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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: He has moved on, and knowing that has helped me  (Read 206 times)
Beth2468

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Recently broken up
Posts: 23


« on: August 18, 2020, 04:40:10 AM »

My ex left just over a month ago.
Yesterday I got a Facebook friend request from a girl in the town he has moved to. He has me blocked on Facebook.
I have been thinking for a while that he probably has someone else already.
Following the friend request I used an old account to look him up, his profile pic is one of him and a new girlfriend.
I know the advice is not to look but I'm glad I did. It stung, and I shook for a while. Looking at the comments that he and her friends have made on on her (identical) profile photo - history is repeating, compared to what he used to say to me, and his ex before me.  Yes he has put that smile back on her face, and it's great to see...but it won't last.

The friend request was from a different girl, so maybe he tried her out before this new one, not my business not my concern.

One of my mantras is "His actions are the truth" (thanks to all of you who say it on here) it really has helped me to see him moving on. I know that I am nowhere near ready yet, I can't contemplate the idea of being with someone else. I am going to heal and recover first, and it feels like I have taken a big step this morning and let go. 
I hope you all have a good day, be kind to yourselves.
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grumpydonut
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 163



« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2020, 07:19:44 AM »

They seem to all follow the same pattern. The thing that interests me is how they manage to get relationships so easily. I know I sure struggle, even when in a mental state that enables me to be in one.

You're right regarding history repeating itself. Someone who bounces from relationship to relationship is doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over. How can he do anything but doom himself when he isn't willing to look at himself.

Poor girl. Hopefully she doesn't damage her too badly.

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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 151


« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2020, 08:20:46 AM »

One of my mantras is "His actions are the truth" (thanks to all of you who say it on here) it really has helped me to see him moving on. I know that I am nowhere near ready yet, I can't contemplate the idea of being with someone else. I am going to heal and recover first, and it feels like I have taken a big step this morning and let go.  
I hope you all have a good day, be kind to yourselves.

It's good to hear from you again, Beth. I like your mantra "His actions are the truth." I wanted to share a couple of mine with you: The first is: past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. The second is: when people tell you who they are the first time, believe them (Maya Angelou).

You may remember me explaining some about the breakup in other discussion threads with my uBPD ex-g/f. She was with her rebound guy about two weeks after our split, but she waited about 5-6 weeks to profess their relationship on social media with a post and a photo. My guess is she did that to prevent her family, friends, and church members from knowing that she moved on to someone else so quickly.

A family member of mine saw the photo and the social media post professing the relationship. She called me on the phone to tell me about it. Once I looked at it myself, it stung much like you described when you saw the photo of your ex with his new g/f. The more I sat there and thought about it, I came to the realization that it's going to be nothing more than the same song and dance for my ex this time around with him. Oddly enough, she complained to me about him and the three other guys that were trying to hook up with her before she and I started dating by stating that they all "tried to talk me into doing things that made me feel uncomfortable." I can only assume that since she went back that, it's the way she prefers to be treated, and that's exactly who she is as a person. Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, and her actions are the truth!

Hang in there. It sounds like you are making great progress!

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Beth2468

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Recently broken up
Posts: 23


« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2020, 10:05:11 AM »

They seem to all follow the same pattern. The thing that interests me is how they manage to get relationships so easily. I know I sure struggle, even when in a mental state that enables me to be in one.

You're right regarding history repeating itself. Someone who bounces from relationship to relationship is doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over. How can he do anything but doom himself when he isn't willing to look at himself.

Poor girl. Hopefully she doesn't damage her too badly.



I think that they cast their nets wide, and they are good at spotting people who are in need of love bombing/idealisation. One of the new g/f's friends commented "it's great to see that smile back on your face" and she responded with "I'm back" - so many of my friends said that to me when I posted photos of us.
He can't be on his own, he said as much to me once when I told him I wasn't ready for a r/s - he went back to his ex.  It's easier for him to feel the happy new relationship bubbles than to deal with his issues. 
I also hope he doesn't damage her too badly, but I have resolved not to follow their relationship any further.   I am going to struggle to be honest but I'll try
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Beth2468

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Recently broken up
Posts: 23


« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2020, 10:24:21 AM »

It's good to hear from you again, Beth. I like your mantra "His actions are the truth." I wanted to share a couple of mine with you: The first is: past behavior is a predictor of future behavior. The second is: when people tell you who they are the first time, believe them (Maya Angelou).

Thank you Brighter Future. Past behaviour being a predictor of future behaviour I am familiar with, and it is definitely true of my ex, and all our BPD exes I expect.  The second one, hmm, that's given me food for thought.  Did he tell me who he was the first time? My comment in response to Grumpy's post springs to mind. I will give this a bit more consideration.

You may remember me explaining some about the breakup in other discussion threads with my uBPD ex-g/f. She was with her rebound guy about two weeks after our split, but she waited about 5-6 weeks to profess their relationship on social media with a post and a photo. My guess is she did that to prevent her family, friends, and church members from knowing that she moved on to someone else so quickly].

I do remember, yes. Interestingly, he is not "in a relationship" yet on FB, but new g/f is. I think that may be so that friends don't think badly of him for moving on so quickly, although they are probably used to it. Maybe he was waiting for her to do it first. I am resolving (trying) not too think about it too much.

I'm pleased you came to the same realisation as me although that initial bit was tough.  We have the capacity for personal growth and change that they do not. Long term, our chances of happiness are greater. Thank you for your comment about me making good progress. In my experience so far, I will often have a bad day after a good one, but the bad days are getting less bad, and the good days are getting better.  So yes, I think I am making good progress too.

I really do feel a sense of being set free  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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brighter future
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 151


« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2020, 11:19:57 AM »

Beth,

My uBPD ex-g/f told me who she was at the start of our relationship. Sadly I didn't listen because I felt like if she had positive support in her life and a stable relationship, she'd want to change turn her life around especially since she said "This is not who I am or want to be." She also told me, "You remind me of the person that I want to be someday." Before she told me those things, I told her I appreciated her acting like a lady while we'd been dating. She asked me to define what being a lady meant to me. I told her that to me a lady was someone that respects herself and others. Her reply was, "Hmmm, I  like that. I think that's something I'd like to be someday." Looking back at that now, her comment speaks volumes. Once again she was telling me who she really is, and I wasn't listening.

She told me a month into our relationship that she started sleeping with her rebound guy after she left her ex-husband and was also talking to three other guys that she went to high school at the same time. It was at this time that she told me "All four of them tried talking me into things that made me feel uncomfortable". I also found out at this time that she broke it off with the rebound guy to start dating me. As you already know, she went back to the rebound guy two weeks after she broke it off with me and was most likely in bed with him again a short time later. I also learned through a mutual friend that she was also talking to those three other guys again from her  high school days and two years prior. Our mutual friend said she seemed proud of that and was giggling as she was telling her about these men saying that "they all come out of the woodwork when they see I'm single again." It baffles me how she thinks this behavior is going to land her a lasting relationship. She's blinded by the illness I suppose. She's gone right back to where she was before we started dating, but did she ever really stop that behavior while she was with me? I'll never know for sure.
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