Dealing with Estrangement

[Breakwater Bill]

My heart is heavy.  I have been divorced from his BPD Mom for about 5 years now.  My son is 25 and I am so proud of him.  He took on his addiction and recently completed a year long recovery program.  I spent two weeks with him, went on vacation, gave him a job, took him to recovery meetings and spent some great quality time with him.  On my birthday he suddenly grabbed all his stuff at my house and left and quit his job.  He called me, confronted me about my weakness, I admitted it.  He has instructed me not to text him anymore.  He has no phone and has now moved into his mother's rental unit. 

I now don't know what to do.  He is now living with his BPD sister in a rent free apartment, not working, not going to school.  I want to be a part of his life and hopefully mentor him.  He has told me not to text him.  I want to grab a bagful of groceries and show up on his doorstep.  I am torn, I don't want to be pushed and pulled on one hand but want to heal and continue my relationship with my son. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

This won't be easy, but I challenge you to transfer whatever you were going to do for your son , you do for yourself.  For example, you want to show up with groceries.  Instead, buy yourself some nice stuff and grill it.  Or pick up some carry out( can't really enjoy restaurants yet due to the pandemic but you get the idea). Put that focus and energy back to you.

Your son is fighting internal demons you can't see.  Even though it may feel wrong that he just cut and run, he is within his rights as an adult( sadly ).   The best you can do here, in my humble opinion, is give him the space he needs.  He knows you have his back.  I know you want a relationship with your son , sometimes that involves giving space and time.  Meanwhile, put that effort for him into yourself.  Find out your needs, wants, activities you want to do.  Coping with our own frustrations over our BPD kids is huge.  You are not alone.  We want so much more for them and they make a turn somewhere and get lost.   As much as it hurts, respect him as an adult.   Be proud of yourself for helping him as much as you could and that you will be there for him when he comes back to himself.  Look at it this way, he is living on his own ( at least not under your roof) .   At some point he will realize he needs money and will find a way to get it ( via another job hopefully).  There is hope .  Please write back.