BPD and more

[WalkingonEggshel]

 
Hello all,

My wife has BDP possible Bi-polar, anxiety, depression and other behavior issues.  She was recently committed to the hospital under form 1.  They have her meds and apparently have a plan for her but she has been down this route before and nothing seems to make her want to change for me or our kids.  5 and 2.  Her family is telling me to suck it up cause her and the kids need us together however, I am loosing my mental health and recently been getting support from counsellors and friends to help me through this.  My wife came into our relationship with no money and no job.  She worked short term before we got pregnant with my first and I have since paid for her schooling and encouraged her to get back into the work force.  Her mental health has kept her from perusing a job or keeping on long term.  I have no idea what legal rights I have other than what my wife and her parents have told me.  " The wife gets all the money, the house and the kids and I will be living in my truck".  My biggest fear is that she will have them full time or even half time, at this point she is unfit.  I am in Alberta Canada and I hope someone has some advice or anything.  Please.

[ForeverDad]

I have no idea what legal rights I have other than what my wife and her parents have told me.  "The wife gets all the money, the house and the kids and I will be living in my truck".

Your mentally ill spouse is not someone to listen to on legal matters.  Similar for her parents, for them typically "blood is thicker than water".  You need to consult with multiple lawyers/solicitors.  Most here are in USA and Canadian policies and laws are probably a bit different.

That your spouse has a mental health history is very, very important to document.  Collect and preserve any and all hospital and doctor paperwork.  Later if/when the marriage implodes you will find no cooperation with sharing such documentation, either from her or her medical professionals.  Later on they won't want to get in the middle of any mental health issues during a divorce or custody struggle.

Second point is that you have to beware of TMI.  You are likely to innocently share Too Much Information.  While you're trying to salvage the relationship, as you did in the past, you do share information.  However, if you are contemplating ending the marriage, thing change drastically, you do share parenting information but little else... your options, strategies and legal maneuvers DO NOT get shared.  At that point TMI can be used to sabotage you.

There is a difference between Bipolar and Borderline.  Bipolar is largely a chemical imbalance and meds address that more or less.  Borderline is a mental health or personality disorder and long term therapy is needed to address it.  Meds might help lessen the BPD behaviors, but long term intensive therapy is key to staying on the path to recovery.

Others will chime in here with additional strategies, observations and Canadian experiences but I wanted to be sure you heard my two urgent points quickly.

[MeandThee29]

I'm not Canadian, but I agree that you shouldn't assume that your partner knows the score legally.

In my marriage, he'd put divorce on the table to scare me because I was mostly a SAHM. That went on for over a decade, and he'd tell me that I'd end up living in the van with the kids, getting food at the food bank.

When he left for good, he and his family decided that I was 95% to blame. They would not hold him accountable despite documented mental health issues. I was thankful that a wise older relative told me early on to not initiate any contact with his relatives after he left to protect myself, and not to hold any hope that they'd ever believe me. She said to focus on people who had known me for years and would stick by me while I waited for it to all shake out. Maybe some of his people would come back, and maybe they wouldn't. So that's what I did. I held my ground.

I didn't end up living in the van. I had some very lean years, but I was always able to pay my basic bills. I hired an attorney with a specialty in high conflict divorce. After thrashing about for too long, my attorney and I threatened court if they wouldn't sign the last draft agreement which was very reasonable. His attorney was over-the-top frustrated and very willing to work with us. My ex was not willing to settle, so we threatened. His attorney said, "Sign or I quit." My ex signed.

I would recommend that you start reading blogs and Facebook pages of local attorneys. I did this for some time in preparation. I learned the vocabulary, the culture of different firms, and how to pick an attorney that fit my goals. I talked with locals I knew who might know about attorneys and collected reports. I went to a free divorce seminar held by the firm I ultimately went with and met their attorneys and staff members. I actually interviewed five attorneys, and ended up very happy with the one I picked. He wasn't cheap, but his intuition and ability to find what he called "the wedge" got it done.

[worriedStepmom]

The absolute best thing you can do is go see a lawyer.  You don't have to hire one now.  You don't have to file for divorce yet.  You do need to know what your legal rights are, what the courts in your jurisdiction default to, and what evidence you'd need to get the outcome you think is best for your kids.

Some evidence is better to have when it's fresh.  For example, it's extremely relevant that your spouse just got out of inpatient psychiatric care.  It isn't as relevant if she was released a year prior.

A lawyer can explain all of this for your area, so that you have the knowledge you need to decide what to do next.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.  Suggest you read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  It will help scope what you may be in for.  And I concur with WSM to start conversations with legal professionals.  Search this forum for questions to ask the lawyers during your free consultations.  Last, this forum is also a great place to research how to develop your safety and separation plans.  Keep posting and asking questions in here.  People in here provide great advice and ask critical questions.  There are those our there (here?) that lurk (like me mostly) and your questions may help someone else.  Good luck.  CoMo

[WalkingonEggshel]

Thank you everyone for the help.  I will be looking into lawyers asap.  However, my wife has agreed to do therapy.  Perhaps even a private one that specializes in DBT therapy?
Thanks again everyone.

[GaGrl]

It certainly isn't hurt to talk to one of several lawyers even though your wife has agreed to do therapy.

Many times, BPD spouses have made promises to do therapy (or marriage counseling) only to quit when they were unhappy with confronting their part in the couple of family dysfunction.

Do you have anything documented regarding her promise to do therapy -- email, text, voicemail? If not, you might want to start a journal that could be helpful as documentation later on, should you need it. You can notes her commitment, then track her success at holding to that commitment. You can notes which parenting tasks you do, how kuch, as well as the amount of quality time spent with your children.

[worriedStepmom]

Thank you everyone for the help.  I will be looking into lawyers asap.  However, my wife has agreed to do therapy.  Perhaps even a private one that specializes in DBT therapy?

Try not to get your hopes up too high.  Therapy *can* help someone with BPD, but it may take years to see consistent results.  And that's only if the person wants to be helped.

My SD's mom loves the idea of therapy and has seen therapists and a psychiatrist for years.  She is willing to work on parts of herself if she can ascribe the problem to someone/something else.  If she is forced out of the victim role - pressured to acknowledge that her decisions or behaviors are problematic to others and need to be changed - she changes therapists. 

I believe that mom's therapy has helped mom (which is good!), but it has not helped her to understand and/or prioritize SD13's needs.

[WalkingonEggshel]

Well now I have less hope than I did before.  How old is your mom?  I ask because my wife is quite young and she seems to understand the effects its having on her family, kids and myself.  I am hoping she takes it seriously.