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Author Topic: My mother ( BPD), is no longer speaking to me  (Read 406 times)
Surviving 2020
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 2


« on: September 06, 2020, 11:15:19 AM »

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post) My mother saw me comment on a FB post made by my best friend a week ago. My mother, along with my entire family, are Trump supporters, and my bestie and I are not. I simply agreed with her post that "white privilege" is real, and my mother went crazy and attacked me over text message. She did this without any sort of conversation, rational or otherwise, and sent it to me while I was at work. My mother is a retired, widow. She sent a multi-paragraph text telling me that I am hate filled, classless, and she would like for me to unfriend every member of "her" family. She then went on to tell me how offended she was by my friend's post, and that she had decided not to vote this year, but just for that post, she is now voting for Trump. Because I was at work and was in complete shock and in no position to get into a back and forth, I simply responded.   " wow, thanks for letting me know how you really feel about me. I had no idea that I was a hate-filled, classless, embarrassment to our family. " She then responded " I knew you would respond that way. I'm the one that's sorry!" She hasn't spoken to me since. We usually speak every day and are very close. My heart is broken. Thanks for reading.
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Living Life

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married, 50+ years
Posts: 43



« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2020, 01:06:56 PM »

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially at work. I know how it makes you feel and how upsetting it is.

I found with my mother, the easiest action was not to respond. I would ignore the rant on whatever egregious topic she had chosen. Whether she was screaming at me face to face or on the phone, I disengaged. It appeared the game was to get a reaction and then she could really have a satisfying huge fight. Then in talking with her several days later, it was like whatever it was had never happened. However, it creates a huge amount of personal pain to do that. The result: when my elderly mother passed away a few years ago, I had no grief over her death. And that is a sad story.
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Methuen
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1731


« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2020, 04:38:07 PM »

I wish to echo Living Life's thoughts.

Do you see it as a possibility to leave her toxic text (to you at work) completely unanswered?

I believe that any reply you give to a text like that will fan the flames, create a bigger fire, and thus escalate the situation.  This is exactly the kind of drama that feeds their BPD.  It's just a part of the disease.  You will NEVER "win" one of these exchanges, because a BPD does not play fair.  It will ALWAYS get twisted to be your fault...

You are thinking rationally.  She is not.  It is not possible to have a real conversation with an irrational person.

Sometimes, silence is golden.  It also gives them a chance to self-sooth their emotions. Let the thing blow over, and the fire go out on it's own.  Fire can't burn if there's no fuel.

Otherwise, we are contributing to the problem and the toxic relationship, if that makes sense.

As the adult in the relationship, it's kind of incumbent on us to be the responsible one.  The emotions of a pwBPD are more child-like, and they simply aren't capable of mature regulated emotions.

These are the conclusions I came to when working through my own situation.  It's been a learning process. But everybody's situation is different.

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Methuen
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« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2020, 06:14:18 PM »

My last session timed out, so here's the rest of my post With affection (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
" She then responded " I knew you would respond that way. I'm the one that's sorry!"
Classic, just classic. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  It's always twisted to be your fault.

Excerpt
She hasn't spoken to me since. We usually speak every day and are very close. My heart is broken.

Are you familiar with FOG?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Moving forward from here, let her have some "alone" time to calm down (self-soothe).  If that is uncomfortable for you, it's ok, just sit with that feeling for now.

I would suggest giving her a week, two weeks, whatever, and then you could reach out and invite her out for a coffee (if you live in the same town), or, send a text about something completely unrelated, and pretend like this thing never happened. Don't even mention it.  In the mean time, during this "quiet time" you can also get back to your own "baseline".  

I used to think of it as taking a holiday from my mom. Could that work for you? And tell yourself "it's going to be OK".  This too will blow over.  If it doesn't "feel" like that for you right now, all the more reason to find your own "calm" before re-engaging with her.  If you are feeling panicky, it's really important to take care of yourself, indulge in some "self care", and get back into a healthy "feeling" zone, before re-engaging with your mom.

If she brings this "thing" up, try using SET:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

We've got your back.  You can do this. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Surviving 2020
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
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« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2020, 08:19:40 PM »

I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my message and respond with such heartfelt, genuine advice. I shouldn't have even responded, but, too late to un-do it. I an new to this, so, I apologize for not knowing how to respond to each of you individually.

I have not heard of FOG or SET before, so I will research what those are tonight.

Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

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berlem

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2020, 09:18:06 PM »

I've learned to not respond anymore. Actually, I deleted my FB because there is so much hate, lies and conspiracy theories. 2016 was a sad and very hard lesson to learn about my family and friends. I now only talk with them if absolutely necessary. My BPD mother messaged me some conspiracy theory going around about fauci. My only response was to laugh. Then I finally deleted FB. I've had enough. I'm only on twitter now
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GeekyGirl
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2020, 09:43:07 AM »

Hi Surviving 2020,

That is tough. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

This has been a very emotionally charged year for politics, and some families not affected by BPD are having having issues finding common ground. SET is a great tool and can really help to resolve conflict. It's also helpful to set some boundaries, especially when politics or heated topics are involved.

How are things with your mom this week? How are you doing?
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2020, 05:25:34 AM »

Hello Surviving 2020-
I understand this is tough, and hope you are doing better.

I have been disowned, stopped being spoken to, and then after some time, my mother contacts me as if nothing has happened.

It's often been a large reaction to some slight and it seems the "punishment" is way out of proportion than the actual "crime". In fact, the "crime" could vary from  accidentally dropping a towel on the floor to saying something hurtful to her but the result is that whatever it is, it's the crime of the century.

What actually happened on FB- from your mother's point of view? If a person has poor boundaries ( pwBPD do), they don't know where they stop and another person begins. Parents with BPD often see their children as extensions of themselves, not separate individuals with minds of their own. When you expressed a different political view than her - this felt like a violation to her.

Your mother likely has difficulty managing her feelings and to her she felt like she was being attacked and she reacted in an exagerated manner. Also to stop her difficult feelings, she takes action to get you back in line- to think and act like her.

A big key to coping with this is to realize it's not about you. It's her maladaptive ways of coping with her own internal distress. It's likely that when she calms down, she will assume it's over and act accordingly.

You are your own person and if you are old enough to vote- it's your choice to vote for who you want. Same with your mother. You don't have to agree. She may not like it but that's not her vote to control. If she chooses to stop speaking to you, it's her decision, but take care of yourself and try not to take it personally.
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