Cheated

[start_again]

Do ever feel like you have been cheated by your SO with BPD?  That you couldn’t be the romantic you wanted to be, the parent, the friend, the support, human being you want to be but can’t because you are too busy managing the chaos.
A little poor me today looking for support…

[myinnertorch]

Everyday my friend. You cannot be the person you want to be when you are involved with someone with BPD unless it fits their distorted reality. That usually spells trouble, since their altered reality usually paints a black picture.

As I read these posts each and everyday I never cease to be amazed at the huge damage and emotional toll these disordered place on people like us.

The question remains, why do we tolerate the abuse and neglect? Anyone care to take a stab at answering?

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve certainly felt disappointed that my partner has certain limitations, but I no longer feel restricted from being the person I want to be.

That said, I’ve been married twice to BPD husbands and it’s much easier if they only have traits, rather than fullblown BPD.

Asking why we put up with difficult behavior often leads us to examining our family of origin. My mother was undiagnosed BPD and that set me up to think BPD behavior felt like family. Things I tolerated at the beginning of a relationship would have made emotionally healthy people recoil.

Specifically, I was very drawn to being idolized, then trying to recreate that honeymoon phase again and again. I tolerated some unkind behavior along the way, hoping to get back to that magical place where I felt loved and accepted. (Mom trained me to think this is what love was about.)

So many of us who’ve had family members with BPD evolve into codependency and we orient ourselves around trying to manage our loved ones.

We don’t have to do that, and often relationships work much better when we don’t. However, if this is a longstanding habit, it takes awareness and determination to change our patterns.

It is possible, and it’s much easier with partners who aren’t as afflicted by BPD.

[start_again]

sometimes it is hard to change patterns when we don't know what to change them to... 

[Cat Familiar]

When we get involved with a BPD partner, often what happens is that we begin to forget who we are, what is important to us, what excites us, what motivates us, and we become all consumed with trying to manage our partners so they don’t explode or become unpleasant to be around.

We forget who we are.

This doesn’t serve them well, nor the relationship, to negate our selves. Over time it becomes habitual.

How do we get out of this pattern?

By remembering. We remember what we enjoy. We remember what makes us feel good. We remember what we used to do—and we start doing it again—without asking permission.

This is who we are, and who we were. This is who we were when our partners fell in love with us.

Getting back to that place is a homecoming and it is our destiny to be ourselves.

[formflier]

  too busy managing the chaos.
 

 

What if you didn't manage the chaos?

Best,

FF

[start_again]

good thought to not manage - managing hasn't worked in the past so why now?

[formflier]

good thought to not manage - managing hasn't worked in the past so why now?

A very wise way to look at it!

Say...I'm curious about something.  If you stop managing the chaos...how much time/energy will you have to put somewhere else?

Where would you put it?

Best,

FF

[bpdinme]

BPD here...

We have difficulty managing impulsivity. Im not saying your SO cheated on you, im saying that nothing is off the table, not even the possibility and likelihood that your SO did NOT cheat on you.

There are times where we just lash out and we want to inflict as much damage as possible. So for example me, I have threatened to cheat but have zero intention on carrying it out.

I know you're trying really hard to hang in there. You are your significant others rock. Believe in yourself.

[AskingWhy]

I feel very much cheated by my uBPD H.  We have been married for 25 years, and H is only now waking up to the damage he has done to my heart and psyche.  He started medication for a condition which might have had to do with his uBPD, but he is also older than he was when he was dating me, and all of his children are grown with families.  In addition, his F, elderly, is an old uBPD, and my H is seeing him for the first time for what this man truly is:  selfish, cruel, instable and irresponsible.  FIL is in his 80s, and treated his W of 60 years like a servant. MIL died a few years ago, and FIL, we learned, blew through the life insurance and now has $20K in gambling debts.  My H just had to spend thousands to repair his F's car.

My H is now waking up to his own abusive behavior, but he still does not see the dynamics behind my reactions to the abuse, and isn't willing to take blame for the unrest in the marriage. He said I "said some hurtful things to him."  H does not see those "things" as my defense to the abuse I endured over the years.  When H originally started his emotional and verbal abuse a year into the marriage (including breaking light fixtures and furniture, punching holes in walls, which are considered domestic violence, btw), I wept and cried, thinking I was somehow at fault for not being the best W.   We even went to marriage counseling where the T fell for the chameleon charm of my H, who professed just how much he loved me.  By the end of the session, the T (who was duped) was hollering at me, of all things, and telling me if I didn't shape up that I would lose the man who loves me so much.  It was surreal.  This is why people in R/S with people with PDs, or are in abusive R/Ss are recommended not to go to couples counseling because it won't work.  

I had no idea why I was so miserable until I happened on a book on verbal abuse.  The book was not clinical, but described perfectly the actions of a pwBPD.  By own research, I learned my H had BPD.

So, yes, I do feel cheated for 25 years of misery and unhappiness.  That's a long time to be depressed and on the verge of tears.

Cat is right about forgetting who we are.  We are so consumed with doing damage control for our BPD partners.  When I married, I was an amateur musician.  I had played since I was a young child, playing sheet music, but also creating compositions of my own.  After a year of marriage to my H, I slowly stopped playing because I felt somehow I was "on the clock."  Music, I felt, was not constructive according to my H.  He did not say as much, but I saw him scowl at me when I was playing, as if to say, "Isn't there something you should be doing?  Some chore that is undone?"   I was so totally filled with joy with my music, and my face must have shown this.  My H was jealous of my happiness.  Looking back, he didn't want me to be happy.  He launched his campaign of insults, belittling, rages, name calling, and eventually my happy soul started to die.  I fell into a deep depression as I saw him treat his adult children like princesses and princes, openly insulting me in front of them, and betraying me by confessing his unhappiness in our marriage to them, using them as confidentes.  (Covert incest at its worst.)  The more depressed I became, the crueler H got because I was of no "use" to him.  H has NPD features in his BPD; the higher functioning ones usually do.  H has a high level job with a lot of company responsibility.  He shows his happy face at work, hugging me in front of his boss at a corporate dinner, then curses at me on the way home for something he found fault with me.  I was his punching bag that he used whenever he was angry with his uNPD X W, or when his PDed children devalued him or used emotional blackmail to get expensive gifts and money.  

Twenty five years later, I am rediscovering the marvel of my music.  My H claims he has turned over a new leaf, but wants me to "confess" to my role in the abuse.  This is not a good sign.  H has fewer rages, and I have not had a divorce threat in several months, so I am still reserved as to how much an improvement H has made.  He has not yet gone to a counselor nor been diagnosed with BPD.  He went to a T years ago where he was diagnosed with PTSD from his military service.  

Yes, I was cheated of almost 25 years of happiness.  The happiness I deserved from a loving H who wanted me happy, not wanted me to be used as a punching bag for the agony he had toward his X W and FOO.  

[start_again]

exactly

[start_again]

A very wise way to look at it!

Say...I'm curious about something.  If you stop managing the chaos...how much time/energy will you have to put somewhere else?

Where would you put it?

Best,

FF

The time and energy will go towards positive thinking and activities.

[start_again]

BPD here...

We have difficulty managing impulsivity. Im not saying your SO cheated on you, im saying that nothing is off the table, not even the possibility and likelihood that your SO did NOT cheat on you.

There are times where we just lash out and we want to inflict as much damage as possible. So for example me, I have threatened to cheat but have zero intention on carrying it out.

I know you're trying really hard to hang in there. You are your significant others rock. Believe in yourself.

What I was getting at is that I feel like I was cheated on being the person I want to be for my SO and can’t.  The romantic, the giver of myself, the intimacy and all the goodness of a relationship that can’t be given when the receiver is incapable to accept unconditional love… 

[AskingWhy]

What I was getting at is that I feel like I was cheated on being the person I want to be for my SO and can’t.  The romantic, the giver of myself, the intimacy and all the goodness of a relationship that can’t be given when the receiver is incapable to accept unconditional love… 

SA, the R/S with a pwBPD is so one-sided that it gets wearing.  The non is asked to give, give, give.  After more than 20 years of this, I have decided to withhold myself from my uBPD H's life.  This includes his R/S with his uBPD F and uNPD/uBPD adult children.  Enough is enough.  I leave him to the mess of his own family's making.  My time managing the chaos is best spent on myself.

I am now a bystander in my own marriage. 

[AskingWhy]

BPD here...

We have difficulty managing impulsivity. Im not saying your SO cheated on you, im saying that nothing is off the table, not even the possibility and likelihood that your SO did NOT cheat on you.

There are times where we just lash out and we want to inflict as much damage as possible. So for example me, I have threatened to cheat but have zero intention on carrying it out.

I know you're trying really hard to hang in there. You are your significant others rock. Believe in yourself.

I think the original OP was not talking about "cheating," as in a romantic affair.

The cheating refers to being "cheated out of a healthy R/S."