Stalling, feeling trapped

[SamwizeGamgee]

Greetings everyone.  I hope that all is well with you.

I have been separated. living together (same house) with STBX for a long time. I'm frustrated by a lack of progress towards divorce, and wanted to talk here before I talk to my lawyer at $350 per hour.  A situation I bet lots of us find ourselves.  :-)
 
We had family counseling earlier this year.  We used it to make the parenting plan.  As I knew, we would hit a few sticking points, her "no-go" issues.  Nevertheless, we had most of it with points we agreed on.  The main point for me was agreeing to joint legal and physical, with custody rotating weekly 50/50. We agree on that.  I wish I could just cash-out my chips now.

Unfortunately, we didn't get the parenting agreement finalized. That part is okay, because, I understand STBX wants a global settlement, all the finances and assets included.  I'd rather have a free-standing parenting plan done ahead of time since STBX will, predictably, keep going in circles as the settlement process continues. One desire here, will affect her answer there, and so forth.

Now that we are doing the financial negotiations, and they aren't really negotiations, she seems to be in a never ending status of entitlement, and being suspicious to the point of paranoid.  And then, she's asking for more and more in discovery, meanwhile not offering her own.  She's asking for temp spousal support and child support even though she's been living at home - with all expenses paid by me. Long story short, it seems I'm in a never-ending cycle.  I feel like we are not getting anywhere, avoiding the tough no-go issues and questions. Meanwhile, the suffering of living in this never-ending limbo is taking a toll.

My situation seems full of catch-22s.

I live in a fairly conservative, old -school jurisdiction.  To me, that means the family court still will favor mom in a divorce.  The local attorneys tell me that the court doesn't like 50/50.  They believe the kids do better with one parent or the other (generally meaning Mom, though sometimes dad gets majority).

If I move out of the house, that would, essentially, be show the court I don't value the kids. Not to mention give the wife a paid -for house, the kids, and no incentive to do anything else.

If I file for divorce, that would prompt her to file for getting the house and kids (as the consummate victim / SAHM) , and probably lead to a very large spousal support payment.  We've been married so long, that lifetime alimony is a real risk (although that seems very negotiable, fortunately).   Me filing for divorce will also be STBX's crown jewel for blaming me in front of the kids. 

If I don't file for divorce, and continue trying to negotiate, mediate, or wait, I will end up waiting anyway - and suffering - endlessly. 

If I don't explain crazy-making and abusive behavior, no one understands or believes my situation, or the peril for the kids' emotional wellness.  If I do explain crazy, I start to sound like the blaming, crazy, abusive, controlling husband.

I could file for custody separately, but, like filing divorce, it would light a fire under the wife, and prompt her to file divorce, appear the victim, get awarded an untenable child support award, or alimony, etc.  It could also cause her to act-out with more legal abuse, filing for divorce, getting custody, me getting kicked out of the house (using a myriad of approaches). Plus, as with any of the court filings, it's not necessarily an assurance that anything will get done, and certainly not faster than coming up with a settlement. Court posturing and processes could make this take a much longer time. I think a popular notion is that by filing in court, or even getting a lawyer, then something would happen.  I want to feel like I'm deciding and doing something.  I also want to feel like the $3,300 I spent so far in legal fees would have meant more.  I have a stream of emails with STBX, an unsigned and unsettled parenting agreement, and increasing requests for records in discovery.

I know I feel like I'm stuck.  At least I'm not stuck undecided.  I accept also that I can't control most of the above cause and effects.  I also don't really know what would happen if I did one thing or another.  I am feeling so stuck though.  Not really stuck for my own fault, just not moving.  Like staying married for fear of losing contact with the kids. Now that I've decided to divorce, I thought that things would happen.  They aren't, except that I'm slowly sinking into the quicksand of friendly separation and mediated divorce, to petty, antagonistic and long divorce litigation. 

I'm going to re-read Splitting to look for advice.  I'm trying to keep things constructive with STBX, but, I also just want to have it out and over with - ugly or not.

[scraps66]

So much to comment on here.  Easiest way for me is to compare to my case and note what I should have done differently.

Short marriage, 47 months, two children the first after no more than four months together, "I forgot to take my birth control."

It was bad, the abuse in front of the kids.  I file for divorce.  We live together but are "separated" for a year.  At the end of that year exNPDBPDw would find work as a teacher.  At that point ex filed for "exclusive possession of the martial residence."  I got kicked out.  The judge's rationalization, though ex's mother lived five minutes from our house and she could have easily moved in with her if the sitch was as "intolerable" as she claimed, since Mr. Scraps you filed for this divorce, you should then be prepared to move out...and "move things along."  So I did move out, paid the mortgage on the marital residence, eventually ex would have her new beaux move in as well, and she ground things to a halt.  This went on for 19 months. 

So first lesson - don't let your attorney leave things without movement.  My attorney at the time gave me advice to just "wait and see."  That got me kicked out of the house and created a $30,000 expense.  And gave ex control.

Now looking back, I opted for 50/50 because I thought I could fairly easily get it.  I did.  It has been hell ever since.  Ex agreed to 50/50 knowing she was going to do what she wanted when she wanted despite any shared parenting agreement or better yet whatever I said.  This is how it played out.

Lesson 2, ask for more custody than you think you can get or support.  Had I gone for full custody from the start there would have been no getting around putting everything out on the table.  There would have been a custody evaluation, there would have been psychological evaluations, etc.  This would have provided the opportunity for me to present all of the damning documentation I had collected along the line of ex's adult and parenting behaviors.  Instead what I got was a botched psych eval for ex that haunts me to this day.

So if you feel STBX is a threat to the children, file for full custody.  My courthouse, the default verdict is 50/50 shared parenting.  It is a reflection on the incompetence in the courthouse, the incapability of personnel to evaluate custody credibly and it reduces the possibilities of appeals which looks bad for Judges. 



 

[SamwizeGamgee]

Your comments are appreciated.  There are so many ways to mess this up!  ;)

I really just want to get to next year, when hopefully the worst part of separation and divorce is over - which I tend to think is the actual separation.  Once we are both in different houses, it will be much easier to manage stress, mental health, and even legal strategy. 

The risk is also that as dad in a, shall we say "non-progressive," county is that I'll lose so much of the kids. Bitter irony that the only reason I am pursuing divorce is to preserve my parenting role. Then divorce takes that away.

Yup - broken family court system.

[worriedStepmom]

What does your lawyer recommend?

There are ways your lawyer can try to move things along.  No more one-sided flow of information.  Get all your discovery together and offer an exchange - you give her yours at the same time she provides hers. 

Can you put the house up for sale - or threaten to do so on X date, if there's no progress?  Then you can both get new homes? 

Is there a way to get her to agree to file the parenting plan for short-term (this is what we'll do for the next 6 months while we wait to finalize everything else), so that you can move out with the kids and not be seen as abandoning them?

What happens if you move out with the kids (would they go)?