Undiagnosed Boyfriend showing signs of BPD

[Vincy]

It has been 10 months, and the most tumultuous relationship. I will say I saw signs that things were strange early on (he was attached VERY quickly, wanted to communicate throughout the day, and other things that didn’t click ). He was very giving and sacrificial, and gifts would just be thrown my way. Things started to get worse with him not respecting my boundaries, and these meltdowns that made zero sense ( he is in the military, so I asked if we could hang out with some of his soldier friends when I came to visit that weekend just so I could meet people. He flipped out, and wanted to know why I wanted to hang out with others and not him... clearly not what I said). Very long story short, he had a meltdown at my family’s home on July 4th (we had a small gathering. The whole day everyone tried to make him feel welcomed and included. He was fine until my brother’s best friend came. He wouldn’t speak more than one word answers to anyone, and later that night, got upset to the point of wanting to leave because he stated I was speaking to this guy friend all day. Not true. My mother refused for me to leave with him, and told him to leave on his own. He wouldn’t calm down no matter how much I tried to get him to, and it turned into a screaming match between him and my brother. We ended up kicking him out (he didn’t want to leave without me). I felt terrible because I was his ride and he didn’t know where he was, but his behavior was so scary that no parent would allow their child to leave with someone like that. It was a mess). We spoke after this incident, and I was furious by what he did. I told him he needed to go to therapy. He was seemingly remorseful, and checked himself into this 5 week therapy program on base. For 5 weeks I tried to be there for him while keeping and emotional distance to make sure he took the treatment seriously and dealt with his emotional instability. At the end of the 5 weeks, he all the sudden changed. He became mean, and so not like he was before. He disappeared on me for a whole week after being distant for about two weeks before that. He came back and stated it was because he felt hurt that I didn’t have his back with my family, and the fact that they haven’t called him back when he reached out to apologize. he feels as if I choose them over him. Not true, but he can’t wrap his mind around how scary his behavior was at the party, and why I couldn’t leave with him. I’m soo confused by all of this, and after doing tons of research, I believe he has BPD. His childhood was not a good one, and there has been immense trauma and abuse ( he barely speaks to his family). We are speaking now and we love each other, and I’m just trying to figure out if this is worth fighting for. He started opening up about the ways he felt hurt in the relationship, which is good, and one thing he didn’t do before. I’m not perfect, and always willing to hear how my behavior is hurting him so we could work on making things better. I’m aware that with BPD, things are always someone else’s fault, and I can’t be in that kind of relationship where both partners can’t work to make things better. Please help with any advice

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