I think my child's mum is a borderline.

[BabyMumIsNuts]

I think my sons mum is a borderline, what do I do?

This girl was the most abusive, cold, distant & uninterested POS I've ever had the pleasure of being in a relationship with. Things were great for the first 8 weeks or so, but then she changed over night. I think she's borderline, although I'm not 100% sure but I have many reasons to believe she is?

Anyway, we have a child together now and I've not been in his life much at all. She acts all crazy and pushes me out of his life, and stops me seeing him if I don't jump when she asks  and then calls me the bad guy for not being there? She won't put me on the birth certificate or anything like that and I can't see him without her there, although she acts like she hates me she won't let me spend time with him without her there? I don't understand it and it's getting to me, I've recently been stopped seeing him again. The poor lad is nearly 1 and I don't even know him, he's been christened (behind my back) and not one of my family members have met him. It's as if she wants him all to herself, but acts like the good guy by trying to get me to 'visit' him after stopping me 'visiting' or acting that crazy I have no choice but to cut contact with her?

I can't live like this for the next decade or two.

How do you handle a BPD control freak of an ex when you have a child together? I wish I could just block her and never speak to her again, unfortunately it's not an option. If it wasn't for my son, I could easily block and forget, but she has a way of keep sucking me into her toxic life out of absolutely nothing at all.

I think I was used for said baby also, either that or she really did like me andthe BPD splitting came on fast, and instant hate was felt? This girl was absolute perfection right up until the pregnancy, which was suspiciously quick. Was pure hell from there on out, the only reason I put up with it is because I thought it was pregnancy hormones. How wrong was I, the toxicity that sprouts from it even still nearly a year after we split and the birth is something else and much worse than the relationship.

I feel trapped in a life of misery with this soulless POS and I don't know what to do. I've even contemplated jumping ship to another country.

Any advice on how I'm going to have a peaceful life while (hopefully) sharing a child with this evil bastard?

Apologies for any BPD's that may take offence to any of the wording used here, and thanks in advance for any answers.

[worriedStepmom]

Have you checked to see what your legal rights are in your country?  It might be worth consulting a lawyer or solicitor to find out a) how you can get a paternity test to be added to your son's birth certificate, and b) how you can file to get a legal custody agreement.

If you have a legal agreement that says when you can see your son, you should be able to enforce that.  Otherwise, you're basically at her whims, especially if you aren't on the birth certificate.  As you've figured out, her whims don't make a lot of sense.

Good luck!

[BabyMumIsNuts]

There isn't going to be an easy solution to this is there. I don't understand why anybody would want to be, or even enjoy being such an hard work control freak. But that's the beauty of this, none of it makes sense!

I would be the poor guy to knock this psycho up wouldn't I!

[worriedStepmom]

Nope, it isn't going to be easy or simple.  It's hard to find the logic in mental illness.

It can definitely be harder with an infant, too.  A lot of moms, especially those who are nursing, don't want to leave their babies.  That could be one reason she insists on being present.

My H was married for 7 years to a woman with many BPD traits.  They've been divorced 11 years, and it's still complicated, although he now has primary custody of SD13.

What would the ideal resolution look like for you?  Official acknowledgment of your paternity and 50/50 custody?  Unofficial acknowledgment and a 2-hr visit a week with your son?  Something else? 

It will probably be helpful to figure out what you want, then we can help you brainstorm how to get there.

[BabyMumIsNuts]

I'd honestly be happy to have him Friday and Saturday night, drop him off Sunday afternoon/evening and zero contact with his mother. We can wish all we want though. She makes it that hard work I feel like just walking away and not bothering

[worriedStepmom]

This sounds fairly reasonable - even the limited contact.  (My H and his ex do drop-offs in public, and all communication is on a parenting app.)

Getting there, though, may take a little while and be complicated.  Your best bet is probably to get some legal advice.  Once you know what your options are - and how much they will cost - you'll be able to make some better decisions.

[BabyMumIsNuts]

Yeah I guess. Do borderlines genuinely believe the lies they say about you? As in my kids mum says I'm useless as I don't spend much time with my son, although it's her stopping me seeing him? So confusing! I hope she knows deep down she's the bitch and I ain't this bad guy she makes me out to be?

[worriedStepmom]

For people with BPD, feelings = facts.  She feels as if you are a bad father, therefore you must be, regardless of what is actually happening.

SD13's uBPDmom spent years telling SD that H and I were plotting to steal her, brainwash her to not love mom anymore, and have me adopt her.  mom was afraid that SD would love me and that, in comparison, mom would look bad and SD wouldn't want to be with her anymore. mom's feeling was fear of losing SD, so the disorder translated that into "worriedStepmom and H MUST be actually doing something that would make mom be afraid".  When she was 11, SD finally said "Mom, if they really wanted to take me away from you, wouldn't they have already tried to do it?  It's been 9 years."

The kid understood that it didn't make sense.  Mom doubled down.

While you figure out if you want to get a legal consultation, do you want to tell us about some of the difficulties you are having with your ex?  There's a lot of people here who are really good at finding ways to defuse situations.

[BabyMumIsNuts]

Sounds about right. It's madness! Other than using my son as a weapon, saying things that aren't true trying to hurt me, sucking me back into her dramatic lifestyle by causing drama for me and then stopping me seeing him, there's not many issues. It's bad because if it wasn't for my son I'd happily have forgotten about this girl a long time ago. But she has a dramatic way of trying to stay relevant in my life and being that pain in the arse that won't go away. I'm hoping to one day have him and go via 3rd party as I can't deal with her. She's absolutely crackers and is toxic as hell. Sometimes ask myself if it's worth walking away now before my lad is old enough to remember me. I can't do it to him though

[BabyMumIsNuts]

Despite all the drama and all the crap she's put me through, I've tried to remain friends and get along with her, but she acts like I'm the absolute devil. My reckoning is she only hates me so much as she never got her own way and I wasn't controllable. Other than putting my foot down and saying no, I was pretty good to her... Now she's playing god with my son. I see what people say when they say they're emotionally stuck at a kids age, it comes out when we argue, it's almost like arguing with an angry hormonal 13 year old ha

[ForeverDad]

As much as you may have avoided it in the past — probably thinking it best to appease and avoid triggering your ex — but having a court step in and set up rules and schedules for parenting has advantages.  Right now your ex is in control of parenting and you get some pieces here and there as her moods permit.  Have you pondered that consulting with an experienced family law attorney would help you secure legal parental rights and domestic court could set rules and boundaries so you could parent and not need to have a relationship with your ex?

[BabyMumIsNuts]

She's told me all the lies she's going to tell the courts, domestic violence, drug use, threats to kidnap him etc. All lies but all very serious. I sort of feel like there's not much I can do.

[worriedStepmom]

Does she tell you those in person, via text, email or phone?  Getting documentation of those threats could be really helpful.

If you consult legal advice, make sure that they know this is her plan.

And also know that even if you bend over backward to appease her, at some point she may very well go through with these threats anyway.  She may decide that S loses you more, or that you looked at her wrong, or something equally crazy, and then you'll be dealing with the hell anyway. 

[BabyMumIsNuts]

Unfortunately in person, although I have texts that show her obviously trying to make out that these things are true, presumably as 'evidence' if she ever went through with it..

[defogging]

Forever Dad nailed it, yet again (why do I keep having to type that!  LOL).     Courts will insert reality back into your life.  Borderlines live in an alternate reality where they get to set the rules and control others.  I found out quickly during my divorce that my exPDw's rules were not even close to what the courts would rule.  I now have better access to my kids than I did even while we were married. (My situation is a 10 year marriage with 3 young kids)  I now have 50/50 and better relationships with my kids than ever before.

I see that you're living with a lot of fear about what your kid's mom might do or say, and man I've been there.  Put it in front of the courts and let her claim whatever she wants.  I can tell you that in my case, my ex tried every accusation under the sun and eventually her lawyer pulled her back and settled quickly.  My lawyer quickly went on offense, and it was the best move he could have made.  exPDw freaked out and dug herself a hole. exPDw started acting crazy, and her lawyer wanted nothing to do with going in front of a judge so she pushed her to a settlement.  Get yourself a good lawyer that is proactive and seeks a common sense solution, no needless battles.  You will find that you definitely have rights as a father and they are much more than your kid's mom is willing to give right now.

I strongly suggest keeping your communication in writing only.  Not only is everything documented, it also gives you the space to think about a response without being drawn down the rabbit hole of another circular conversation.  After I filed, I allowed one phone call from my wife.  She quickly turned manipulative and scolded me about how expensive this divorce would be, and how it was my fault.  I stopped her about three minutes into the conversation and told her I would only allow written communication from now on.  Best move I ever made, the peace I have now is immeasurable.  She emails me about something, I can think about it for a day or so, and then respond. 

[ForeverDad]

Courts will insert reality back into your life.

I see that you're living with a lot of fear about what your kid's mom might do or say, and man I've been there.

Defogging's post reminded of a truism that has been stated many times before and merits a repeat here:

If allegations have been contemplated or threatened, then they will happen, given enough time.

Ponder that.  Appeasing and dancing on tiptoe around the disorder has limited success, with less and less success as time passes.  It enables a "lose-lose" perception.  What works is to be informed, proactive, and set meaningful boundaries.

Follow this link to our tools and skills workshop topics.  You find many topics discussed there including boundaries.  My description of practical boundaries is that they're not meant for the ex, people with acting-out PDs don't respect boundaries, they treat them like waving red flags in a bull ring.  Think of it another way, boundaries are for you.  How so?  You set the terms how you will respond to whichever misbehaviors.  For example, "If you do or don't do ___ then I will or will not do ___."  You can't force your ex to do anything but you can state what you will do.  Does that make sense?

[BabyMumIsNuts]

I think the whole leaving it a day or two to think of a reply instead of replying while it's hot is another thing I will have to take into consideration as she roped me into her drama again last time. I guess a court order is the only way this girl is going to behave. I'd rather not, but she's just proving that she will never grow up and allow proper access.

[ForeverDad]

And the longer you delay seeking solutions in court, the easier it will be for her to pose as the concerned mother who is dealing with a sometimes dad.  Have you been documenting the times you've tried to have parenting time but have been denied?  Also, document your attempts to parent elsewhere, such as going to a local park or safely visiting family.

Court procedure is that unless a parent is documented to be an abuse risk to the child, such as child abuse, neglect or endangerment, then the other parent can't unilaterally deny substantive parenting time wherever reasonable.  Yes, she could claim you're a danger to the child but then it could briefly limit you to supervised visits while it contacts children's social services or children's protective services and ask for it to report back with an assessment of you, typically that's only a few weeks.

The point is that whether the other parent likes you or hates you, you get substantive parenting time.  If you're passive or in a severely mother-oriented state then you may get the minimum such as alternate weekends and a couple visits in between.  But at least this is your time with the child apart from the other parent.

Your child is very young.  It may be a challenge to get equal time, but not impossible.  Or even if you're limited to less time now then you could have the order build in increased time as you child gets a little older.

Is mother nursing her 'baby'?  That's no excuse to limit your visits.  Mothers everywhere who have parenting schedules can and do express their milk into bottles in advance, freeze them and pass them along at the exchanges, just like they would do with child carriers, clothing, diapers, etc.  (For example, if she works then she's away from her baby for several hours at a time, right?  How are you different from her work or other activities?)

You new motto:  Whatever obstacles my ex creates, I can and will overcome them.  I may have to seek legal guidance or peer support or utilize time-proven strategies, but my future will get better and better.

Disclaimer:  This doesn't mean she will cave and comply, her sense of entitlement and control is just too high especially at the start.  Expect resistance at every step.  Expect her to re-interpret each order into her preferred version.  Expect her to utilize every loophole to her advantage.  In general, we call them extinction bursts.

[PearlsBefore]

If allegations have been contemplated or threatened, then they will happen, given enough time.

It's a truism that I quote again, just to reinforce - it's not one person's opinion, it's the shared experience of caretakers (spouses, but also parents, siblings, etc). A stitch in time saves nine, so expend the money and effort NOW to buy whatever recording devices are legal in your region, make copies of all your interactions and be prepared to prove that you didn't hold an AK-47 to her head last Wednesday at the Starbucks restaurant.

While I considered it very relevant that my pwBPD was diagnosed, by the TOP doctor on BPD in North America nonetheless (field trip to Johns Hopkins hospital), the courts ultimately didn't care about the diagnosis because they're walking a minefield of trying not to criminalize mental illness so instead they just wanted to hear HER confirm not that she was BPD, but that she had symptoms 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 8 and 9 of BPD and that those scary details affected her daily life.

Don't worry about getting her diagnosed or admitting she has BPD, just get a text message from her wherein you write "Sorry I'm just having a rough day today, still remembering the time you threw a brick at my head" and get her to respond "you can still come TODAY, I already told you I'm not even mad about that thing anymore!" (which is her admitting it happened). Then if you're really lucky, when the court asks if she's violent she'll say no, then be confronted with the text and it doesn't much matter what she says...now the court knows she's violent AND perjuring herself freely.

[ForeverDad]

To expand on that last thought... You have to be very careful not to implicate yourself when making apologies.  (I'm assuming she's made you apologize before about anything and everything, right?)  Henceforth be sure you phase your comments in a way that doesn't constitute an outright admission of being the "Mr Evil Personified" she feels you are right then.  There's the insight... how she feels.  Here's an example of how your words could mollify her yet keep you, um, less unsafe.
"I'm sorry you feel..."

Notice that you're apologizing for how she feels, not for whatever supposed actions you did or didn't do.