Happy ending?

[RestlessWanderer]

I’m curious to find out about people that have come here to BPD Family and found their happy ending. I’m sure some have figured out how to get along and strengthen their relationship with their BPDso. Others may have ended things, and found peace and happiness without lingering interference from their ex.
I haven’t been able to find a positive POV lately and I’m hoping that those that have are still here and can share their story. So many of us are struggling through this and I suppose others may be looking for a positive outlook as well. Something to aim for. Unfortunately I’ve read many posts by those that continue to struggle either with or without the pwBPD.
I could use a ray of sunshine.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, RW. Yes, there are many here who are still struggling in the r/s and still struggling after the r/s has ended. I struggled for a while, particularly in the "limbo" state when I had moved out but not shut the door completely because part of me held on to some sliver of hope that my ubpdh would finally acknowledge that he needed help, real help, not just some talk therapy where he twisted the narrative and avoided any real deep dive into his behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs and their roots.

This Nov will be three years that I left (ran for my life, basically, the r/s was very physically abusive) and nearly two years since I went NC. I can honestly say that while I still struggle somewhat with CPTSD symptoms, my therapy today is focused solely on me and has little to do with my ex at all. I have honestly moved on from the r/s and it holds no power over me anymore.

My life is much more peaceful now. I no longer spend every day in crisis mode. I learned that I can do hard things. I can support a household alone, I can work, take care of my son, pay bills, do the household shopping and chores, make financial decisions, work on my degree. I actually completed a bachelor's in the last three years and am now working on a Master's degree. I still feel sad about the r/s from time to time, and I do still wish that my ex would one day get the help he needs. He's still my kids' dad and he has no r/s with them, and that's sad, for them and for him.

I would say that I am in the best and most healthy place I have ever been in my life, and while it is still hard, and I have days where I struggle with the CPTSD a lot, it's getting better and better, good things are happening, and it seems as far removed from my life in that old r/s as Kansas is from Oz.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve had experiences on both ends of the spectrum. I finally ended a long marriage with a man who I suspect not only had BPD, but also NPD and possibly ASPD. It took me many years to get to the point where I no longer tolerated his affairs, his financial irresponsibility, his drug use, his verbal and physical violence.

Then I married a man I thought was the answer to my prayers and discovered that he too had a personality disorder. Fortunately he is mild on the BPD spectrum and nowadays the most I deal with is occasional grumpiness.

That wasn’t the case a few years ago, when I was so angry about having been duped into another BPD relationship and he was acting out in crazy ways. However with what I’ve learned here and the fact that he’s much milder on the BPD spectrum, life is good.

The tools really do work. I’m not sure how well they would have worked with my first husband. He was doing a lot of behaviors that are completely intolerable and not compatible with my values.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

I love this thread. I want to know that after I can escape this marriage, that I can be happy again.

My (also a writer) uncle sent an email this morning:

"You'll get your life back soon enough. It'll be a changed life, but it'll be worth it."

I'm hoping more people hop on and share.

[AskingWhy]

I am still in a R/S with my uBPD H, but I am empowered and feel powerful. I feel that at any time, I can get up and leave the marriage and not look back.  I am no longer beholden to him or his dysfunctional family (uNPD F, two uBPD adult children, one uNPD adult child).  Likewise, if he chooses to leave me, I know I will survive and move on.  In fact, I know I will thrive.  I also likely have CPTSD from the years of abuse, adding to my FOO issues, and a harrowing workplace bullying history.  But my self esteem has grown over the years.  I know abuse is not about me but the abuser.

Awareness is the key.  With knowledge, of ourselves and others, comes power.

[RestlessWanderer]

I’m grateful for the contributions to this thread. These success stories help to give me anecdotal evidence that these troubles aren’t permanent.
I was thinking about this earlier and I was wondering if there were many people that continue coming back when they no longer need a place to vent or seek advice.

[formflier]

I suppose I'm appropriate to put in this category as well.  

I had 15 ish "normal" years of marriage where BPDish stuff was likely somewhat hidden because of Navy lifestyle.  A natural disaster pushed my mental health one way and my wife's the other way and for many year I contributed to making things worse out of ignorance.  (Pay close attention to Asking Why's comments about knowledge is power)

Essentially I thought "the truth" would help, when it was actually quite invalidating to my wife.

My wife is actually milder on the BPDish spectrum and is most likely more PPD than anything else.

So..what kind of paranoia?  The my husband has a baby with another woman kind.   The my husband has a baby with another woman, named her my name to sneak that baby on government insurance and introduced me to that baby at a McDonalds play land.

(reality a militant breast feeder was there with a baby that has the same name as my wife, which is a unique Biblical name)

Well...I started to understand my stuff, my wife's stuff AND how much power I actually had in the relationship.  

I have a weekly therapy relationship with a PhD level psychologist now and use those sessions to make better parenting and marriage decisions...to be the best (healthiest) relationship partner that I can be.

Boundaries and avoiding invalidation are important..critical.

Not "picking up the invitation" to fight is also important.  Another way of saying "starve the conflict"...and the fire will burn out or not burn as bright.

I also stopped trying to control my wife...started believing in her more, started trying to control myself more..and believing in myself more.

The weird thing is...when my wife thinks I am a  (fill in the blank) and my response is "Oh..." and then I go on about my day.  A couple hours later she is usually cuddly and loving.

When I would "fight" those notions...things would be horrid for days.

Good thread.

Best,

FF