recalled onions and burnt rice: deep thinking but no common sense

[JaneWrites]

I'm wondering if this quirk is yet another BPD symptom. My husband is a master of super deep stuff: social policy, underlying inequality, history, etc etc, but seems to have no common sense or recollections of conversations we've had.

Let me also preface this by saying that his cooking is NEW. He either can't cover the fact that he is doing nothing else during this pandemic AND/OR he is cooking to prove that no matter what he does, it's still not enough for me.

Me: "I think these onions were recalled."
uBPDh: "Well, if we cook them, they should be fine, right?"
Me: "Yeah, I think the recall is due to salmonella, so cooking them should be fine."
Next evening, uBPDh serves raw onion with tacos.

He has been buying and making frozen meals requiring a side of rice and has burnt the saucepan every time.
Me: "The pot is burnt because you keep putting the rice on high - just put it on medium-high before turning it down to low."
uBPDh: Burns pan next time. Next time after that. Evermore.

I have probably 300 examples.

Are pwBPD incapable of remembering domestic conversations or is this just mine?

[Football2000]

I have read a lot of research on BPD. I don't ever recall this being a symptom, and I think a lot of people with BPD are quite high functioning in that regard.

I do think that some people are quite absent-minded when they do things, and that has nothing to do with BPD. However, BPD might make it harder to reason with the person to improve.

[GaGrl]

ADHD?

[JaneWrites]

Ok, well, that's super interesting. I know he's talked about not being able to focus in school growing up. But since he is super-focused intermittently on projects - either professionally or around the house - maybe even to an obsessive degree, I didn't consider ADHD. He obsesses about certain areas of the news and other things and then baits me into a conversation that I know nothing about and then dysregulates when I don't participate satisfactorily. Anyway, I thought this super-attention was at odds with ADHD, but now that I'm looking up the symptoms, he does seem to have ALL OF THEM.

And I just found this: "But a lesser known, and more controversial, symptom that some people with ADHD demonstrate is known as hyperfocus." Huh. GaGrl, I think you got it.

[GaGrl]

My son and his dad (my ex) are ADHD. I can spot it a mile away.

[Baglady]

Hi Jane 

After my decades-long marriage imploded due to my exBPDh's mental break, I was introduced to BPD for the first time.  Like many a non, I totally dived into the topic in order to make sense of my failed relationship.  All of the issues in my marriage finally made sense with this diagnosis.  (If you heard a loud, connecting noise sometime in January, 2018 - that was the deafening sound of me fitting the last piece of my staggeringly, challenging jigsaw puzzle of a marriage together ).

All this to say that although I have many positive memories of my marriage (the 80% of the time being married to Dr. Jekyll was absolutely fantastic  ) - my ex exhibited many of the same puzzling behaviors that you describe - he was very immature (I kept waiting for him to grow up) and while extremely intelligent - he was almost devoid of the common-sense that you would expect in a man of his age.  He had a diagnosis of ADHD and so I rationalized that this diagnosis accounted for all of his puzzling, odd behaviors.

Looking back now though, I really think it's an aspect of BPD.  There was just SO MUCH inner turmoil and anger and suppressed rage and impulsivity coursing through him constantly that he was on a different planet most of the time.  I now understand that attending and sticking with the most basic of tasks while juggling and suppressing all of these thoughts and feelings were simply beyond his capabilities.  Too bad he's painted me black because I think I'm likely one of the few - if the only person on the planet that throughly gets him at this point 

Your husband could have ADHD or it could be the BPD - obviously I have no idea but just throwing out my experience for what it's worth.

Warmly, 
B

[JaneWrites]

Baglady! Thank you for sharing your experience. I think it's BOTH and as the veil is lifting, I am seeing how they fit together. I'm reading how they are often both present. As I've been noodling on this combo for about 12 hours now, I can see how one would complicate the other into a really turbulent stew of frustration and anger. Yes, you might have heard my loud, connecting noise in May this year  And a big "Ohhhhhhh" last night.

[Cat Familiar]

Two BPD spouses. First one very extreme on spectrum with additional NPD and ASPD traits. Current one mild on BPD with a dash of NPD.

Both highly intelligent, but often completely lacking common sense. First one more devoid than current one.

I think there’s such an undercurrent of “stuff” going on in their heads that a warning that others would take to heart about the onions possibly being contaminated with salmonella, might be processed as “Blah, blah, blah, my wife said something about onions.”

I had a funny experience last night that my husband and I both laughed about. We were listening to our local radio station when a commentary came on from an ill informed man who thinks he’s an expert in fields outside his specialty. He was spewing lies and misinformation that could lead to people’s health being compromised.

So I wrote a quick note to the radio station suggesting that his comments be vetted before he’s allowed to broadcast and read it aloud to my husband as he was preparing dinner.

He thought the comment was excellent, so I hit “send.”

Then he realized that I was the author and it wasn’t something that I’d read online.

That led to a bit of hilarity since he has a high profile at that radio station for his contributions and that he was a former board member.

“I guess I’ll have to start listening to you,” was his conclusion.

[RestlessWanderer]

Hi JaneWrites,
I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult (I leave out the “H” because I’m not hyperactive). I recognized that I could be scatterbrained about many things, but could then be hyper focused on other tasks. Unfortunately this has been highly triggering for my uBPDw.
Now that I take medication to treat it, she takes some of my pills to help her counteract her sleepiness due to her insomnia. She even went so far to say that the only reason I got the prescription was for her.
But I digress, ADD/ADHD definitely presents with moments of total distraction and other times with hyper focus.

RW

[once removed]

i suspect if you posted this on a basic marriage/relationship board, you would get a billion "me too"s.

not listening, not remembering, either spouse not doing things the other spouse wants them to, the way they want them to, around the house or otherwise...just the kind of stuff that drives spouses crazy about each other

[JaneWrites]

Thanks, Restless Wanderer for sharing your experience!

And Once Removed, I think that's right, but the tense BPD atmosphere means I can't even acknowledge any of these moments. There's no joking about it or even getting irritated about it and then letting it pass. There can be no reaction. It's exhausting. I wish I could squabble my absent-minded spouse! What a luxury that would be.

[Marianne-11]

Hi JaneWrites! I can relate, happened countless times with my ex (diagnosed BPD). Difference to what I would consider more normal is that any even very gentle and kind reaction (not intended in any way to annoy or hurt) was interpreted as ”aha! So nothing I ever do is good enough for you, I can never do anything well enough, I am never good enough for you, go get some regular guy to do this stuff for you” combined with either very open anger or passive aggressive silent treatment. The onion incident could’ve been straight from our life!

[Baglady]

Hi Marianne and Jane 

Was I married to the same guy as you two?  I feel like I could be a sister wife      .  The similarities are uncanny.  Apparently onions are a big deal breaker in a marriage, who knew    ?

The textbook behaviors are fascinating, bizarre and funny all at the same time.

Hang in there,

Warmly,
B

[JaneWrites]

I know, Baglady! While it is soo eye-opening and comforting to read all of these behaviors as symptomatic, I'm kind of disappointed how unoriginal my uBPDh is!

"Go get some regular guy to do this stuff for you" - OMG if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that one!

One time he told me he was still young and could find someone else who would love him, and I was not "enlightened" then, so I said, "Why the heck would you do this to someone else?"

[Cat Familiar]

So nothing I ever do is good enough for you, I can never do anything well enough, I am never good enough for you

If I had a dollar for every time I heard this from my current husband...

But that said, now that I respond differently prior to things getting to that point, I don't hear that anymore.

It is much easier dealing with someone who only has traits, rather than a full-blown personality disorder, but some years ago when he still had full-blown dysregulations, I didn't know the extent of his disorder. The way I responded to him triggered him to act even more outrageously.

The more emotional he got, the more logical I became. And in doing so, the more I invalidated his experience. I had no idea that how I spoke to him felt hurtful. I thought I was just being honest. And the more he reacted poorly to what I thought were my kind and sincere communications, the more resentful I became. It wasn't until I realized how invalidating I was that I was able to turn things around.

Also I really enjoy a good verbal sparring, as long as it remains on an intellectual level and doesn't descend into an argument. I discovered that though he's a lawyer, he has little tolerance for that if it even slightly veers toward the personal. And once it got personal, then away we went, and it was not pretty. This is a good short lesson on ending conflict.

[GaGrl]

Hi JaneWrites,
I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult (I leave out the “H” because I’m not hyperactive). I recognized that I could be scatterbrained about many things, but could then be hyper focused on other tasks. Unfortunately this has been highly triggering for my uBPDw.
Now that I take medication to treat it, she takes some of my pills to help her counteract her sleepiness due to her insomnia. She even went so far to say that the only reason I got the prescription was for her.
But I digress, ADD/ADHD definitely presents with moments of total distraction and other times with hyper focus.

RW

Absolutely! My son does not have hyperactivity either. He also moved between lack of concentration/focus to hyper-focus.

I believe that experts have now identified five distinct forms of ADHD.

[Marianne-11]

Hi Baglady and Jane,

Omg we could be sister wives indeed  As dark as these topics often are, a little humour always helps  Oh boy 

Cat you have some excellent advice I wish I had realised earlier, might have made life a bit easier. And you also describe such a familiar pattern.

Take care everyone 

[JaneWrites]

It is nice to find my sister wives on here!

I've really thought about this lately about how uBPDh has revealed some of the rulebook on dealing with him over the years and I dismissed just about everything because it's so infuriating, selfish and illogical. Now I get it, but I don't think you can get it without figuring out its BPD because it's a humiliating way of dealing with a basically abusive person.

Here's a few insights he's given:

"Do you want to be right or do you want a marriage?"
"I just want you to hear what I'm saying. I'm angry and want to say mean things."
"That marriage therapist was great for YOU."
"The more you disapprove of my behavior, the more I will do it."

[RestlessWanderer]

"I just want you to hear what I'm saying. I'm angry and want to say mean things."

My uBPDw says something very similar. Usually it’s part of how she’s explaining how worthless I am and how I have nothing to complain about except for how she “gets mad some times and says mean things.”
I was foolish enough to call her a mean name on probably 3 or for separate occasions, which I still hear about.
Oh the lovely BPD double standard.

[Marianne-11]

I hear you Jane, it can be very abusive! I am sorry you are experiencing this. Again very similar pattern as was in my marriage  And RestlessWanderer mentions the double standars that I also recognize. Sometimes something I had said and my ex considered insulting was cherished by him for years and years, and used as something that justified horrible behavior. For me, I simply was not allowed to talk about any past incidents   

Looking back, one of my key learnings has been that I forgot self care over the years, and I really hope you would be able to take some time to do something that makes you feel good, only for yourself. That can be so important when you are dealing with constant turbulent, abusive behavior and very demanding situations. And it’s something one easily forgets/gives up when there is so much to do in the daily life, especially when you have kids.

I don’t know if you are seeing a therapist but that might also be a good thing to help you deal with the situations and behavior and give you a safe place to process it all. In my experience, if you decide to do this, it is best to find someone who understands personality disorders.