Ghosted, Cheated on, Abandoned by BPD ex. Extreme emotional pain.

[MikeNeedsHelp]

I am not sure where to begin because I am overwhelmed with my own severe emotional and legal problems as well as a recent breakup with a "girlfriend" with BPD.  I will try to sum it up the best I can.  I just turned 34, and in October of 2019, after many years of severe drinking and self isolation (never having a real girlfriend), abandoned by my Dad 7 years prior, growing up experiencing emotional neglect and physical abuse in the household from alcoholic father, I reached out to a girl I had first met 12 years prior where we had had a breek weeks long sexual relationship.  I initially stopped contact her with back then because I got very bad uncomfortable vibes.  I met up with her again through Facebook in October 2019 while heavily intoxicated (she's a heavy alcoholic too) and we met up at her place a couple days later and our first "date" lasted 5 days.  Again, she has BPD (been diagnosed back in teen years, she is now 33), serious neglect issues growing up, former eating disorder, alcoholism, anger issues, mulitple sex partners, ODD, and whatever else.  At the time of us becoming girlfriend/boyfriend in October 2019 she was in the middle of breaking up with her boyfriend of 4 years who was still technically living there.  A few weeks passed and she got an order of protection of him and he was gone.  We drank and laughed and cuddled and had sex all the time for the first "honeymoon" part of our relationship for about a month.  I was doing this because I had no friends in real life, was involved in toxic communities online with people who essentially laughed at me for my drunken behavior, for years.  It felt so good to be with someone, to hold someone.  She had a million red flags about her that I was noticing, with her unpredictable behavior, not brushing teeth, constantly talking with tons of other guys who wanted to get with her (and probably talking dirty to them).  I constantly felt like I was on egg-shells, like I couldn't say anything.  She would often sit on top of me when she talked and tell me how much she loved me, like she has never felt like this about anyone before, how I am everything she has wanted in a man.  Not to to toot my own horn, but I have a neuroscience degree, I am very caring, decent looking, and I feel that she has never been with someone "like me" before, so she wanted to "keep" me no matter what. She even said many times that she would do anything not to lose me.  I would often not know how to or when to leave her apartment without upsetting both of us.  On top of this I feel that I have undiagnosed "cluster B" type BPD/NPD traits, have been accused of having NPD by people when I was drunk, etc.  In our fights she would often call me an entitled narcissist.  I tried to be as caring as loving as possible, even though I knew she wasn't right for me, I was bored almost all of the time over at her tiny little apartment which was a cluster-F.  When I would leave her place I would go back home for a few days, binge drink for a couple days to forget about everything, stream chess online and hang out with my "friends" who were really only there to laugh at me (a form of abuse).  She would get very upset and feel abandoned when I did this.  My extreme depression and loneliness and anxiety seem to worsen severely with her.  I felt MORE and MORE alone being with her.  She once called another guy on the phone "babe" in front of me, who claims is just like a "brother" to her.  I could never trust her, I constantly had to have her tell me that I was the only one, but I always felt like I was just background dust no matter what.  I came across a page here about emotional abuse in BPD relationships, and I realized it described her/us EXACTLY. https://www.susanquinn.net/are-you-in-a-relationship-with-an-emotionally-abusive-person-with-borderline-personality-disorder/.  I felt trapped by her didn't know how to leave, yet I really wanted and needed her.  She would often sit and profess her love for me, and I would just sit there and listen, go silent, blank, not knowing what to say or how to react.  I was scared, and she knew I was scared.  Sometimes she would say "I'm sorry I'm so crazy.  I KNOW how messed up I am"  And to make matters worse I was emotionally and physically abusive to her, when drinking.  I was very reactive, and so was she.  We were like a storm.  Ultimately one day we got in a fight and I got arrested for domestic assault, for pinning her to the bed with my arms, the cops said she showed her bruises, but she has bruises on her body ALL of the time that she cannot explain, which makes matters even worse (I think it's from taking medication from so many years).  She also eats very little, I would cook her food, drive her around, do anything I could for her, drive over at 3 am, ANYTHING.  She never wanted to do anything, I wanted her to go for walks with me, be a positive force in getting US better and healthier. I tried to tell her that it's important to EAT and not just drink alcohol because it makes your perception EVEN WORSE.  I tried and tried and tried.  I basically just did what she did, not eat as much, and drink a lot, with her.  Eventually she said I couldn't drink around her because I "became violent" so I would stop drinking around her, and let her drink around me.  Anxiety and fear was building, for months and months, I was given a DANCO and yet we got back in contact within a week after the arrest.  Then one night we had been hanging out for several days, and she was being very much a "bitch" the night before, and that night I decided to start drinking around 3 am when she was asleep.  I made her a nice homemade pizza, brought it to her in bed, was feeling GREAT, told her I was just having a few shots, and I was in a great mood.  Everything was fine.  Then a few hours later, I was hanging out in her kitchen on my phone voice-chatting with friends on a voice program over the internet playing chess, and I had drank at least 10 of her beers, and at least 10 of her shots - I was GONE.   I don't remember much, but she came out to hear me screaming or being loud, and all of my anxiety from us came out in that moment, and I yelled at her, threw her, pinned her down on her bed, headbutted her in the face, partially broke her nose, and she hid in the bathroom and I said "if you call the police there will be dead bodies" I didn't mean that AT ALL, i was just saying it out of fear.  Little did I know someone from the internet on my phone was recording the entire fiasco.  The cops came, I was arrested for 2 felonies, another domestic, and violation of DANCO.  I was on suicide watch in the jail, I have been suicidal ever since.  A few weeks after the event, I reached out to her through e-mail professing my deep and sincere sorrow because I was SO SO lonely and hurt, and we started hanging out, but she had IMMEDIATELY after I was arrested had a guy she knew move in with her and was sleeping in her bed, claims to just be a heroin-addict friend that she was looking after.  One night on the phone with her while she was drunk and slightly incoherent (I stopped drinking permanently since the event on April 12 2020) about 3 weeks after the event, I was going for a walk in the park to have a conversation with her, and she hung up on me.  Every time I would talk to her on the phone something would happen where she would just hang up, EVERY time.  So I drove over to her place, against the law, after my walk to try to make amends with her.  She came outside because this other guy was in her apartment, and she was drunk and angry, and then claimed I was screaming at her or whatever, and I eventually got very angry yelled at her and left.  After that she told the guy she's living with to call the cops if he ever saw me.  We still continued to talk, and managed to see other while she was house-sitting a friend of hers, had sexual relations, made amends MANY MANY times.  But every time we got in a fight or I said the wrong thing, she would shame me for "what I did to her", even though the countless times we had made amends and how much I had profusely apologized.  It's like she would ALWAYS LOSE PERSPECTIVE and not REALIZE that.  She would always tell me what a good person I am and how "that wasn't me" when I was drunk, because IT WASN'T.  The drunk me and sober me are POLAR opposites.  So to end the story, a week ago from Friday, she shamed me again tell me how much her nose hurt and how much "it PLEASE READING HURTS!" (THE EMOTIONAL PAIN).  I of course read these texts when I just woke up, and I'm usually reactive when I just wake up, so I started telling her how she didn't even acknowledge what I said in the emails prior about telling her how unhappy and uncomfortable I was.  I had even tried to break up with her in January through an e-mail, and she claimed she never got the e-mail.  So I resent it, showed it in text, she still ignored, glossed over it - didn't want to deal with or acknowledge my feelings, yet always wants me to be there to acknowledge hers.  I have been going through alcohol treatment since the incident, getting psychological therapy, doing EVERYTHING.  Allowing her to call me on the phone drunk, not make any changes herself, etc.  I tried to tell her I was going through medication changes and how deeply alone and suicidally depressed and abandoned by her I feel.  I tried to keep her in perspective by telling her that we need to allow each others' emotions to exist, and recognize that we don't mean them to be AGAINST each other.  But yet she just KEPT having so much hate and resentment for me.  So after last Friday, she blocked me, I tried to call her that night left a voicemail saying "i would really like to end all of this hate, i'd really like to talk to you" then then next day sending her an e-mail saying "I'm sorry for everything...please call me when you are ready...I love you"  And normally she doesn't go more than a few days without responding.  By Wednesday of the next week, I saw her facebook picture of her and another guy.  Immediately after she blocked me she had him over, and I even suspected who it was and was right, because I had a friend ask her through facebook if it was her boyfriend and she said "yes, it's my boyfriend" and what his name was.  She said she deleted all my voicemails, didn't read my e-mails and just ghosted me. I found this out the day before my sentencing last Friday, which was my birthday.  She sent me an email the day before sentencing saying "PLEASE! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Please don't respond.

We have both hurt enough.
I just can't do it anymore.
Yes, I love you, though the way I love you has changed.
I care very much about you. And I hope more than anything, that you can find a way to manage, find peace, and purpose.
I just can't keep repeating the past.
You can't be what I need, and I can't be that for you.

Please, take care of yourself. "

And I just really wanted to talk to her before Friday, because after Friday, any violation of the DANCO would then be a FELONY.  Just a week or so prior we had talked about her telling the probation officer that we both wanted the DANCO removed, because we were "doing great" at the time, but then we got in a fight, and by the time she talked to the PO, she completely flipped and said she wanted nothing to do with me, and that I'm not taking the offense seriously, and that I think she's just an "evil vindictive bitch" and that I need anger management.  Even after I'm doing everything I can do better myself, apologized to her profusely, and she's the one with major rage issues.  Anyways, this e-mail that she sent is very similar to many many e-mails she has sent in the past.  I don't know what to believe, if she actually loved/loves me, cares/cared about me.  I don't know how long she has been cheating.  I know that she has received "dick pics" during our relationship, which I forgave (she claim he just "sent" them) , had another guy calling her "sweetie" all the time.  Now, the DANCO is there for 2 years, I am considered a violent criminal, even though I am not a violent person (I am actually VERY caring), I TRIED SO HARD TO DO ANYTHING I COULD TO MAKE IT WORK; anyone else would have left and given up, but my mental illness and aloneness and stubborness KEPT me TRYING AND TRYING, and now I have major legal ramifications, and I'm ALL ALONE.  I spend all the time crying, I wonder if I have BPD as well, I feel utterly hopeless, I feel so ALONE.  I live with my Mom and cry and repeat to her how alone and damaged I am, and how I'm NOT receiving the help I need.  The therapist in my group therapy is like a choreographed phony, she's WORTHLESS.  I feel so DISTANT and UNRELATABLE, like NOBODY will EVER understand me, and what's worse is I fear that I can't explain my pain properly, or if I seek a "good" therapy team I will explain it in the wrong order, in the wrong way, or be misdiagnosed.  The worse part is that she ghosted, abandoned me, and I know she has this other guy that she's holding and comforting her, while I'm all alone, and I can't talk to her to tell her how I feel. I want to hug her, cry with her, so so so bad.  But I'm just shunned from her life permanently, and I know it's for the best, but it's THE WAY that it ended that hurts more than I can put into words.  I have no job, no friends, I'm very alone, hurting, bored, and I'm desperate for help.  I'm SO CONFUSED AND HURT.  Did she/does she really love me, care about me?  What do I even think or feel?  Now I no longer have her, I no longer have booze, I no longer have toxic friends to "shoot the PLEASE READ" with.  I have NOBODY, I just live with my Mom, at 34, and I fear I can't work ANYWHERE because of my "violent" criminal record.  I cry all the time in extreme emotional pain.  I wish someone could explain to me what's wrong with me, what happened to me, and what to do to fix it.  I appreciate SO MUCH any help I can get, or guidance.  Thank you so much for reading this rambling, and I'm sorry if it was confusing, but I felt like it was better for it to be "off the cuff" then to try to fit everything in.  There is a lot of course that I couldn't fit in.  Thank You.  I NEED HELP!

[once removed]

I feel so DISTANT and UNRELATABLE, like NOBODY will EVER understand me

we understand you here 

Mike, no bones about it, the stakes here are enormous. as hard as it may be to hear, at least for right now, youve got to keep your distance, and grieve this relationship as one that is over.

i know thats easier said than done. i frequently lost my mind in the aftermath of my relationship, but reaching out was something i told myself i wouldnt do, couldnt do, and i didnt. beat your pillow, scream and cry, let it all out here (it will help), but set your limits on reaching out.

The therapist in my group therapy is like a choreographed phony, she's WORTHLESS.

that sucks. tell us more about how therapy is going...what is the interface between you and the therapist like? any chance of finding a better fit?

[MikeNeedsHelp]

I just want to find a therapist who understands and has experience with BPD/NPD, trauma, emotional neglect, loneliness, codependency, etc...  I tried reaching out to a local "company" of therapists but got put on a 3 month waitlist.  I can't wait.  The relationship with my "therapist" now is that I talk to her every 2 weeks, I feel like it's a chore talking to her and that she doesn't understand anything, which makes me feel more alone and hopeless.  Since everything is virtual with covid these days anyway, I wonder if I can find something that isn't necessarily local, maybe through this website?  The days are long, I'm on all kinds of medications which I don't believe in, and I have literally nobody but my Mom.

[FindingMe2011]

I initially stopped contact her with back then because I got very bad uncomfortable vibes.

This would be you, not listening to you and very common. Holding boundaries for ourselves and others, when we have never been taught this, is extremely  difficult. Practice makes perfect or so they say.

A few weeks passed and she got an order of protection of him and he was gone.

Long enough for her to realize she had made another attachment that would stick. You were hooked and she knew.

We drank and laughed and cuddled and had sex all the time for the first "honeymoon" part of our relationship for about a month.

This would be the amount of time most believe it takes, for the illness to start it cycle, very observant. You then spend the rest of the r/s trying to reach this point again. You were starting to grow. The intimacy you experienced put her abandonment fears to defcon 9. The dance intensifies.

I was bored almost all of the time over at her tiny little apartment which was a cluster-F. 

I hear this alot and always ask, because I seek truth. If your feeling bored with a someone/object. Is it that person or object, or you that is boring? I side with the latter, it was true for me. Needed a mindshift through alcohol or something, to allow myself to be seen. These days nothing much is needed and all around me benefit, especially me.

But yet she just KEPT having so much hate and resentment for me.

This is the illness. You are now the punitive parent from her childhood trauma. You are now both triggers for each others primal fears. Good luck with this. Now youre looking for answers from each other, yet none exists. They need to come from within.

She sent me an email the day before sentencing saying "PLEASE! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Please don't respond.


She decided to become the persecutor, and is now feeling poorly of herself. Many will commit suicide at this point, not being able to deal with it. She is avoiding annihilation/death in her mind. This needs to be respected.

The days are long, I'm on all kinds of medications which I don't believe in, and I have literally nobody but my Mom.

Find another T. If you feel stuck, you are. I was on meds in the beginning and used them as a crutch, like healing a broken leg. I wanted off and thats what I did. Be careful though stopping, starting, and missing meds can, and do make thing worse sometimes. Some mental issues require meds, most are learning disorders. Learning on drugs is hard...Do you talk about family of origin in therapy? I wish you well, Peace

[MikeNeedsHelp]

I'm not familiar with family of origin.  I can't stop thinking about her.  Just changed 2 meds last week, psychiatrist seems clueless, I am clueless, not sure if I am giving psych the right information regarding drug effects or not.  I really see absolutely no hope.  I'm not even sure if I myself has BPD/NPD and how much of this whole process was my fault.  I have no answers.  Just hoping one day I can find a shrink that actually GETS it, because I don't.  Every day is a lonely waste.

[FindingMe2011]

I'm not familiar with family of origin.  I can't stop thinking about her.

Your FOO has alot to do with you not being able to stop thinking about her.

Just changed 2 meds last week, psychiatrist seems clueless,

This is not good. Maybe a second opinion is in order? Have you been diagnosed? How do they know what treatment you need?...It seems that the medical field is more interested in medicating/burying issues than solving them. You should have confidence in what youre doing.

I am clueless, not sure if I am giving psych the right information regarding drug effects or not.

Maybe he isnt interpreting what you are saying, correctly. This is possible.

I'm not even sure if I myself has BPD/NPD and how much of this whole process was my fault. 

Chances are better than not, that you carry NPD traits. In these r/s its common for traits to roll into the other...When in Rome do as the Romans, or else. You will see your part, but no more than 50 % should be your part. It takes 2 to tango.

I have no answers.

Search for these, dont dictate them. They will come when they/you are ready. Its a process and requires patience for yourself. Not a strong suit of yours, for now. This can also change if you believe it can. Watching others should prove this to yourself.

Just hoping one day I can find a shrink that actually GETS it, because I don't.

Make sure you have discussions about BPD/NPD traits when looking. They should be able to give you some hope. Not just load you full of meds. Its hard to learn while medicated. Many times people exhibit bi-polar traits and meds are the answer. (this would also be true of schizoid) All others are learned disorders. This requires learning something new. So if this would be your case. You could possibly be changing brain chemistry, instead of learning. Im no doctor, but you should be able to ask these questions of yours.

Every day is a lonely waste.

If this is what you see than that is what youre doing. I see an individual looking for answers, helping himself, doing the best that he can. I applaud you. Its not the easiest path, but will bear the best fruit. These days are not failures. They are learning experiences, and systematically you can see what works for you, or is not working. Adjust and keep moving forward. Sometime we need to go backwards, to move forward. Be kind and forgiving to you. Its fair and it matters. I wish you well, Peace.

[once removed]

Just changed 2 meds last week, psychiatrist seems clueless, I am clueless, not sure if I am giving psych the right information regarding drug effects or not.  I really see absolutely no hope.  I'm not even sure if I myself has BPD/NPD and how much of this whole process was my fault.  I have no answers.  Just hoping one day I can find a shrink that actually GETS it, because I don't.  Every day is a lonely waste.

i feel for you man. things were hard for me for a long time. it does get better.

its important to know what youre looking for, in a therapist. there are so many different kinds of therapy. there are so many different kinds of therapists.

what are your sessions like? do you know what the therapist specializes in? what role in your recovery are you hoping for the therapist to fulfill?

[MikeNeedsHelp]

I found a lady on youtube who seems to "get it" but she is expensive.  However I don't care and I need her, for now, to help me.  https://www.youtube.com/c/MelanieAmandine/videos

Right now my therapy is just a "co-occuring" virtual group for drugs/alcohol.  My counselors are very primitive in their understanding and I have voiced to them (and they are on board) that I need to find additional and outside therapy that specializes in trauma, FOO, BPD/NPD, aloneness, emptiness, etc.  I have been told I should look into a DBT group, and start there, so that's what I will do.  I will also hire this Melanie from youtube who seems to understand BPD very very well. 

But the real reason why I'm making this post here now is because I asked an acquaintenance to check my ex's facebook posts since my court "sentencing" (which was on my birthday..) and on the day of my birthday and court my ex wrote "TODAY I GAIN REAL FREEDOM" and the following day she wrote "Honestly don't remember the last time I was this happy".  The night of my birthday she wrote to me "Happy Birthday" in email (before the FB posts) and 1 day prior she wrote me a goodbye email saying how she loves me and cares very much for me, blah blah, yet a week earlier i found out she was cheating (for god knows how long emotionally and/or physically) and just a week or two before court we were PERFECTLY fine.  She was telling me how amazing I was, how much she continues to fall more in love with me, etc etc.  So after reading these FB posts, I felt so incredibly hurt to the core, I went and deleted all photos and videos I have of her in my phone, in google photos etc.  Then I've been regretting it because now I have deleted all memories of her, many photos I really liked of really my first and only "girlfriend" (not even sure if I can call her that, but we had a "relationship" for 6 - 10 months).  I spent a long time crying and in pain after deleting everything about her, and I am assuming that her FB posts were just how she was feeling in that moment, or that hour.  I know her -- I know that her mood will change, unexpectedly and that she probably felt the opposite the day after.   Any thoughts on all of this would be appreciated.  I don't know how to process it.  The change of meds, the feeling of absolute devaluation and abandonment, and I can't stop thinking about her.  I feel like there is no way she is over me, even if she has this new "boyfriend" to take my place.  I feel like behind all of her manipulation she actually did/does love me.  I have no idea what to believe or feel, I just feel utterly shat on and destroyed.   Should I regret deleting all of the photos/videos?  How should I feel?  How do I interpret her "coldness"?  I remember one time she told me she was a "borderline psycho" .. maybe this means she is a borderline with psychopathic traits and can't feel empathy?  But she was "so" empathetic towards me MANY times.  I just don't get it.  What's true, and what's not?  Will I ever know?  I've lost all self confidence and esteem.  And I still have to go through domestic abuse counseling because of our quarrels, yet I feel so abused from her!  What a mind-F!

[once removed]

i want to caution you a little bit.

life coaches are a dime a dozen, but they charge a pretty penny.

they arent mental health professionals. theyre salesmen with a pitch aimed at wounded people. conveniently, she has a video warning about exactly that.

ive seen a lot of members go down this rabbit hole - and truthfully, ive seen worse - but before you make this investment, you should know there are red flags for junk psychology.

it hurt to hear and read what you heard that she wrote, understandably. personally, i recommend avoiding keeping up with what shes posting on social media. i did it myself for a while. it just sets you off, and it keeps you stuck in pain. and on some level, those shocks of pain are preferable right now to not knowing anything - it helps you feel connected. but at a certain point, you have to decide, for yourself, on a different path of letting go and grieving.

so it hurt to hear what she wrote, and you reacted. if you are regretting deleting the photos and videos, for a price, most of these things can probably be recovered.

I remember one time she told me she was a "borderline psycho"

i would not read into this as a self diagnosis. i have had a number of female peers say these things about themselves, in my life. shes saying shes a very hard person to love 

and she is, and that, ultimately, is what youre facing now. you love(d) a difficult person, complicated, and complex person. your relationship was difficult, complicated, and complex. and grieving it will be difficult, complicated, and complex.

did she love you? were you special? sure she did. sure you were. but it was complicated, and not exactly what you thought. healing is about facing the hard truth of what that means for you personally, and coming to terms with it.