Mediation complete, settlement hearing pending, STBX still very labile

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello All, I am returning and would like to give an update and get some advice.  A quick recap:  STBX left the with the kids to her dad's at the end of March after filing a bogus TPO.  I filed for divorce the week afterwards and we had a TPO hearing in May, after which I have been seeing the kids every other weekend.  We had mediation last month, and even though we agreed to joint custody, pending her moving back to the area, there is no timetable or urgency for her return.  At some point, in order to have the kids return home, I offered to mve out, pay the mortgage for a year, and have her keep the house/equity.  She refused the offer.  We have a settlement hearing in front of a judge in 3 weeks. 

I am an ER physician and we agreed to joint custody that involves her picking up shifts (she is a nurse) on my days off, and me having time with the kids on those days.  I chose this mostly because of the need to do distance learning with the kids during this pandemic.  She was also non-committal on holidays/birthdays, and wanted it to be decided based on schedule and communication.  I am now doubtful this will work, and I am working on applying for an Au Pair, so that I can suggest a more regular schedule (weekly) with the kids. 

I was thrown off my visitation schedule because my job mistakenly scheduled me for back-to-back weekends, next week and labor day weekend.  Due to this mistake, I asked her if she could bring them in 3 weeks, then resume our every other weekend schedule afterwards, to match my current availability.  While she is willing to bring them on Sep 11th, she is insistent on returning to the old schedule and return them on Sep 18th, even though I have to work that weekend.  What makes it more annoying is that she drives to DC every weekend to work and leaves the kids with her dad when they are not with me.  So her switching he schedule does not affect her time with the kids at all.  My lawyer is going to send a lawyer to her lawyer next week, and I am hoping to make my case with the judge on Sep 10th, when me have our settlement hearing. 

I had my boss write a letter explaining the scheduling mistake and my lawyer is  going to reach out to her lawyer next week.  She seems to enjoy exerting the one thing she has control over at this time, which is my time with the kids.  I have given up hope of co-parenting and realize parallel parenting is the best option at this time.  Has anyone here transitioned from parallel parenting to being good co-parents?

She has been cycling between blaming me for forcing the divorce on her (even though she left and filed a TPO,  stating she wanted a separation), to texting me about how sad she is, sometimes crying when she drops off the kids, to the opposite extreme of calling me a narcissist and justifying why she left.  It is a roller-coaster that is now easier to recognize when I am not in the middle of it.  I do a good job not getting sucked into the vortex, but once in a while, I find myself  JADEing. (Justify/Arguing/Defending/Explaining).   

Having a STBX with suspect BPD and children has been very difficult to navigate.  I would love to go no contact, but it's hard when it feels like the kids are being taken as hostage. 

I would like to get the perspective of people who have been through the process, I would like to believe that it gets better.

Thanks for your time.

[Jeronimo]

Hello All, I am returning and would like to give an update and get some advice.  A quick recap:  STBX left the with the kids to her dad's at the end of March after filing a bogus TPO.  I filed for divorce the week afterwards and we had a TPO hearing in May, after which I have been seeing the kids every other weekend.  We had mediation last month, and even though we agreed to joint custody, pending her moving back to the area, there is no timetable or urgency for her return.  At some point, in order to have the kids return home, I offered to mve out, pay the mortgage for a year, and have her keep the house/equity.  She refused the offer.  We have a settlement hearing in front of a judge in 3 weeks. 

I am an ER physician and we agreed to joint custody that involves her picking up shifts (she is a nurse) on my days off, and me having time with the kids on those days.  I chose this mostly because of the need to do distance learning with the kids during this pandemic.  She was also non-committal on holidays/birthdays, and wanted it to be decided based on schedule and communication.  I am now doubtful this will work, and I am working on applying for an Au Pair, so that I can suggest a more regular schedule (weekly) with the kids. 

I was thrown off my visitation schedule because my job mistakenly scheduled me for back-to-back weekends, next week and labor day weekend.  Due to this mistake, I asked her if she could bring them in 3 weeks, then resume our every other weekend schedule afterwards, to match my current availability.  While she is willing to bring them on Sep 11th, she is insistent on returning to the old schedule and return them on Sep 18th, even though I have to work that weekend.  What makes it more annoying is that she drives to DC every weekend to work and leaves the kids with her dad when they are not with me.  So her switching he schedule does not affect her time with the kids at all.  My lawyer is going to send a lawyer to her lawyer next week, and I am hoping to make my case with the judge on Sep 10th, when me have our settlement hearing. 

I had my boss write a letter explaining the scheduling mistake and my lawyer is  going to reach out to her lawyer next week.  She seems to enjoy exerting the one thing she has control over at this time, which is my time with the kids.  I have given up hope of co-parenting and realize parallel parenting is the best option at this time.  Has anyone here transitioned from parallel parenting to being good co-parents?

She has been cycling between blaming me for forcing the divorce on her (even though she left and filed a TPO,  stating she wanted a separation), to texting me about how sad she is, sometimes crying when she drops off the kids, to the opposite extreme of calling me a narcissist and justifying why she left.  It is a roller-coaster that is now easier to recognize when I am not in the middle of it.  I do a good job not getting sucked into the vortex, but once in a while, I find myself  JADEing. (Justify/Arguing/Defending/Explaining).   

Having a STBX with suspect BPD and children has been very difficult to navigate.  I would love to go no contact, but it's hard when it feels like the kids are being taken as hostage. 

I would like to get the perspective of people who have been through the process, I would like to believe that it gets better.

Thanks for your time.

[ForeverDad]

My son aged out of the court system earlier this year.  Look like university is next.  Now it is less difficult to co-parent?

My history, separated when son was nearly 4 years old, she had custody and control in the temp order, divorce final two years later with equal time but I held firm to be the parent in charge of school which was a good thing because she moved around and I didn't have to follow.  When he was 9 I got custody and when he was nearly 12 I got majority parenting time during the school year.  Since then, with her entitlement and disparagement balloons deflated, nothing happened to require going back to court.

My advice?  Get the best order possible as early in the parenting as possible.  Court seems to prefer making only minimal improvements hoping a small change will fix the issues.  So as a result we keep going back...  So do your best to now get the best order possible.  It's like being in a marathon and you get to take a shortcut from mile 5 to mile 10, still a struggle ahead of you but you can see the finish line sooner.

(No I don't do marathons, the most I ran was a mile in 8th grade.)

Another perspective.  You may feel you need to show how nice, reasonable and accommodating you are to the court.  Sorry, it doesn't care all that much.  It expects a bit of a struggle.  So while you do need to be polite and level-headed - and the clear problem solver - being appeasing or too-fair or whatever won't make a difference to the court.  A truism here is, "The person behaving poorly typically seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well typically seldom gets credit."

[Jeronimo]

Hey ForeverDad,

Thanks for your feedback.  I truly think I have been trying to "model" behavior for the STBX in the hopes that we can truly get to some level of understanding about our roles as co-parents.  Your last sentence is sobering but true.  I've been accused by my therapist as being too nice.  I think I'm still fine tuning my assertiveness skills.