Ready to give up

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have recently married someone that I have known since the 4th grade. We have been married for 2 months. During our dating time she showed signs that something might be wrong but it wasn't very often and it wasn't to intense. My loneliness and desire for companionship after a failed marriage of 36 years, caused me to believe it was normal behavior and friends said "no ones perfect". I continued to move forward in the relationship hoping things might improve after we were married. She had been single for over 15 years and desperately wanting to be with me. She spoke so much about how things were for us when we were kids in grade school, Jr high and high school. She would even pull out year books showing pictures and what we had written. It seemed to good to be true! She was so convinced that this was God at work. However 40 years have passed and there's been a lot of issues in her life. She began to tell me of terrible traumatic events in her life including the early death of her only daughter at the age of 26 due to a eating disorder, that she had 2 failed marriages and 6 failed engagements and lots and lots of "bad dating" experiences. including a date rape. I felt empathy for her, remembering our school days and how much she had been through since then. As time went on her mood changes began to become more prevalent. I even broke it off twice. Although she spoke of how much she loved me, she seemed bent on pushing me away. Her rants became personal attacks. During the second brake up I struggled with loneliness and not having her around. In my loneliness I decided to give it another try after promises from her that things could be good. 2 months later we married. On the second day of our honeymoon it started again but much worse then before. She was extremely angry with me because I was standing in line at a store next to a young woman. When we got to the car her face and demeanor changed dramatically and she began her assaults. It ruined our honeymoon as she brooded the rest of the time and continued to be critical reminding me of the incident. It's been 2 months of marriage and its just about every day now. She doesn't seem to be able to see what she's doing. It's all my fault, she says. However, there were to "clear moments" in the last 2 months where she expressed gratitude for staying with her despite her "issue". After the wedding the episodes started once a week, progressed to 3 or 4 days but now almost daily attacks for just about any cause and her behavior is text book. A week after we were married she slapped me 3 times. I left for a few hours and she went on a rampage calling excessively and trying to find me. When I returned I told her if she hit again I would leave for good. So far she hasn't. The last few days have been very rough. I haven't slept much and she's getting even worse. One moment shes crazy in love with me and affectionate and the next its like I'm her worse enemy.  I don't think I can take this much more. My sisters and close friends are encouraging me to end the marriage and I think I'm ready.But I know she will refuse to leave! Its my condo but she has taken ownership of it and also my life. I can't do anything by myself without her ranting that I don't love her or worse. When she's in her "mood" she uses horrible profanity at me. No one has ever talked to me like this. I'm a 59 year old self assured likable man, wanting to settle down and have a peaceful life.  But she has reduced my life to fear, fear of what she might do next. I fear sleeping not knowing what she might do while I'm sleeping. I find myself catering to her demands just to pacify her so that she will calm down but it only empowers her more. It feels like she's trying to make me crazy by her way of turning the situation around on me. I'm "walking on eggshells" all the time now and don't look forward to getting home, relaxing, because it's just not possible.

[A.J.]

I have recently married someone that I have known since the 4th grade. We have been married for 2 months. During our dating time she showed signs that something might be wrong but it wasn't very often and it wasn't to intense. My loneliness and desire for companionship after a failed marriage of 36 years, caused me to believe it was normal behavior and friends said "no ones perfect". I continued to move forward in the relationship hoping things might improve after we were married. She had been single for over 15 years and desperately wanting to be with me. She spoke so much about how things were for us when we were kids in grade school, Jr high and high school. She would even pull out year books showing pictures and what we had written. It seemed to good to be true! She was so convinced that this was God at work. However 40 years have passed and there's been a lot of issues in her life. She began to tell me of terrible traumatic events in her life including the early death of her only daughter at the age of 26 due to a eating disorder, that she had 2 failed marriages and 6 failed engagements and lots and lots of "bad dating" experiences. including a date rape. I felt empathy for her, remembering our school days and how much she had been through since then. As time went on her mood changes began to become more prevalent. I even broke it off twice. Although she spoke of how much she loved me, she seemed bent on pushing me away. Her rants became personal attacks. During the second brake up I struggled with loneliness and not having her around. In my loneliness I decided to give it another try after promises from her that things could be good. 2 months later we married. On the second day of our honeymoon it started again but much worse then before. She was extremely angry with me because I was standing in line at a store next to a young woman. When we got to the car her face and demeanor changed dramatically and she began her assaults. It ruined our honeymoon as she brooded the rest of the time and continued to be critical reminding me of the incident. It's been 2 months of marriage and its just about every day now. She doesn't seem to be able to see what she's doing. It's all my fault, she says. However, there were to "clear moments" in the last 2 months where she expressed gratitude for staying with her despite her "issue". After the wedding the episodes started once a week, progressed to 3 or 4 days but now almost daily attacks for just about any cause and her behavior is text book. A week after we were married she slapped me 3 times. I left for a few hours and she went on a rampage calling excessively and trying to find me. When I returned I told her if she hit again I would leave for good. So far she hasn't. The last few days have been very rough. I haven't slept much and she's getting even worse. One moment shes crazy in love with me and affectionate and the next its like I'm her worse enemy.  I don't think I can take this much more. My sisters and close friends are encouraging me to end the marriage and I think I'm ready.But I know she will refuse to leave! Its my condo but she has taken ownership of it and also my life. I can't do anything by myself without her ranting that I don't love her or worse. When she's in her "mood" she uses horrible profanity at me. No one has ever talked to me like this. I'm a 59 year old self assured likable man, wanting to settle down and have a peaceful life.  But she has reduced my life to fear, fear of what she might do next. I fear sleeping not knowing what she might do while I'm sleeping. I find myself catering to her demands just to pacify her so that she will calm down but it only empowers her more. It feels like she's trying to make me crazy by her way of turning the situation around on me. I'm "walking on eggshells" all the time now and don't look forward to getting home, relaxing, because it's just not possible.

[ForeverDad]

Although she spoke of how much she loved me, she seemed bent on pushing me away.

Have you read the book, "I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!" by a recovered pwBPD?

On the second day of our honeymoon it started again but much worse then before. She was extremely angry with me because I was standing in line at a store next to a young woman.

Likely it got worse then because you had just become obligated to her through the marriage.  In other words, she considered you stuck with her.

I recall an instance when I was stopped at a traffic light and and older lady walked in front of us in the crosswalk.  My then-spouse got so upset.  It got to the point that I automatically avoid looking at women, of any age.

My sisters and close friends are encouraging me to end the marriage and I think I'm ready.But I know she will refuse to leave! Its my condo but she has taken ownership of it and also my life.

Will it get any easier to end the marriage if you wait?  Okay, that a rhetorical question.  But I ask because you find it hard to admit taking the pain of action now could be better than living years of pain and then finding it even harder then to end it.  I would imagine seeking a divorce or some sort of annulment or dissolution would be much simpler after two months than at a future time when your finances would have become even more entangled and your will power and joy of life sapped even more.

Pain now or even more pain later?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I make every effort to never tell someone what they should do, but I often fall into saying what I would do in that situation.  

She has already told you - and shown you - and proved to you - who she _is_.  

Not sometimes, not rarely, and for no other reason, you know who she is.  That's not for you to change.  

You can only decide how to respond. How are you going to take care of you?

Two months marriage is an easy annulment.  No brainer.  I would run not walk.  

[worriedStepmom]

You can consult with an attorney to find out your options without making a commitment to actually do anything.

It's better to have information as you decide what you want to do next.

You might also look into seeing a therapist for yourself.  It has to be really stressful to be dealing with all of this now - both the abuse and the disappointment that she isn't the woman you thought she was.