Haven’t seen or spoken with S5 in nearly a month Part 2

[JNChell]

This thread was split from this discussion:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345907.30

Crispy Waffle, I’m sorry that I couldn’t respond last night. I was emotionally done for the day. I’d like to start by saying that you have a lot to add here. This is how we operate within this community. Your input is important. Experts are part of this community. All of our interactions dictate bigger things.

Everything you said is true. I have a very hard time keeping myself in bounds with her. I try to justify it because I’m fighting for my Son. Also, I have so much resentment towards her that I obviously haven’t been able to let go of up to this point. She’s taken so much and can’t see it. I’m still dealing with my childhood and she hi jacked it. The one thing that I really needed to keep and work out, she took. I’m not trying to play victim here. It is what it is.

Your friend gave you great advice. Coming out of isolation myself, I’m finding great rewards. My true circle of friends are here for me. It’s so hard to ask for help, but I’m learning how to do that. It just feels so foreign.

It is very hard to control what I say. I know the logic between what is right and wrong for our boy. I miss him so much. She has to control the situation. Even to the point of he and I not seeing each other. I don’t understand it all. I would never do that to him. He loves his mom. That’s a big thing to take away from a child.

My behavior has been bad, and I’m glad to read your message. She won’t be able to demonstrate her behavior.

[Crispy Waffle]

Hey, that's what we tell members who worry if they really are the ones with BPD...
Borderlines don't generally reflect on their own behavior and wonder if they're the problem

Exactamundo!

JNChell, I don't know what baggage you may have (we all have it). But it's worth getting a good therapist to work through all of this, and more importantly take the time to understand what you do bring to all of this. One thing I did was to reach out to people that I'd had various fallings out with, some big, some small, and apologize. It was cathartic and healing. One person responded that lightening one's baggage makes the journey ahead easier. Indeed.

I told my therapist last week that I felt like I was wasting my time going down the rabbit hole on all this BPD stuff, rather than working on me. But she pointed out that I am working on myself by both understanding BPD/my wife, and thus being able to tease out what was me and what was her in all of this. I'm not blameless, but I now have a clearer picture of what I do own (need to own) in all of this. I even questioned myself if I was the one with BPD (of course my wife said I was). But it doesn't fit. And again, the fact that we sit here trying to figure this out, being introspective and contemplating if we are BPD/NPD largely rules that out, even if we may have some traits of either PD.

Keep working at it, and specifically keep working on yourself to a) not beat yourself up, b) allow yourself to see and own your issues, and c) actively commit to changing those things that are a roadblocks to your progress. I've found it's a lot more difficult to deny them, than to simply accept them and empower yourself to be a better person. Speaking for myself, shame can be toxic. I had it from my own childhood, and my wife exploited that. Despite this being an incredibly hard and emotionally damaging situation, I actually feel better about myself in so many ways as a result of all of this.

[JNChell]

Thank you, Crispy Waffle.

[Crispy Waffle]

Crispy Waffle, I’m sorry that I couldn’t respond last night. I was emotionally done for the day. I’d like to start by saying that you have a lot to add here. This is how we operate within this community. Your input is important. Experts are part of this community. All of our interactions dictate bigger things.

Everything you said is true. I have a very hard time keeping myself in bounds with her. I try to justify it because I’m fighting for my Son. Also, I have so much resentment towards her that I obviously haven’t been able to let go of up to this point. She’s taken so much and can’t see it. I’m still dealing with my childhood and she hi jacked it. The one thing that I really needed to keep and work out, she took. I’m not trying to play victim here. It is what it is.

Your friend gave you great advice. Coming out of isolation myself, I’m finding great rewards. My true circle of friends are here for me. It’s so hard to ask for help, but I’m learning how to do that. It just feels so foreign.

It is very hard to control what I say. I know the logic between what is right and wrong for our boy. I miss him so much. She has to control the situation. Even to the point of he and I not seeing each other. I don’t understand it all. I would never do that to him. He loves his mom. That’s a big thing to take away from a child.

My behavior has been bad, and I’m glad to read your message. She won’t be able to demonstrate her behavior.

JNChell, I really feel for you, perhaps because I can totally relate to everything you said. As I noted in my later response, my wife exploited my weakness resulting from my own messy childhood. And in a perverse irony, her co-dependent traits and the fact that she is a counselor herself led her to try to "rescue" me, but I wasn't the compliant little puppet she needed. I couldn't/wouldn't "change into the illusion of who she wanted me to be" (her words). My response was "I didn't need help, I needed a partner".

One other piece of advice from my friend was to find a way to use this to help others. I came here looking for help, but if any of what I have learned/am learning is of value to others, then I couldn't find something more purposeful in life. I am no expert, by a long stretch...but I have learned a metric $hit-ton about myself, my family, and "stuff" over the last few months. It is really hard to change what has been hardwired into you over decades (I'm 51). But I'm finding it isn't impossible. Start with small things that are easy wins and build momentum. Write things down, make lists, journal your thoughts (on paper in the old fashioned analog fashion).

One positive in your situation is that your son is young enough that you still have some time to strengthen your relationship with him. Granted, it will be tough with her meddling, but if need be make sure you get some court-ordered shared custody, and if she violates that, then petition for primary custody (if not doing that now). I'm trying to be the best dad I can be to my two girls. Being honest and genuine with them, owning my failings of the past, and showing them (through words and actions) that I am focused on bettering myself pays dividends. Suddenly I am free to make mistakes, apologize when I F-up, talk candidly with them, etc., and do so without trying to go after their mom. When I slip up and say something critical about her, I apologize to them for that. And yes, I sometimes fall into the trap of letting her control my emotions. But I work on that daily. Every morning I start with 5 minutes of mindfullness. I've never been able to do that mindfullness thing until my friend walked me through the process and explained the difference between that and meditation. Suddenly it clicked, and it has been central to me being better able (not always able) to filter my words and actions.

It's a journey, and you have taken the first steps. Keep walking friend.

[JNChell]

You’re right and it sounds like you have good people around you. I appreciate your thoughts and wisdom. A great member here told me once that it took a long to become “wired” and that it can’t be reworked overnight. She’s right, but man it is taking time. Not seeing my boy has really amplified things. I guess that should be an opportunity to learn and grow. I’m still waiting on the initial paperwork from my attorney. I’m really scared of family court.

[Crispy Waffle]

JNChell, just checking in to keep the support dialogue going. I can't imagine the trepidation you feel about court. I'm anxious about the outcome, and I don't have the issue of a young child. In fact, my kids seem to both be getting more annoyed with their mother's BS. But the uncertainty is just really stressful. But the best way to deal with that is to develop a game plan.

Since misery loves company, I'll share that I lost my sh!t last night when my ex triggered me. She really seems to revel in stirring things up and knows how to push my buttons. I have two tasks for myself; continue working on mindfullness so that I can stop, take a breath, and think about how best to react, and secondly, draw up a game plan for how to lay out the facts and demonstrate how malignant she is if/when we have to go to court.

It's a process. A slow, arduous process.

[Dark Moon]

How nice that BPD made the discussion! I'm new here, reading up all I can on the joys and tribulations of having a BPD spouse (but I was married to a NPD before, my dad, an ex-BF, and my oldest daughter all have tendencies...apparently, I'm a magnet! Working on changing that...). I've learned alot and noted similarities in your story. I've been spending too much time worrying about what I could have done, what I did do (wrong), trying to be logical with a disordered person. It's exhausting!

Anyway, my situation is reversed in that I have a 4 year old son with my BPD husband and he (husband) just disappeared from the household 10 days ago (zero communication since). He's been having breakdowns every few months for the past couple years, so I was prepared (sort of) for this cycle, but what's eating at me now is how does someone abandon their child like that? I have 5 older children from previous, amicably dissolved marriage. My ex-husband is not really around and my children haven't suffered that I can tell yet. But not having a NPD around is probably not a bad thing in the long run anyway. My husband has only been dysregulated about 10% of the time so far, and rather meagerly compared to some wild stories I've read, so the kids are on the fence about whether they want him to be gone forever.

I'm worried about going to court, even though the law is on my side and I have tons of evidence regarding his condition. I'm more like his caretaker than his partner...he needs ALOT of support to survive (financially, emotionally, physically). I hate to admit, but when he's gone, it's a nice vacation for the rest of us (as he was usually spiraling down for a short period before the breakdown). At this point, I'm not interested in dissolving the relationship. But in my state, divorce is no contest so if he somehow filed, it would be over ASAP.

I feel bad for my son. They had a close relationship. I don't want my son to grow up not knowing his dad. I worry for my husband's safety. It's maddening...But I can only do what I can control. So life goes on, whether I wanted it to or not. I'm hoping for the best. I can live with mediocre probably. When my husband is home, he's fairly regular because I'm somewhat vigilant about his symptoms. But if he remains out of the household (immersed in what I call his den of cronies - vile individuals who don't believe he has any problems and live to destroy me based on some unknown vendetta), I can't be certain of his mental health or the safety of his environment. So my son could not see him...and that sucks.

I hope you've been working things out in a mutually beneficial way. It sounds like you're doing a lot of reflecting (me too finally) and I think that's a step in the right direction. I'm with everyone else, you do need to protect your rights, keep fighting for your son. Worse case scenario is you have to wait til he's 18 (time flies!), but even then, don't give up. A delayed relationship is better than no relationship at all. And he may need your help...my son is already displaying typical BPD symptoms so he needs me to learn how to handle it and how best to help him. Maybe I couldn't save his dad, but hopefully, our son will have a better outcome.

[JNChell]

Thank you for checking in. That’s why I love this place. There is always support. I’m sorry that you got upset by your ex. From what I’ve been learning, it might not be a good idea to try to showcase how malignant your ex is in court. I’m going to take a complete reversal of that and take responsibility for my bad behavior. I’ll pinpoint things if the opportunity arises, but it’s about my Son. I’m not going to throw darts at my ex. I’m going to show the court that I am very self aware and that I’m concerned about my Son’s well being. I’m going to own my stuff and be honest. That’s something my Son’s mom can’t do.

[JNChell]

Object constancy. Out of site, out of mind. He might have trouble with adult thinking. I know that it’s baffling to wonder how he can’t be thinking about his Son. That’s all I’ve doing. I’m spending the weekend with a friend because I need support.

Unless the dad is dangerous, I’d encourage you to keep him in your Son’s life. Children want both parents. It’s important for their development. As they grow and develop, they’ll make their own decisions.

[Crispy Waffle]

Thank you for checking in. That’s why I love this place. There is always support. I’m sorry that you got upset by your ex. From what I’ve been learning, it might not be a good idea to try to showcase how malignant your ex is in court. I’m going to take a complete reversal of that and take responsibility for my bad behavior. I’ll pinpoint things if the opportunity arises, but it’s about my Son. I’m not going to throw darts at my ex. I’m going to show the court that I am very self aware and that I’m concerned about my Son’s well being. I’m going to own my stuff and be honest. That’s something my Son’s mom can’t do.

All very good points. I do need to find balance in that, and will consult with a lawyer at the appropriate time. Honestly that is related to this whole issue of being triggered and how we respond. There's a fine line between holding them accountable and going on the attack.

My intent is to own my issues (I told her that explicitly; that I would not sugar-coat anything about myself before the court), demonstrate how I'm doing my work, and anything related to her would simply be in hand should there be a need to demonstrate anything that may be damaging to our kids (and also any financial obligations since she has been very manipulative in that regard).

I don't know if you have seen this page on BPD Family (link below), but there is a long list of topics that might be worth investigating relative to the issue of healing ourselves and not getting caught in the traps the BPD's in our lives set for us, moving forward, etc. More trips down the rabbit hole, but at least I'm moving through the various stages of this and not remaining stuck. The easy things are out of the way. The work ahead gets harder. Put on my big boy pants and lace up my boots for the slog ahead.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

[ForeverDad]

...apparently, I'm a magnet! Working on changing that...

Look at it from others' perspective.  Likely you're an enabler.  You let them get away with too much misbehavior.  Review our articles describing practical Boundaries on our Tools & Skills board.

We all know bepole with BPD (pwBPD) or other acting out disorders resist or reject boundaries.  So if they don't cooperate then it is up to set perceptive boundaries for ourselves.  How so?  My own version is something like this:  "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  You see, it's our response that is the key.

My husband has only been dysregulated about 10% of the time so far, and rather meagerly compared to some wild stories I've read, so the kids are on the fence about whether they want him to be gone forever.

I'm more like his caretaker than his partner...he needs ALOT of support to survive (financially, emotionally, physically). I hate to admit, but when he's gone, it's a nice vacation for the rest of us... At this point, I'm not interested in dissolving the relationship.

Divorce ends the adult relationship.  The parenting remains though of course it wouldn't be the same as before.  If "the kids are on the fence about whether they want him to be gone forever" then that can be addressed in a parenting schedule.  Divorce ends the adult relationship, only one aspect of the process is the parenting outcome.

Object constancy. Out of sight, out of mind...

Unless the dad is dangerous, I’d encourage you to keep him in your Son’s life. Children want both parents. It’s important for their development. As they grow and develop, they’ll make their own decisions.

What you should do depends on how much the family is impacted by the behaviors.  Let's do an exercise in objective thinking... Ponder this future scenario:  Five years from now will you look back and kick yourself saying "Why didn't I call it quits years ago and avoid all this suffering?"

Side point, I come from a very religious family, divorce is not taken lightly.  Clearly, infidelity is a basis for divorce, so are abuse or willful nonsupport.  Your perspective may be different than mine.  I had opposition and parenting sabotage so despite my religious background it was divorce or else not be a parent.

[JNChell]

FD, I understand. I haven’t really been allowed to be a parent since he was born. She has controlled everything. Even when were together, but I wasn’t able to really see it then. It’s pretty crystal now. The gradual escalation that I totally missed. You know, her mom took her from her dad when she was 8. She didn’t see him again until she was 18. She’s doing it all over again and it will harm our boy if it goes on like it did for her. I’m scared to death that she is using him right now. I send him care packages every week with a written message. I don’t know if they’re being read to him. I just got an attorney so I guess I’ll see where this goes. I know about how your ex kept your Son from you for three months and the struggle you had in front of the courts. They want to talk about the best interests of the child, but they miss the mark more than they hit it. I think that Childress has it right when it comes to these situations. Mental health professionals should be a standard entity for custody cases at no up charge to plaintiff or defendant. I think that Childress is trying to clean up after Gardner.

[Crispy Waffle]

We all know bepole with BPD (pwBPD) or other acting out disorders resist or reject boundaries.  So if they don't cooperate then it is up to set perceptive boundaries for ourselves.  How so?  My own version is something like this:  "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  You see, it's our response that is the key.

I'd love to hear examples from folks here about the "if/then" boundaries they have set. I've been considering that, but wasn't sure if it was productive, manipulative, etc. I need to make sure it isn't something related to the kids so as to not pull them into this. And I also wonder about any potential legal backlash. (e.g. I'll pay you when..., I'll give you access to the joint property in my home when...).

I'm so tired of being manipulated, both in our marriage and now in the separation. But I also know I can be emotionally dysregulated and I need to make sure I don't escalate things and create worse problems for myself.

[worriedStepmom]

I'd love to hear examples from folks here about the "if/then" boundaries they have set. I've been considering that, but wasn't sure if it was productive, manipulative, etc. I need to make sure it isn't something related to the kids so as to not pull them into this. And I also wonder about any potential legal backlash. (e.g. I'll pay you when..., I'll give you access to the joint property in my home when...).

I'm so tired of being manipulated, both in our marriage and now in the separation. But I also know I can be emotionally dysregulated and I need to make sure I don't escalate things and create worse problems for myself.

It's important to set concrete rules and consequences that you are able to follow.  If you slip EVEN ONCE, then they'll push your boundaries even more.

Examples:
When coparenting with my non-disordered ex.  "Kid1 wants to play sport.  Games will be on your weekends too. Are you okay with that? If I don't hear from you by Friday, I'll assume it's okay and sign her up." 

With H's uBPDex:  "I will not answer the phone while I am at work.  If you continue to call me while I am at work, I will block you." and "I will not respond to texts with profanity or tirades.  If you continue to send these, I will block you and only communicate via the parenting app."  (We now only communicate via the app and she's blocked on both our phones.)

"We have been really flexible with the schedule, and it's getting hard for me to keep track. I won't change dates for the next 6 months unless there is an emergency (suspected COVID, hurricane)."

In a divorce setting, it can be along the lines of:
"I'll provide my discovery to my lawyer.  When you provide yours to your lawyer, the lawyers can exchange them."
"When we have an agreement on property division, then the next day I will provide access to the items earmarked for you."

[JNChell]

worried, everything has been very loose with S5’s mom the entire time. Things haven’t been consistent enough to establish a status quo. I hadn’t been involved in his life other than visiting. Boundaries. I’m now seeing that I need the courts to set these. We can’t do it. I just got a confirmation email that the initial paperwork and payment has been received by my attorney. I’m just afraid that it’s the beginning of a very long and unnecessary battle. My attorney is an old high school friend. It’s 50/50. She’ll milk me, or she won’t. It’s been years.

Regardless, I’m becoming agitated and sad by not seeing my boy. He’s only 5. That tells me a lot. Who does that? At the same time, I got with her and had him. It’s frustrating and scary.

[ForeverDad]

I’m just afraid that it’s the beginning of a very long and unnecessary battle.

Unnecessary?  No, it really is necessary.  Or else this would have been resolved 5 years ago.

Very long?  Quite probably before all is said and done.  Actually, getting regular and substantial visits with your son should happen fairly soon, maybe just a few weeks or a bit longer with society virtually shut down these days.  Court will likely set a temporary order as interim solution and over the course of a few months a more permanent order can be negotiated or decided by the court.

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if she rushes and pleas with you to unfile your motions for a court ordered visitation schedule.  She may get shocked that you "grew a couple".  She may promise that henceforth she will allow visits.  However, don't fall for that, or else all too soon you'll be right back again to where you are now.  You need the backing and authority of family court to set the rules, not her.

Let the legal system work for you.  Your lawyer works for you.  Over time you will gain more and more confidence that this is the path to secure parenting.  We're here cheering you on, we've got your back!

[Crispy Waffle]

JNChell and others, if you are trying to figure out what your role is and haven't seen this topic on the Drama/Victim Triangle here on BPD, it might be worth the read. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

It was very powerful for me and has helped me start to understand who I am and how I operate. It helped me understand my role in the marriage, and hopefully I can learn from this to have better relationships in the future.

It was also very emotional. If you are serious about figuring out your role and working on yourself, it means coming to terms with things that can trigger some pretty strong emotions. I found myself seeing all of my wife's issues, then finally started identifying my attributes, and suddenly was overwhelmed by the emotion of realizing my role and how I play into all of this. It didn't absolve my wife of her role, nor undo the significance of the damage resulting from her uBPD traits. But damn, taking a cold, hard look at yourself is tough. But it is one more step forward, so I'm not going to beat myself up over who I am (thanks to family of origin stuff). And hopefully it will help me build my toolkit on behaving in a more productive manner and not defaulting to a triggered state. I'm not going to be a hostage to shame; that has been damaging enough over the many years.

Ooof! This stuff is hard.

Worried Stepmom; thanks for the examples. Those are both relevant to boundaries I need to figure out how to set constructively (without resulting to the persecutor role on the triangle).

[JNChell]

FD, no way in hell im backing out of this. Even if she says “when do you want him?” before we proceed, I’ll work that out with her, but a damn court order is getting put in place no matter what. You guys have been telling me this for a long time. If I can’t see my Son, I’ll do whatever I have to do. Step 1 I guess.

[JNChell]

CW, thank you for sharing. I’m very familiar with the triangle. Most notably because it was brought to light here. Understanding triangulation is a big thing. I agree with you, if you start to see it and feel it, it’s time to politely say goodbye. It’s weird. If I had known about this long ago, S5 wouldn’t be here. In a very close sense, I’m glad that I didn’t know because he is here. I can’t imagine life without him.

Realizing your role is the biggest step that you will take in your healing journey. You’re going to be just fine. It just takes time after figuring a few things out.

Building the tool kit is also very important. So is self care, which I’m terrible at. A lot of stuff starts to come out the more we become aware and it can get really hard to sift through. How are your feelings now that you’ve opened that can of worms?

[JNChell]

I also gotta say that I  watched “Mighty Mouse” as a kid. Love the avatar and didn’t remember it until I saw it here. Pretty cool.

[Crispy Waffle]

CW, thank you for sharing. I’m very familiar with the triangle. Most notably because it was brought to light here. Understanding triangulation is a big thing. I agree with you, if you start to see it and feel it, it’s time to politely say goodbye. It’s weird. If I had known about this long ago, S5 wouldn’t be here. In a very close sense, I’m glad that I didn’t know because he is here. I can’t imagine life without him.

Realizing your role is the biggest step that you will take in your healing journey. You’re going to be just fine. It just takes time after figuring a few things out.

Building the tool kit is also very important. So is self care, which I’m terrible at. A lot of stuff starts to come out the more we become aware and it can get really hard to sift through. How are your feelings now that you’ve opened that can of worms?

Thanks JNChell, those are reassuring words. I keep telling myself this will all work out in the end. It's good to hear it from others, especially those who understand just what I'm dealing with. I had to pause while replying because I got a bit emotional. I didn't hear those words much as a kid when I needed to. I just put your words on a sticky note on my monitor. "I am going to be just fine". Live by your own words; they are powerful.

And yeah, self-care is a big weakness of mine too. It's a big contributor to why I'm here. And you also hit the nail on the head regarding our kids, and the irony that we wouldn't have them had we not gotten into bed (literally) with our spouse/partner. In some ways it pains me that her DNA is in my children, but I will never let that stain who they are. They are not her.

As for how I'm feeling; pretty good actually. It was a needed reality check and has helped redirect my attention back to me, and less on her. Every time D14 is with me my wife inevitably stirs up some drama, which then spools me up and has me focusing on her. This latest self-discovery has allowed me to better understand how I get pulled into her web. My therapist told me months ago to be careful how I deal with her, that she knows how to push my buttons.

Honestly, there wasn't anything very surprising to my realization of my role (starting gate persecutor). But I now have a better understanding of what it is and how it operates (especially within the relationship), and I can actually define it. The triangle structure makes it very tangible and logical for my ADHD brain. The hardest part was reading the passage about a breakthrough to prompt self-accountability to get off the victim grid potentially needing to come in the form of a crisis. That hit home. It triggered those feelings of guilt, shame, failure, inadequacy. You know, the stuff that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  Thank god for my sarcastic, irreverent sense of humor. It's the only thing that gets me through sometimes.

Wishing you Peace on your path to reclaiming your relationship with your boy.

[worriedStepmom]

JNChell, I'm so glad you paid the retainer and are taking action to get a court order!  In the long run, that should pay off.  Keep your expectations in check - it may be a long road.  We have an annual budget for legal fees, categorized as "SD13 tax".  It's the price we pay to protect her.

My tip for self-care - during my divorce I made a list of everything that made me smile at all.  It included things from "light a candle" to  "read a book" to "VACATION".  I made myself do one thing off the list every day.  Some days were really hard, and lighting a candle was all I could do.  Some days I did more adventurous stuff (hiking!).  Making that habit of focusing on myself for a few moments a day was very good for my mental health.  You may want to try something similar.

[ForeverDad]

Make sure whatever order you walk out with that it includes typical split of holidays and 2-3 weeks of vacation annually.  Holidays are usually alternated during even years and then during the odds years you get the ones you didn't get the prior year.  (The kid's birthday is included but usually not the parents' birthdays.)  Court may limit how long a vacation can be, often either one or two weeks, but you should get at least 2-3 weeks total each year.

Remember, vacations are not by her permission or approval.  You send the vacation notice well in advance during the county's prescribed notification period and as long as it doesn't include one of ex's holidays or her already declared vacations then she has to allow it.  Here's the order of priority:
(1)  holidays (review county's list and strike out what you two don't observe)
(2)  vacations (first come, first served)
(3)  regular parenting schedule

If despite all your efforts you end up with minimal "typical dad schedule" (alternate weekends and brief time in between), don't be too discouraged.  Work smartly with what you get.  Seek the longest weekends possible, I had 72 hour weekends from Fri pm to Mon pm.  Seek multiple mid-week evenings or overnights.  Seek additional parenting time during the summer in addition to vacation time.

Also, school will be an issue... who will be responsible for school?  Sounds like he is kindergarten age.  Don't get excluded from school.  And if you end up paying some or ll school bills, make sure you are only liable for typical public school expenses.  Why?  One dad here agreed to pay all school expenses and then the mother surprised him and enrolled the kid in a private school with predictably high tuition fees.  The court told dad, "You agreed to pay for school expenses so pay them!"

[JNChell]

I am taking your advice to heart. My attorney (an old friend) says that she is seasoned in alienation and disorders. Our first hearing is on S5’s birthday ironically. 3 months from now. It’ll be 5 months of him being withheld if I don’t see him between now and then. I asked his mom if she was really going to keep us apart until then. She answered my question with a question that had nothing to do with it. I told her that I was done talking to her and that I would see her in court. She has no regard for our child beyond what benefits her. I sent his latest care package today. This one was certified mail and the rest will be. My best friend’s mom said that I should do that and it makes sense. I’m pissed.

[ForeverDad]

Remember to put a sticky note on your refrigerator or computer monitor reminding you to always always communicate in as angelic way as possible.  Don't Gift her any excuse to claim a basis for denying you parenting time.  Sure, advisable to keep it limited to parenting matters, only the adult relationship has been over for years.  But don't let her divert you into side issues and endless circular claims.

The only reason my previous post mentioned alternate weekend parenting schedules is because you've been a non-primary parent for so long.  Not only might she claim you don't care to be an involved dad (which your documentation of parenting efforts can refute), the court itself may assume your child is accustomed to a sometimes-there dad.  Court is a bit weird, it may say, "We don't want to give you too much more time because you kid isn't used to having more time with you."  Yes, that's more circular reasoning, some courts have reasoned since your child hasn't had much time with you, we won't order much more time with you because it might upset him.  You need to get out of that parenting rut, though not much you can do until court intervenes for you.

You will be (politely) righteously outraged when you appear in court.  Sadly, we can't promise court too will be righteously outraged at her for your blocked parenting.  Too often courts, mine included, view past misdeeds as water over the dam, especially if there was no order being violated, and typically address matters going forward.  Mine not only didn't give my then-stbEx consequences, not even a long lecture, it also didn't give me makeup time either.

Are you on your child's birth certificate?  (Not sure whether you answered this question before?)  If not, might she try to delay action by claiming you're not the father and demand a DNA test by a company approved by the court?

I can imagine she would appear in court and say, "I just let him see my child for his birthday, so what's the big deal?"  (Sorry, a last minute slice of time is not nearly enough of a solution.)  Or, "I would have let my child see his dad but my child didn't want to see him."  (Sorry, the kids do not choose, there would have to be a major substantiated reason.)

[JNChell]

I’m pissed. I have a very hard time not showing it. It’s on my sleeve. Man, I just miss him so much. It doesn’t feel like a man should have to reserve himself like this. I know that my kiddo misses me. She’d call the cops if I knocked on her door. This is f’n crazy. I’m sorry. This is an educational board. I just miss my Son.

[ForeverDad]

Eventually... when you do eventually get into court... you want the court to see you as the better parent, the parent coming with proposed reasonable and/or practical solutions.

Are you able to parent in an equal time arrangement, perhaps a 2-2-3 (aka 2-2-5-5) schedule?  One parent would get Mon-Tue overnights, the other parent would get Wed-Thu overnights and then the parents alternate weekends with Fri-Sat-Sun overnights.  (That's the equal time schedule my Custody Evaluator recommended for children under 10 years of age.)

Odds are the court may consider moving from 0% to 50% or more as too big a change, but you can take the position that you can share your child while she cannot, as proven by the history.  (My CE wrote in his preliminary report to the court, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can.")  That's why I listed so much about aspects you need to secure if, despite every effort, you walk out with less than equal time.

You may not get everything you seek, but do not be too timid.  As the old saying goes, If you ask for it you might get it, but if you don't ask for it then you won't get it.

It's okay to walk out with less than you ask for.  (1) You tried, using as much strategy as possible.  (2) It sets a foundation in court that you want to be an involved father and not just a sometimes dad.

In addition, based on her recent blocking, you can also ask for some level of Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Typically a non-primary parent doesn't get that, or at least not for everything, but you have reason to seek that since DM or TB would help you avoid frequent returns to court.

One matter that needs to be addressed is what level of input you have for school matters.  Don't let that fall through the cracks.

[JNChell]

I’m 3rd shift so I ‘m going for 3 weekends. She agreed to this before withholding him. I got on her about having him evaluated by a child psychologist. Long story short, I advocated for it, she said yes. I asked if she wanted to be involved in picking a therapist. She told me that I don’t have any rights and she would do the picking. She still hasn’t. I got on her, now it’s court.

[Crispy Waffle]

I’m pissed. I have a very hard time not showing it. It’s on my sleeve. Man, I just miss him so much. It doesn’t feel like a man should have to reserve himself like this. I know that my kiddo misses me. She’d call the cops if I knocked on her door. This is f’n crazy. I’m sorry. This is an educational board. I just miss my Son.

You have no reason to apologize to anyone here. This isn't just an educational board; it's a safe place for you to be fully human and share those emotions with others who understand and won't judge you for it. I think I said it before; I can't imagine being in your shoes. It is hard enough with my two teen daughters that can see through much of the BS, and a wife that is not as overt in her maladaptive behavior. And yet I still have a hard time dealing with her.

Vent, share, emote, do whatever is necessary here so that you don't do so in a way that undermines yourself with your BPDex or the courts. And glean the great knowledge from our friend Mighty Mouse on this board. ForeverDad has provided some really big nuggets of wisdom on various topics that I can hopefully draw from when things get real with the divorce.

[JNChell]

Thank you CW. What a ride. Who would’ve thought that this would be how it is. I know you didn’t. You wanted your family in tact. Do you ever wonder if you could’ve done better? Something different? I do, but the conclusion ends up the same every time. I’m a bit emotional this evening. Angry and sad. I’m expressing those emotions by sitting here on my couch. Lol

How are things with you?