BPD Parent of Grandson Trying to Alienate Him From Our Family?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone!  

I have written a lot on this board before, but not so much lately.  I hope I am posting on the correct board for this situation.  

My son was involved with an uBPD woman for 5-1/2 years and it has now been about 1 year and 3 months since they have been apart.  She broke up with him after admitting not loving him anymore, cheating and a whole host of things/reasons.  

The good that came from the relationship was our beautiful grandson who is now 4.  We seem him twice a week as well as our son and have a close relationship with him.  We hope it will stay this way as recently (just last week).  We have an RV that he loves to go out in and just play in there and I always go with him.  I asked him how much he liked the RV and he replied, "I love it!  Mommy hates it."  I then said, "so what else does mommy say?"  He then said, "She said she hates you, Paw Paw and Uncle K."  

My heart sank.  Now granted, he is only 4 and has been a story teller before, but this just rang true to me because it was so true and how would he know that?  

I am fearful that she is trying to alienate him from us.  I didn't really respond to it and changed the subject.  

Any suggestions, questions, advice, etc?  I feel sorry for both he and his sister (who is not our grandchild, but we loved her just as much), who is 6.  They must be so confused.  It seems inappropriate to me to share such feelings with your children, especially when they are this young.  I'm just feeling threatened, I guess, by what else could she  be saying to him, maybe on a regular basis?  

Appreciate any and all replies.

Angie59

[Angie59]

Hello everyone!  

I have written a lot on this board before, but not so much lately.  I hope I am posting on the correct board for this situation.  

My son was involved with an uBPD woman for 5-1/2 years and it has now been about 1 year and 3 months since they have been apart.  She broke up with him after admitting not loving him anymore, cheating and a whole host of things/reasons.  

The good that came from the relationship was our beautiful grandson who is now 4.  We seem him twice a week as well as our son and have a close relationship with him.  We hope it will stay this way as recently (just last week).  We have an RV that he loves to go out in and just play in there and I always go with him.  I asked him how much he liked the RV and he replied, "I love it!  Mommy hates it."  I then said, "so what else does mommy say?"  He then said, "She said she hates you, Paw Paw and Uncle K."  

My heart sank.  Now granted, he is only 4 and has been a story teller before, but this just rang true to me because it was so true and how would he know that?  

I am fearful that she is trying to alienate him from us.  I didn't really respond to it and changed the subject.  

Any suggestions, questions, advice, etc?  I feel sorry for both he and his sister (who is not our grandchild, but we loved her just as much), who is 6.  They must be so confused.  It seems inappropriate to me to share such feelings with your children, especially when they are this young.  I'm just feeling threatened, I guess, by what else could she  be saying to him, maybe on a regular basis?  

Appreciate any and all replies.

Angie59

[livednlearned]

Ouch, that is painful.

There is an expert on parental alienation who refers to it simply as pathogenic parenting (Dr. Craig Childress). He seems to treat alienation as the manifestation of BPD traits in parenting. The issue is the severity.

What is your relationship with his mom like? Do you communicate directly with her?

[worriedStepmom]

Those kinds of situations are good opportunities to refocus on your grandson and his feelings.

"How does it make you feel when Mommy says that?" and then validate whatever his answer may be.

It's also a good chance to show that people can feel differently about things, and it's okay.  This is a lesson that kids with BPD parents don't always get.  "It's okay that Mommy doesn't like the RV.  I like it a lot.  What do you like best about it?"

My stepdaughter and I had many conversations like that at about the same age.  "Mommy says..."   I tried to never directly say "Mommy is wrong", but occasionally I'd say "hmmm, it sounds like Mommy is confused about that".  I didn't give *my* opinion very often either - I focused on SD and what she was thinking and feeling.

[Angie59]

Hello Lived n Learned!  To answer your question we have literally no contact with her at all and actually very little when they were in the last year or so of their relationship.  They have been apart now for 1 year and 3 months.  So pretty long time with no communication.  I may look up Dr. Craig Childress and get some info on this type of situation which may be of help.  Thank you for letting me know about him!

Hello Worried Stepmom!  Thank you for your reply.  Looks like I missed a good opportunity to pose those questions to my grandson.  He is only 4 years old, but he's a smart little guy and I think I could have gotten across to him the very things you suggested as responses. 

It angers me that I am still allowing myself to have my buttons pushed by her when she has made the choice to be out of our lives, is engaged and to be married in 3 months.  Why can't she just be happy with her new life and do the right thing?  I guess it's just too much to ask.