How they justify things...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, I've been painted black and we're in a NC period that is at a few months now. She's not diagnosed and I'm just thinking over some of the things that happened to get a handle on all of it and I wanted to share a few things.

When I first met her, we had/have very different political beliefs and I had a job on a very big campaign which I ended up leaving once everything happened, for the sake of my own sanity.

Anyways, our first and only talk about it, I made it clear that it wasn't going to be an issue because it just didn't matter that much to me. It was a job and that sucked any of the belief and activism out of it. She agreed and it never came up again, over the course of months and months.

Fast forward, and unrelated to anything that had gone on, or led to her being triggered, she used my "beliefs" as justification for how she was treating me, suggesting I lived a privileged life, which is very much the opposite, especially compared to her, and that there was no way someone like me could be of any value to her.

My reaction to this was obviously not good; she then used my emotional reaction as justification for why it wouldn't work, even if we worked on things. And that was even more wild, because none of it made any sense. I had every right to be upset and she decided I did not.

Justification is everything; they'll do anything to make their "beliefs" into reality.

[LighthousePoint]

So, I've been painted black and we're in a NC period that is at a few months now. She's not diagnosed and I'm just thinking over some of the things that happened to get a handle on all of it and I wanted to share a few things.

When I first met her, we had/have very different political beliefs and I had a job on a very big campaign which I ended up leaving once everything happened, for the sake of my own sanity.

Anyways, our first and only talk about it, I made it clear that it wasn't going to be an issue because it just didn't matter that much to me. It was a job and that sucked any of the belief and activism out of it. She agreed and it never came up again, over the course of months and months.

Fast forward, and unrelated to anything that had gone on, or led to her being triggered, she used my "beliefs" as justification for how she was treating me, suggesting I lived a privileged life, which is very much the opposite, especially compared to her, and that there was no way someone like me could be of any value to her.

My reaction to this was obviously not good; she then used my emotional reaction as justification for why it wouldn't work, even if we worked on things. And that was even more wild, because none of it made any sense. I had every right to be upset and she decided I did not.

Justification is everything; they'll do anything to make their "beliefs" into reality.

[formflier]

Yep...for them feelings often equals "facts". 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=283178.0

There are many more similar threads to the one I posted.  So...don't take it personally, it's "just what they do."

What do you plan on doing for the relationship going forward? 

Best,

FF

[LighthousePoint]

I'm not sure to be honest. This NC period has been pretty difficult, but it's getting easier.

I'm not in bed all day at this point and have been pretty productive for a month now.

I just find myself waiting for her to say hello and seem like she was, instead like she has been. I feel like she's out there right now, embarrassed by how she acted, embarrassed she told people things that weren't true, so she thinks I don't want her to contact me, which isn't true, but the unreality she's created is the one that is easiest for her to exist in, even if it involves shame.

I wish things were different, but I'm not going to hold my breath for anything and it either will come to fruition or it wont.

I think what bothers me the most and it seems to be the norm, is that there is no closure. My saving grace, between her sister saying, "Hey, it's not you, it's this" and me finding this website have been everything. I'm not sure where I'd be without those two things.

[formflier]

I think what bothers me the most and it seems to be the norm, is that there is no closure. 

What would closure look like?

That quote seems to be a common thought.

Best,

FF

[LighthousePoint]

Good question. I think the root of the whole thing is that I'm still in love with who I thought she was because she may actually be that person some of the time.

Without her sister spelling out that she absolutely splits on people, seems like she's viewing things from a perspective that isn't reality, and has done this before, I'd be in a world of trouble with no answers. Maybe that's all the closure I deserve, as it's all I'm really going to get.

I think things being as they are, may be the only way to get over it. If we "talked" and she seemed to be understanding, I'd run back and after going through what I went through; where I was being honest and open and she didn't seem to be on the same planet, much less the same person, I just don't think there's anything more to get in terms of closure.

Closure may very well be getting to where I never think about this again and I'm just not sure when that will ever happen.

[once removed]

My reaction to this was obviously not good; she then used my emotional reaction as justification for why it wouldn't work, even if we worked on things. And that was even more wild, because none of it made any sense. I had every right to be upset and she decided I did not.

what happened?