Genuinely don't know what to do now

[Elsie62]

Hi all, after over 15 years since my daughter's diagnosis with BPD, I really feel that we have got to the stage where our relationship is completely severed.  She is 32 and lives in UK, I live in Fr with my 2nd husband.  She is married (5yrs) with 2 gorgeous children a 3yo and 8mth old.  Just recently she, her husband and children, her friend and her friend's child visited us in Fr.  I haven't seen them since last year when my granddaughter was born - due to Covid lockdown, so was really looking forward to their stay.  Stupid me, I should have remembered how bad it was 8 months ago and all the pain I get on skype calls because I've said the 'wrong' thing or I'm the worst parent and she 'hasn't even told me the worst of what I've done' she leaves me in tears constantly.  It didn't take 24 hrs before the caustic remarks, sniping and anger towards me began.  Her friend could see straight through it and said on the quiet that whilst my daughter is a lovely supportive friend to her, she changes towards me and acts like an immature 14 yo and will go off for a smoke on her own to brood. Interestingly my daughter repeatedly told me that she was 'losing' her 3yo to her friend as he kept asking for her and not mummy in the pool.  It just got worse during the week until they left on Monday, I'd been totally blanked in my own house, and belittled in front of friends I'd invited to meet my family over a bbq.  My friends have told me I need to distance myself from her, but I don't want to lose my gr/children.  I've had over 15 years of this, and I'm depressed, feel a lack of self worth, and do have dark thoughts. My psychiatrist told me I'll never 'win' with a bpd daughter. 
So they're back in the UK I've not heard from them...I don't have the energy or will to call her.  I've spent my life brow-beating myself and apologising to her for stuff that I genuinely don't believe happened (at least in the way she remembers it...) I'm not a perfect mum, but I never gave up on my two children (my son is 35 with ADHD but we have a good relationship) but I'm exhausted with all this aimed at me.
What can I do now? Thanks for reading x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Elsie62

I’m going through a bad patch with my adult son29. Blame game is a common thread here. It’s horrible being criticised and judged any time. When it’s persistent, it is just exhausting. Disdain hurts. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now.

It’s such a shame the visit didn’t go you as hoped and planned for. 8 months is a long time to wait to see your family and by the sounds of it your Skype calls haven’t been going too well? Did I understand that correctly? If so, an alarm bell that your daughter may have been feeling stress. Holidays and my son have always been doubly tricky, he struggles to adjust to new environments and the expectations of him by us.

she leaves me in tears constantly.  

caustic remarks, sniping and anger towards me

blanked in my own house

belittled in front of friends

I've had over 15 years of this, and I'm depressed, feel a lack of self worth, and do have dark thoughts.

It’s not surprising you feel this way.  It sounds like you’ve got caught up in a cycle of behaviour with your daughter. You can break the cycle by learning how to not react to her and this is a tool to de-escalate the situation. We protect ourselves by using emotional detachment and using better limitations and boundaries. You are responsible for only yourself, not how people react to you. This goes for your daughter too. Now, that’s not easy when somebody is saying horrible things to you. If you can learn to display the behaviours you want to see in your daughter, you may find she starts to mirror them. Remember, your daughter can’t help how she behaves, she has bpd.

My friends have told me I need to distance myself from her, but I don't want to lose my gr/children.

My psychiatrist told me I'll never 'win' with a bpd daughter.  

Some physical space is very useful to re-balance ourselves. A few days, weeks or months so we can lick our wounds and reflect on the latest drama. Reflection includes trying to see it from the others point of view. Sticking to truth and open honesty. For things to change, there has to be a change in approach. This is currently where I am...space, reflecting and hanging on. Thank you for reminding me...I can’t win. I needed to hear that.

So they're back in the UK I've not heard from them.

What can I do now?

Sounds like your daughter is giving herself some space.

You mentioned your psychiatrist. I’m glad you’ve got some support in this bumpy road of yours. Dealing with bpd is just so very hard. Be gentle with yourself, it’s time to start learning some better interaction skills and prepare yourself so you’re better armed...knowledge is power. It’s fine to take control with better limits and boundaries. Everybody here can help...dig into the stories and information available here. You’ll feel less alone, and empowered to change your situation

Hugs

LP

[Elsie62]

Thank you LP for your kind reply.  It's so difficult isn't it, as you question yourself all the time about whether you really are that nasty person... in some ways as I've looked into BPD I can see traits of it in me too (definitely when I was younger, even when my children were small) but I do think I have far fewer symptoms of it now I've got older and became aware of what's around me. 
I am going to keep the space between us now for the time being to give us all a chance to lick our wounds as I know she'll be hurting as much as I am. 
How do I learn not to react to her vitriol?  When we are on skype I sit there in a quiet desperate panic trying not to lose my temper, crying inside, wanting to run... if I don't lose my temper (and I do at times, as she's wound me up so much, and I go into complete meltdown mode) I cut the call short and cry my heart out and get so angry it's exhausting.
I don't have the psychiatrist anymore as the last appt was cancelled due to lockdown here in Fr and I've never followed up on it.  I'm still on meds though, I just need to get through this dark period and push on.
I hope the current situation between you and your son gets resolved, and peace reigns until the next time...

[Lollypop]

Hi Elsie62

How do I learn not to react to her vitriol?  

I read up on BPD here and this helped me understand a lot about behaviours. I got back to basics while I put the work in to learn how better to interact. I made it like a kind of project. Not reacting takes knowledge that they can’t help how they behave, planning and practice. I became the parent he needed not the one I thought I should be.

I tried to have very short conversations about unimportant things, staying on safe ground for both of us. My old phrase “as light as a fairy” was useful. My son is a quiet bpd so internalised his rage. By  listening, really observing his body language I could see early on in our interaction how he was feeling. This was a lot of tiny baby steps/chats. For me, I’d react when he told me something I just didn’t agree with, I’d judge him for it and often would criticise. I learnt to say little, I’d keep my mouth shut, sometimes my jaw would drop open with something he said that was completely outrageous and all I could mutter was .”oh, I see”. I can see that your daughter is like a cat on a hot tin roof with you and she bites. Not reacting de-escalates. Better interaction with empathy also de-escalates.

I felt that I needed to draw a line for both of us. So I told him I was getting help and that I was trying to do things differently. This shared understanding gave me some hope that things might be different and, I believe, he was curious - we entered into new territory.

Demonstrating better behaviours comes as a surprise to them. I’ll share a story. I have an old friend who has daughter who chose no contact with her parents. The daughter refused access, returned cards and presents etc. for 18 months. My friend was heartbroken but couldn’t see her own behaviours made her daughter edgy. The daughter was protecting herself, she learnt her life was easier. Fortunately, the son-in-law did reach out quietly now and then. Enough time and space was given for both mother and daughter to reflect, there was a bridge in the son-in-law. A family wedding occurred and the daughter announced she’d drop by for a very short visit with the children after the wedding. My friend planned “light as a fairy”, this interaction was a very important one...a tiny step in the right direction...one that had to go right. She kept to small talk, polite and genuinely warm interactions, she listened. When the daughter decided it was time to leave (an awkward time I feel, so you hug? Kiss? This is family) her jaw dropped open when her mum simply said with a smile “thank you both for coming, it’s been so lovely to see you both and the children”. What was different? My friend did not place any expectation on her daughter. The ball was in her court. My friend demonstrated how things could be...The family left on a high note.

Now Elsie62, I don’t claim to have the right answers for you. We are all different and our situations unique. I have made good progress but there are still problems. What can we do?

Like you, my own odd behaviours have lessened as I got older. I can see that interacting over a FaceTime or Skype call may be a disadvantage in some ways but it’s certainly more controllable. If your daughter says something hurtful to you, what do you think you could say to her? How can you protect yourself...and her, from it escalating?  

LP

[Elsie62]

Thanks again LP for your sound advice, and I do have a lot of reading up to do.  I'm giving the space we both need, and as I haven't heard from her I assume she's doing the same.  I've written up a little To Do list to get some order into my life 'My veg garden' 'Carrying on with my French' etc and pinned it up in the kitchen to remind me I do have a life outside this chaos!
I also read your post too LP, and considering the pain you're going through right now, appreciate it even more that you've taken time out to reply to me, so thank you x