My daughter is accusing me of having a personality disorder

[Whimsy]

My 34 year old daughter has had severe anxiety and depression as well as explosive hair trigger anger responses Since her early adolescence years. It wasn’t until recently a friend suggested I look into BPD which I did and came to realize she does tick all of the boxes. She has not been diagnosed that I know of but she says she has recently begun seeing a therapist. She has always engaged in high risk impulsive behaviors and most recently quitting her job as a nurse (Ironically as a psych nurse ), cancelled her  wedding plans, bought a house With her fiancée which she cannot afford now and decided to get pregnant which she now is.
The only communication we have had for the past 5 years is largely text messaging, she refuses to talk on the phone and cancels any family in person meetings at the last minute.  We are currently completely estranged because of a perceived slight where she didn’t think I responded correctly to a social media post she  had made. When I apologized for not responding the way she would have liked me to she went on a verbally abusive rant during which she accused me of having a personality disorder and that she will not let me ever see her child unsupervised unless I seek treatment for it. Honestly, I have no idea what she’s talking about and was shocked that she said that.  She’s also accused me of doing things to her in the past that I know absolutely never happened. I’m at a complete loss and fear that I will never get to see this new grandchild.  I have mentioned all of this to my son to see what he makes of these accusations and he is baffled by them as well, assuring that I was a wonderful mom to both of them. He doesn’t have much of a relationship with her either but is not particularly bothered by it as I am. I am divorced from their father as of 5 years ago and she did not handle that well either. I see a lot of her issues in my ex and wonder  about a Possible genetic component Which I read can be a factor. I am so hurt and confused and was so pleased to discover this site for support. Can anyone shed any light on dealing with this situation please?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!  Writing to us here is a great first step.  Please have a look around this forum , drop down lists up across the top and settle in.   You can also click onto anyone's name here and get their past posts.
Please know you are not alone.
It does indeed sound like your daughter has BPD traits.  It is particularly painful when grands are involved.  I am sure others will chime in.  I do agree there is a genetic component as my BPD adult son had a lot of his father's ways ( his Dad, my ex, abandoned us and I had no choice but to divorce). 

Right now, if at all possible, try not to take stuff the BPD says personally. ( easier said than done, I know).  You are not crazy,  her brain is interpreting things in a much different fashion / their truth is based in unreality.   Do not let yourself be defined by her reality. 
- Some good news- she is seeing a therapist and that is hopeful.  In the meantime it is important for you to have your own help/ network and this forum could be one of those.  Please write more as you are able.

[JaneWrites]

Hi Whimsy!

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with these issues.

I don't really belong on this board as I deal with my uBPDh, but I will say that I am accused all the time of needing a therapist (well, I do, actually, but from dealing with him!), of lacking empathy, of this, of that. It's not that odd when you learn more about BPD. It sounds like your daughter knows her diagnosis if she has the vocabulary to accuse you of being BPD - unless it came from you. And pwBPD don't like to hear that they may have a mental health disorder. So, the more you know, the more it's not baffling at all.

When you say, "Honestly, I have no idea what she's talking about," probably all of us have been there. In my case, there are strong feelings, but very little truth, in what my uBPDh is talking about when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Recently, he accused me of something, I said I didn't do it, he accused ME of gaslighting HIM, and I walked away because continuing to argue doesn't work. And once you figure that out, you at least save some energy. They're never going to see your logical explanation.

These boards are really eye-opening. Suddenly what you've been dealing with alone and in secret for so long is explained.

[Whimsy]

Thank you Janewrites for your thoughtful response.  As this is all new to me I’m not even sure if I’m responding to your post  correctly. It does help to know I’m not alone