I'm having anxiety over my relationship and relationship partner with BPD

[jovy]

I am so glad there is this forum to reach out to. I don't want to share this stuff with my family/friends because they know the BPD and she wouldn't want me talking to them about her.  I'm having severe anxiety over my relationship and partner with BPD. I have a pain in my chest all the time and I'm not able to sleep because of the anxiety. I don't know how to relieve the anxiety other than getting out of the relationship, but I don't want to end the relationship because I love her. I'm thinking about telling her about the anxiety I'm feeling in connection with her, however, the idea of doing so is very scary. I'm afraid she will wonder what I'm doing with her if I have anxiety over her and think I don't love her and become hurt and want to end the relationship. Can anyone relate to this post? Any feedback would be appreciated.

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[Rev]

I am so glad there is this forum to reach out to. I don't want to share this stuff with my family/friends because they know the BPD and she wouldn't want me talking to them about her.  I'm having severe anxiety over my relationship and partner with BPD. I have a pain in my chest all the time and I'm not able to sleep because of the anxiety. I don't know how to relieve the anxiety other than getting out of the relationship, but I don't want to end the relationship because I love her. I'm thinking about telling her about the anxiety I'm feeling in connection with her, however, the idea of doing so is very scary. I'm afraid she will wonder what I'm doing with her if I have anxiety over her and think I don't love her and become hurt and want to end the relationship. Can anyone relate to this post? Any feedback would be appreciated.

Hi there,

So yeah... tough spot.

I think you should listen to  your instincts and NOT say much about your anxiety.  If you are wanting to stay with her, you will need to improve your own skill set. 

Does she have a diagnosis and is she willing to go for counselling for herself?

Regardless, trying to tell a pwBDP that they need to accommodate our stress and change their behavior is a little bit like asking a person who needs to eat gluten free to change their diet.  Just not really going to work without consequences that will in the end make things worse.

There do exist therapist/coaches out there who can help you.

Where do you think your anxiety is coming from exactly?  Can you pinpoint it?  Is it her or is her behavior (which I assume can be difficult and unstable by times) or is her behavior triggering something deeper in you?

Thoughts?

Rev

[jovy]

Thanks Rev.

Yes, she was diagnosed BPD about 2 years ago and yes she has been seeing the same therapist that diagnosed her since then.

Yes, I like your analogy about the person who needs to eat gluten free. I just thought by sharing a little about my anxiety with her would at least let her know what is going on with me and in doing so maybe she would appreciate my honesty and allow us to grow a little closer. But then again, it is scary because then she would know I have some uncomfortable feelings about her and that would probably cause her to become hurt and upset with me, which is something I have difficulty with, i.e., her becoming hurt and then becoming upset and angry with me.

Yes I am in the process of setting up an appointment with a new therapist. I am hoping my therapist will have some good input on this.

As for my anxiety, I believe that her behavior is a big part of it but I don't think it is all of it. Some of my anxiety is coming from my own insecurity and sense of inadequacy. I feel scared and intimidated by her for different reasons, some of which is her BPD behavior but not all of which is her BPD behavior. Some of it has to do with me not feeling worthy of her. She is intelligent, sophisticated, beautiful and very sexually experienced and uninhibited. This is intimidating and scary to me. So, as I say, some of my fear has to do with my own stuff. I think my own anxiety, coupled with the anxiety that is connected to her behavior, is together causing my high anxiety. I think if I didn't have feelings of inadequacy, I think my anxiety level in connection with her would be less. I also have anxiety over things not connected to my relationship with her, i.e., my ability to function and take care of myself due to my emotional condition.

I look forward to any replies to what I have just shared.

[start_again]

Thanks Rev.


As for my anxiety, I believe that her behavior is a big part of it but I don't think it is all of it. Some of my anxiety is coming from my own insecurity and sense of inadequacy.

I look forward to any replies to what I have just shared.

I can identify with the anxiety, for me it is the unknown of when the next round of temper tantrums are going to happen.  What has helped me is this site and getting an understanding that I am only responsible for my feelings not those of my significant others.   No matter how bad it can get I do know that eventually my SO will come back to earth if you will.  I absolutely have to stay grounded and not add to the fire - for me that would be to do the next right thing.  The next right thing during the tantrums is not trying to fix her, it is not trying to logically have her see it differently, it is not wanting her to validate me and my feelings.  The next right thing for me is acknowledge her feelings “ I can understand why you are feeling this way” and then take care of myself.
What has helped me with my insecurity and feelings of inadequacy is to not allow my SO to live rent free in my head.  If she called me a chair I wouldn’t believe it so why would I believe the names she calls me.  Turn the channel, change a thought are some of the tools I use.  When I do this, which is not all the time, I smile to myself and celebrate a win.
Friends, hobbies helping others, thanking people are some of the ways that can get me out of the poor me and feeling sorry for myself pattern.  If I keep playing the “poor me look what is being done to me” record over and over again I am not helping myself or others.  If I go out and lend a hand give thanks and be grateful I now have changed my way of thinking about myself.
How can I help others to help myself be the grateful person I should be?  Not an easy task...

[Rev]

Yes, I like your analogy about the person who needs to eat gluten free. I just thought by sharing a little about my anxiety with her would at least let her know what is going on with me and in doing so maybe she would appreciate my honesty and allow us to grow a little closer. But then again, it is scary because then she would know I have some uncomfortable feelings about her and that would probably cause her to become hurt and upset with me, which is something I have difficulty with, i.e., her becoming hurt and then becoming upset and angry with me.

I look forward to any replies to what I have just shared.

So my friend,

I only have two things to say -

ONE - regarding your entire post - Wow are you EVER on the right track.  Shop carefully for your T - this is a relationship and your T is not just a source of knowledge but also a moral companion on your journey. Learning to pick a T who you feel synergy with is in itself part of the therapeutic journey. A good relationship will challenge you in a safe way, and sometimes even confront you.

TWO - the part I quoted above. Yeah - listen to those instincts. Filling her in on your stress may not be such a good idea right now. BUT - if you have good and thorough discussions with your T you may be able to identify the right time to share something.

There's a general rule that with the right timing, you can say something badly and it still goes over.  With bad timing, not so much. With pwBPD, the right timing is like looking for that needle ...

You are doing awesome!

Good luck and godspeed.

Rev

[jovy]

Thanks Rev. To update everyone, she and I are breaking up. Something happened that triggered her wanting to break up with me, and since I have been thinking a break up would be best, I didn't try to persuade her to stay. There are some things that I agreed to do to accommodate her that I no longer feel comfortable doing anymore. Accepting that we are no longer a couple is difficult for me. I guess I'm still in the denial stage. I'm also experiencing a lot of guilt and anxiety in connection with the break up. I feel like I want to reach out to her and apologize for a couple of things, however, she is hurt/angry and has indicated she doesn't want to talk to me, so I haven't done so yet. She set a boundary by saying she doesn't want to talk so I am respecting her wishes and not reaching out to her just yet.

Any replies to this post would be appreciated.

[Rev]

Thanks Rev. To update everyone, she and I are breaking up. Something happened that triggered her wanting to break up with me, and since I have been thinking a break up would be best, I didn't try to persuade her to stay. There are some things that I agreed to do to accommodate her that I no longer feel comfortable doing anymore. Accepting that we are no longer a couple is difficult for me. I guess I'm still in the denial stage. I'm also experiencing a lot of guilt and anxiety in connection with the break up. I feel like I want to reach out to her and apologize for a couple of things, however, she is hurt/angry and has indicated she doesn't want to talk to me, so I haven't done so yet. She set a boundary by saying she doesn't want to talk so I am respecting her wishes and not reaching out to her just yet.

Any replies to this post would be appreciated.

So I have this one in my sights.  I'll take a few days to think about it. But in the meantime, this is a good time to store up some energy for the journey of healing. Sleep, proper diet and exercise are all part of it.

Don't know if you drink, but if you can, avoid alcohol.  Bad calories, takes lots of energy to digest.

These things do not make the pain go away.  But what they do is to offer you the chance to be physically fit enough to process the grief. That takes energy.

Hang in there.  Respect her boundaries and your boundaries. Try not to reach out.

Rev

[Rev]

Hang in there.  Respect her boundaries and your boundaries. Try not to reach out.

Rev

Following this, I come to a realization about boundary setting with pwBPD.  The only boundaries that will be set that will be healthy and permanent will come from you. Hers will only ever be temporary because the big challenge for both the pwBPD and those in relationships with them is the temporary nature of their reality.

So I am changing my advice. Set your boundaries and make sure that you and she respect them. It's to only way to carve out the space for the healing you are looking for.

Hang in there.

Rev

[jovy]

Thanks Rev