Is there realistic hope for a healthy relationship, or am I just fooling myself?

[Abazaba]

I'm 31 and so is my fiancé. We've been together 6 years and our wedding plans got put on hold due to COVID. We moved in together in March but things got so, so intense that I couldn't take it anymore. What started as me asking to go to couple's counseling spiraled out of control into a total breakup, him forcing me to move out, etc. It was then that I started therapy myself and learned about BPD.

The things I was dealing with: hypercritical of my clothing, hair and makeup. Almost daily moods going up and down related to work stress, adjusting to living together, him getting very extremely into his hypochondriasis and expecting me to absolutely constantly reassure him over minor cuts and scrapes. If I didn't reassure enough, I didn't care. If I reassured him,I didn't phrase the reassurance correctly. If I phrased it correctly, it wasn't genuine enough. If I didn't reassure him about the same cut with the same enthusiasm the 8th time around, I didn't care about him.

It's been 2.5 months since we separated. During that time, he completely spiraled out of control and essentially had a mini mental breakdown. I've been called every single name in the book (which he has never done before), I've been told I'm evil, ruined his life, etc. Now, he has started to calm down and is being more loving to me. Still, he says this entire situation was my fault and that I messed up by "leaving him," and he's glad that for once, he is not the one to blame. He goes back and forth between this and admitting that he needs to work on himself too.

It didn't help that he was doing therapy with someone who did not have experience with BPD and completely destroyed him to the point that he cut off all of his friends, his mom, his family, etc. He fired the therapist a few weeks ago but I don't know if he is seeing someone else now. He doesn't know about BPD, but his mom does and apparently is trying to get him to see someone who specializes.

He is now being sweeter, but just today he called me 7 times to talk to me about different physical symptoms he's having - headache, a bump under his tongue, throat soreness, a cut on his finger, and now he thinks his tooth is loose. Each and every time, I did the best I could to reassure him that he is ok. I was feeling sick myself today and busy with work. So, the last time I guess I didn't sound enthusiastic and he said "see you don't even care, you sound so burdened and uninterested" and hung up on me saying we'll never work. He has told me over the past few weeks that he needs me to be a "caretaker," and honestly...I am too scared to poke the bear by even asking what he means by that.

He is now saying he wants to think about this for another couple weeks and let me know if HE wants to get back together. There is still no acknowledgment of his role and for fear of him hurting himself or totally losing it, I am scared to say a word. At the same time, I absolutely cannot figure out if this is worth putting in the time and work to fix, or if I should somehow (and I have no clue how) move on. I've been in therapy myself for 2 months but I honestly don't feel that it has helped me much in any way. Maybe I need a new therapist.

I just don't know how to navigate this. I think he is open to therapy, but I don't know how helpful that will be and realistically, what kind of a life I will be looking at. Please help.

[Cat Familiar]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."  Maya Angelou

BPD is a disorder that manifests more acutely in intimate relationships. You moved in together and thus, saw a deeper look into your fiancé.

Should you get married, this is the person you will be living with. So many people enter into these relationships with unrealistic hopes and expectations. Or they believe it's possible to do a major remodel on someone else's personality.

You've seen an intimate dive into who he is, and therefore your decision is based on whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with him, as he is, not as could possibly be.

You say you're scared to say a word about how uncomfortable you feel about him evicting you and his hypochondria, due to "fear of him hurting himself or totally losing it."

How has what you've observed so far made you feel about marrying him?

[Abazaba]

Thanks for the reply. It's made me extremely scared. I am worried that I'm potentially ruining my whole life. Honestly, I am scared on the one hand that I'm ruining my whole life by throwing the relationship and 6 years away and that I will regret it. On the other hand, I am afraid that I'm sentencing myself to a life of doom.

I see so much conflicting information on the outlook for BPD that I don't know if my fears are founded, or if I'm exaggerating and making things worse than they really are...I am very lost and confused.

[formflier]

I see so much conflicting information on the outlook for BPD 

Please step back and look at this again.

If left untreated, is there really much conflicting information on how a pwBPD will go through life?

Where I will agree with you there is conflicting information is when people get treatment.  How dedicated are they to this?  Do they own their part in this?  etc etc


Is it possible for you to take a month off from the relationship (or whatever you are doing now) and focus on your therapy.?  Then see how you feel about contacting him again.

Best,

FF

[Abazaba]

I’ve been going back and forth each and every day about leaving. One minute I’m sure i want to leave. The next I’m sure I want to stay. However...I’ve begun leaning more and more towards leaving.

I can’t handle the unpredictability anymore. I can’t handle being told he loves me one minute and hates me the next. My problem is sticking to leaving. I don’t know how to stop flip flopping.

[formflier]

  I don’t know how to stop flip flopping.

Some people decide no contact is the best way to handle this.

That way they don't expose themselves to the "pull" of love bombing.

Best,

FF