BPD wife threatening divorce and custody battle

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Although my wife of 25yrs has never been officially diagnosed, it is my belief that she is a classic high-functioning BPD. In addition to meeting many of the 9 criteria or symptoms, one of our many couple counselors over the years once recommended walking on eggshells which is how I found this site/board.

We have four young children together ages 14-8yrs and I currently serve as a stay at home dad. I’m in this role partly due to the fact that my children are all dyslexic and required after school and summer time tutoring. There are many reasons for us deciding to have one of us at home but primarily because it has just been great for our children. It has also put me in a tough situation when my wife goes on the attack or lashes out.

When she’s really upset with me, usually because I’ve pulled  away due to her behavior (affairs/distortion campaign with our children) she flies into a rage and acts if I’m the worst human imaginable. I say she’s classic BPD, because when she’s in this place she’s totally unreasonable and won’t hesitate to blatantly lie about anything. She’ll also accuse me of needing professional help (In better times she’s admitted the possibility of being BPD). I’ve never been able to get her to agree to the right type of help/counseling, or qualified professional, but we’ve recently gotten close. That is before her last split where I’m now the devil.

Anyway, her new thing when we have an episode is to either try to initiate an affair or sue me for divorce and seek custody of our children. She’s yet to follow through, but I can’t afford to wait and see what happens because what’s at stake with our children. It is my hope to avoid a divorce, at least until my children get a little bit older and I can get back to work and back on my own financial feet. In the mean time I have some close family willing to help if needed.

My hope, right or wrong, is to have my wife return to a better state of mind which can happen for long periods of time, and agree to go to counseling or seek help from a qualified experienced professional. My wife is a business professional and very smart, so someone not trained or seasoned in her area of need (BPD) would only be easily manipulated, at least that has sometimes been the case in past sessions.

I’m here today in search of advice and recommendations for family/divorce attorneys, hopefully in my North Texas (North Dallas) area. I don’t really believe that my wife wants a divorce as much as she wants some sort of concession from me, but I can’t take that risk. I just need the legal counsel of someone with experience in dealing with BPD (high-functioning) individuals. My older children are aware of moms issues and have unfortunately stumbled across evidence of inappropriate behavior by her. I also have evidence of affairs, etc. I have no idea of what to expect going into this, but know that I must be prepared.

[Under attack]

Although my wife of 25yrs has never been officially diagnosed, it is my belief that she is a classic high-functioning BPD. In addition to meeting many of the 9 criteria or symptoms, one of our many couple counselors over the years once recommended walking on eggshells which is how I found this site/board.

We have four young children together ages 14-8yrs and I currently serve as a stay at home dad. I’m in this role partly due to the fact that my children are all dyslexic and required after school and summer time tutoring. There are many reasons for us deciding to have one of us at home but primarily because it has just been great for our children. It has also put me in a tough situation when my wife goes on the attack or lashes out.

When she’s really upset with me, usually because I’ve pulled  away due to her behavior (affairs/distortion campaign with our children) she flies into a rage and acts if I’m the worst human imaginable. I say she’s classic BPD, because when she’s in this place she’s totally unreasonable and won’t hesitate to blatantly lie about anything. She’ll also accuse me of needing professional help (In better times she’s admitted the possibility of being BPD). I’ve never been able to get her to agree to the right type of help/counseling, or qualified professional, but we’ve recently gotten close. That is before her last split where I’m now the devil.

Anyway, her new thing when we have an episode is to either try to initiate an affair or sue me for divorce and seek custody of our children. She’s yet to follow through, but I can’t afford to wait and see what happens because what’s at stake with our children. It is my hope to avoid a divorce, at least until my children get a little bit older and I can get back to work and back on my own financial feet. In the mean time I have some close family willing to help if needed.

My hope, right or wrong, is to have my wife return to a better state of mind which can happen for long periods of time, and agree to go to counseling or seek help from a qualified experienced professional. My wife is a business professional and very smart, so someone not trained or seasoned in her area of need (BPD) would only be easily manipulated, at least that has sometimes been the case in past sessions.

I’m here today in search of advice and recommendations for family/divorce attorneys, hopefully in my North Texas (North Dallas) area. I don’t really believe that my wife wants a divorce as much as she wants some sort of concession from me, but I can’t take that risk. I just need the legal counsel of someone with experience in dealing with BPD (high-functioning) individuals. My older children are aware of moms issues and have unfortunately stumbled across evidence of inappropriate behavior by her. I also have evidence of affairs, etc. I have no idea of what to expect going into this, but know that I must be prepared.

[alleyesonme]

Although my wife of 25yrs has never been officially diagnosed, it is my belief that she is a classic high-functioning BPD. In addition to meeting many of the 9 criteria or symptoms, one of our many couple counselors over the years once recommended walking on eggshells which is how I found this site/board.

We have four young children together ages 14-8yrs and I currently serve as a stay at home dad. I’m in this role partly due to the fact that my children are all dyslexic and required after school and summer time tutoring. There are many reasons for us deciding to have one of us at home but primarily because it has just been great for our children. It has also put me in a tough situation when my wife goes on the attack or lashes out.

When she’s really upset with me, usually because I’ve pulled  away due to her behavior (affairs/distortion campaign with our children) she flies into a rage and acts if I’m the worst human imaginable. I say she’s classic BPD, because when she’s in this place she’s totally unreasonable and won’t hesitate to blatantly lie about anything. She’ll also accuse me of needing professional help (In better times she’s admitted the possibility of being BPD). I’ve never been able to get her to agree to the right type of help/counseling, or qualified professional, but we’ve recently gotten close. That is before her last split where I’m now the devil.

Anyway, her new thing when we have an episode is to either try to initiate an affair or sue me for divorce and seek custody of our children. She’s yet to follow through, but I can’t afford to wait and see what happens because what’s at stake with our children. It is my hope to avoid a divorce, at least until my children get a little bit older and I can get back to work and back on my own financial feet. In the mean time I have some close family willing to help if needed.

My hope, right or wrong, is to have my wife return to a better state of mind which can happen for long periods of time, and agree to go to counseling or seek help from a qualified experienced professional. My wife is a business professional and very smart, so someone not trained or seasoned in her area of need (BPD) would only be easily manipulated, at least that has sometimes been the case in past sessions.

I’m here today in search of advice and recommendations for family/divorce attorneys, hopefully in my North Texas (North Dallas) area. I don’t really believe that my wife wants a divorce as much as she wants some sort of concession from me, but I can’t take that risk. I just need the legal counsel of someone with experience in dealing with BPD (high-functioning) individuals. My older children are aware of moms issues and have unfortunately stumbled across evidence of inappropriate behavior by her. I also have evidence of affairs, etc. I have no idea of what to expect going into this, but know that I must be prepared.

Welcome - you've come to the right place!

A lot of us have gone through similar experiences, so you aren't alone.

I don't live in Texas, so I really wouldn't be able to help locate any attorneys, but I do think it's a good idea for you to meet with several and get your ducks in a row in that area.

In my state, there's a good chance that you'd qualify for spousal support from your wife both while the divorce is in process and after it's finalized since she's been working and you haven't. No idea if that's also true in Texas, but if so, then that may ease some of your financial concerns.

[Under attack]

Thank you for responding. This is the support and information that I was hoping for. Thanks again.

[worriedStepmom]

Hi Under Attack.  I'm sorry that you have are in this situation, but I'm glad you are reaching out to get more information.

I live in Texas too.  Texas is a no-fault divorce, community property state, so proof of her affairs may not be really relevant.

I'm not an attorney, but in my experience, you would definitely qualify for spousal support for a certain length of time.  (I received it for a few months when I divorced, and I was working, just making less than my ex.  My former MIL got spousal support for 3 years, to give her time to find a job.)  There's also child support, if you get primary custody - there are calculators online to show how much it would be.

My H's exW is uBPD.  When he filed for more custody of SD, we found a lawyer by googling "high conflict custody lawyer" and "custody mental illness".  We wanted someone who would know what to expect.

You can talk to a lawyer for a small fee, without having to pay the big retainer.  In a one-hour consult, you should be able to get a lot of information on what to expect in a divorce.

I recommend that you start to gather documentation.  Copies of financial records.  Log who does what with the kids, and how the kids react to mom's behaviors.  Log her bad behaviors against you - is she yelling at you in front of the kids, etc?  We're a one-party recording state, so you can record your conversations with her without telling her.

Good luck!

[GaGrl]

Some lawyers specifically work in what they term "father's rights." You might want to check on these and ask about high conflict divorces.

[zachira]

I am coming at this from a different angle, the daughter of a BPD mom who regularly threatened to divorce my father. My sister with NPD at one time was threatening to divorce her husband. What you are experiencing is terrible, and especially painful particularly because you have children. You are wise to plan ahead. I recommend reading Bill Eddy's book: "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Neither my mother or sister ever did anything about getting divorced, and when they were threatening divorce it was because they were emotionally dysregulating with no real apparent reasons for wanting a divorce from their husbands who treated them with generosity, respect, and kindness most of the time. You are thinking of getting a divorce when your children are older. If you do get a divorce, it would likely help to say that you are following through on your wife's desire for a divorce, and make it look like she is the one who wants it.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, do your research. There is tons of free information out there. I read attorney blogs and Facebook pages. It will give you a good education on the basics and on the focus of different practices. If you get the basics down, you can be far more efficient when the time comes to interview and pick an attorney based on your particular situation and your preferences. This is someone that you are going to lay your life open to and pay a lot to, so it's a critical decision.

I asked a lot of questions about their guiding principles, what kind of clients they represented, how they viewed the attorney my now-ex had chosen, what were their legal strengths and weaknesses, etc. etc. The interviews were very revealing IMHO.

No regrets about the one I picked. He was a steady, older Southern-gentleman type who got it settled out of court. His guiding principles were persistence, politeness, and ethics. The other attorney was the type who slings mud for effect and pushes forward anything his clients want so the other side can be the bad guy.  There were some things that happened that my attorney called "reprehensible" but we got it done.

[Waddams]

You need to talk to an attorney with experience representing fathers in high conflict divorces in your jurisdiction.  That said, as the primary care giver for the kids, you might be better off not working right now. I hate to say that, but if you don't work through a divorce, it might stand you in best shape financially coming out of a divorce, with her ordered to pay you spousal support while you get your feet under you after the divorce and child support. It might also put in best standing to stay in the house with the kids while your uBPDw moves out, and stand you in best stead for getting custody.

If she files, you as primary care giver, not working, AND having evidence of her cheating and pulling other marital misconduct - you're a male client every lawyer would dream of, as long as your nose stays clean. Your uBPDw will realize all of this in her more lucid moments, and if she's determined to divorce, she'll be thinking of some way to frame you up with false allegations of domestic or child abuse, or both. She's already lying and making up false allegations in her fights with you. It's a small escalation and next level progression for her to take it to false allegations to the police.

Your biggest vulnerability is that you're an honest man trying to do what's right by others, and her as a lying, selfish BPD can very easily manipulate that and exploit it into her advantage in a divorce case. You need a lawyer to advise you, and you need to go DISCRETELY talk to someone that can advise you how to protect yourself against false allegations. A friend in law enforcement, a counselor, etc. Get yourself a recorder and keep it on you. Next time she deregulates, turn it on. Don't tell her about it, don't tell the kids, just keep it secret. And figure out a way to back up and save the recordings offsite.

Also start thinking about documentation - save her texts, back them up somewhere where she can't delete them. Same for emails. And start making your own secret backup stash of financial data - bank records, statements, accounts, balances, debts, etc.

If she ever escalates to physical violence, DO NOT retaliate. If it's just going to leave scratches and bruises, let her. Don't fight her. Scratches and bruises heal much quicker than a DV arrest record. You'll want to make sure YOU are marked, and she IS NOT. That way it's obvious who the primary aggressor is. And never call the cops from an active DV scene as a man. Wait for it to end, or for when you can get out easily enough. Let things have time to settle. Then go to the local police station, see a desk officer, and make a report. Let them investigate it like that, don't let a cop responding to a scene deal with it because then there are mandatory arrest laws, and the cops always seem to pick the guy to go for the ride to the clink.

And more thing - go talk to a lawyer! (repeated because it's going to give you the best feedback as opposed to faceless strangers on the internet).