Here we go again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We'd prefer not to go to supervised, if mom can get it together quickly.  We are content to have things stay as they are (no overnights for mom).  Family therapist said we should follow SD's lead - if SD is comfortable, then stay with this schedule, and if the pressure gets to her, go to supervised.  Mom wanted more time, but FT won't recommend that.

Why not supervised?  If it relieves SD from a lot of the stress, it's worth it.  Or maybe plan visits differently: My kids have told the GAL that they want their mom to plan activities during visits.  Hiking, biking, ..  so that they just don't sit and chat awkwardly like during a phone call.  So far so good and I'm hoping it lasts.

mart555, I hear you on the fear of when that crisis is going to hit.  With all that we go through, it's really not a question of "if" but rather "when," isn't it?  Which of course contributes to the trauma we experience from feeling like we have to be constantly vigilant.  I still find that I am never able to relax and enjoy good moments, or accept that things are trending well...

Yup. We always have to pick up the broken pieces.  The day before (due to the kids stress), the day of the visit/call, and the day after (when there is a fallout).  It sucks. I don't think that I'd be able to cope with it if my kids were young so hats of to those who can (mine are now 12 & 16). 

[mart555]

We'd prefer not to go to supervised, if mom can get it together quickly.  We are content to have things stay as they are (no overnights for mom).  Family therapist said we should follow SD's lead - if SD is comfortable, then stay with this schedule, and if the pressure gets to her, go to supervised.  Mom wanted more time, but FT won't recommend that.

Why not supervised?  If it relieves SD from a lot of the stress, it's worth it.  Or maybe plan visits differently: My kids have told the GAL that they want their mom to plan activities during visits.  Hiking, biking, ..  so that they just don't sit and chat awkwardly like during a phone call.  So far so good and I'm hoping it lasts.

mart555, I hear you on the fear of when that crisis is going to hit.  With all that we go through, it's really not a question of "if" but rather "when," isn't it?  Which of course contributes to the trauma we experience from feeling like we have to be constantly vigilant.  I still find that I am never able to relax and enjoy good moments, or accept that things are trending well...

Yup. We always have to pick up the broken pieces.  The day before (due to the kids stress), the day of the visit/call, and the day after (when there is a fallout).  It sucks. I don't think that I'd be able to cope with it if my kids were young so hats of to those who can (mine are now 12 & 16). 

[worriedStepmom]

SD has been very reluctant to go to supervised.  I think to her it's a sign that things are never going to get better.  The current schedule has been working.  SD can handle mom's generalized anxiety for 7.5 hours in the daytime, and she now has her own room at mom's house so she can disappear by herself if it gets overwhelming (before they shared a room).   If mom starts traumatizing SD again, then we'll have to go to supervised, but we're trying right now to head that off.

Do your kids still have to deal with a lot of their mom's fallout after?  They don't have her blocked?

[mart555]

Do your kids still have to deal with a lot of their mom's fallout after?  They don't have her blocked?

They ignore her emails most of the time..  and it had calmed down in the last few months, the "episodes" weren't as frequent.  They still weren't big fans of the calls however, it was always "ah crap, we're monday".

[worriedStepmom]

uBPDmom has officially cancelled her custody modification suit.

She's been begging for family therapy for two years.  She filed a court suit, where we spent $3,500 on a retainer + $350 on our share of family therapy...and we don't even get to put her on the stand and have our lawyer eviscerate her.  Sigh.

uBPDmom has now made an appointment to meet alone with SD13's individual T tomorrow.  I haven't figured out what her new plan is - maybe convince SD13's T that mom is the best mom ever?  Except mom has also been posting on the parenting app all day that she isn't going to see SD anymore because FT is mean.

I really do feel sorry for uBPDmom.  She's spiraling down so fast.  I'm not sure whether to hope she ends up back in inpatient psychiatric care to get her help or hope she can pull herself out of it.

But mostly I feel sorry for SD.  We've been doing our best to protect SD's relationship with her mom, and her mom has caused so much damage.  Again.

[PeteWitsend]

uBPDmom has officially cancelled her custody modification suit.

She's been begging for family therapy for two years.  She filed a court suit, where we spent $3,500 on a retainer + $350 on our share of family therapy...and we don't even get to put her on the stand and have our lawyer eviscerate her.  Sigh.

uBPDmom has now made an appointment to meet alone with SD13's individual T tomorrow.  I haven't figured out what her new plan is - maybe convince SD13's T that mom is the best mom ever?  Except mom has also been posting on the parenting app all day that she isn't going to see SD anymore because FT is mean.

I really do feel sorry for uBPDmom.  She's spiraling down so fast.  I'm not sure whether to hope she ends up back in inpatient psychiatric care to get her help or hope she can pull herself out of it.

But mostly I feel sorry for SD.  We've been doing our best to protect SD's relationship with her mom, and her mom has caused so much damage.  Again.

Sounds like uBPDmom may not follow through with this appointment either, or will go away for awhile on her own. 

Either way, this sounds exhausting.  I can't believe she can file a suit to change temporary orders so soon like that, especially given the history here.

[worriedStepmom]

Sounds like uBPDmom may not follow through with this appointment either, or will go away for awhile on her own. 

She didn't show up to pick up SD13 yesterday or today.  We'll see if she shows next weekend.

SD and I had a long talk a few days ago.  She's not sad, she's MAD.  I finally explained to her that we thought mom has a personality disorder, and what that means.  That it would be really hard for mom to get better, because her brain is telling her she's just fine.   SD is boggled at the idea that mom was like this before SD was born too - she thought it was a recent change.   SD also admitted she's been swallowing her feelings at our house because she doesn't want to make H unhappy.  We made a plan that H will go with her to her next therapy session so that the therapist can help SD tell him whatever she thinks he'll be unhappy about.  She's actually excited about this - she told me that of course it won't go like her family therapy with mom, because dad wouldn't act like mom.