In the middle of a Divorce from BPD ex husband

[Belen]

Hello,

I am in the middle of divorcing a BPD male and share 50/50 custody of our two children. He has began a campaign against me telling our kids I am taking all of our money and I will lose our home and we will all be broke. All of this is completely untrue as we have plenty of money and own our home. I feel alone and feel many of those in my life, including my lawyer, do not acknowledge or understand that he in fact has a mental illness. I am exhausted and have spent over $30k in legal fees trying to divorce him.

[ForeverDad]

Your disordered stbEx (soon-to-be-Ex) can claim the moon is made of cheese but that doesn't make it so.  If he's trying to sway the kids, then remember the kids should not be put in the middle of adult matters.  Divorce does impact the kids but it is still an adult matter.

How do you consider your lawyer?  Is he or she mostly a form filer and hand holder?  Or is he/she experienced in court, proactive and full of practical strategies even in our sort of intractable cases?  Selection of a lawyer is a major topic in William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It is one of our most essential handbooks here.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Hi Belen.
Welcome to the family ;)
I am sorry you are going through this.  I believe there is some hope for a good outcome after what you are going through.  Keep in mind that you did not cause your H's behavior.  You can't cure it.  You can't control it.  He's going to say what he is going to say.  Almost no court order will prevent that.  He won't get better all by himself.  I am sorry to say that, in my experience, there are very few people you will talk to who will get it.  

I've been the target parent in a marriage in which I've been subtly, even subconsciously, bad-mouthed, undermined, and blamed by my STBX wife.  She means well, and can't' help herself, but, the kids have heard a lot. Trying to explain crazy and abusive behaviors this subtle usually leave me sounding like a paranoid, delusional, nut job, if not the controlling abuser. Most of everyone just doesn't get it.  
 
However, I see hope, since you have 50/50 custody.  I have read that one of the best vaccinations for parental alienation, influencing the kids, and programming them away from one parent, is time.  Time with the targeted parent.  In this case, you spending time with the kids in your own healthy world, of your creation, will give the kids at least a moment away from dad's badmouthing.  Eventually, they will have to realize and decide.  This isn't a guarantee that the kids will all "see the light," as sadly, there's a chance they side with the abuser (actually common for kids to side with the parent they fear the most - out of self-preservation). But, making your own healthy self known to the kids will be the best medicine.

Best wishes.  I feel your hurt. Keep on going, and be the best you.

[worriedStepmom]

Hi Belen.

Are you still living together as you wait for the divorce to become final?  How old are your kids?

Do the kids come to you and tell you that Dad says these things, or do you hear them directly from him?