Asking the kids if they want to come

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. I haven't posted since February, which is a good sign, although I do like to check in and help others when I can. I think things calmed down with exH during the pandemic (maybe he's less triggered if he knows we're in the house, not going anywhere ;) a control thing.)

The start of school tends to trigger him, professionals involved, and that always makes him nervous. I have two kids in grade school, and I'm a single mom. They see him on weekends.

One of my kids has gotten very stressed in quarantine. Lately saying he doesn't want to go there (to his dad's) so much. So ex brought this up after the kids came home, saying he's not going to force him to come. But then he wanted to demand, on the phone, why my son doesn't want to go there. I said it's not ok to put him on the spot. (Really, it's just because he's comforted better at home than at his dad's, but I still don't think he should be put on the spot to answer. He's a kid.)

So my ex said that if he doesn't want to come anymore, so be it.

On one hand, I don't mind one of my kids always being home if that's what it takes. On the other hand, I've known that eventually BPD parents prefer one kid, so I wonder if that's what's happening. Also, I think ex should be able to handle a kid whining about being there, and actually talk to him kindly and comfort him there, instead of giving up. They're getting older and they're going to whine about stuff instead of being cute and little.

He kept badgering me about whether the kids are coming next weekend, and saying one kid shouldn't, and yada yada. It's confusing to me and them. I am going to say, "As agreed, Son will stay home this weekend" but I'm worried he'll change his mind last minute. I'm keeping everything kind of open because I don't want to deny him parenting time, but I also don't want this to set a precedent. It seems silly to decide that Son will never go there again, based on a few weekends where he was stressed. (Unless there was a deeper reason, and someday there may be, but for now I don't think it's anything nefarious).

Just wondering what kind of language I should use with ex when he tries to broach this or say maybe Son shouldn't come anymore. Anything I say can and will be used against me in future discussions so I try to be neutral but we do have to make decisions and be consistent. Also, demanding to ask Son on the phone if he wants to come each weekend? Trying not to allow that, he's too young and will be afraid to offend.

We are meeting with PC at some point so will bring this up then too. But in the meantime I'm trying to get the wording right so kids don't become targets. The other kid is more easygoing.

[momtara]

Hi all. I haven't posted since February, which is a good sign, although I do like to check in and help others when I can. I think things calmed down with exH during the pandemic (maybe he's less triggered if he knows we're in the house, not going anywhere ;) a control thing.)

The start of school tends to trigger him, professionals involved, and that always makes him nervous. I have two kids in grade school, and I'm a single mom. They see him on weekends.

One of my kids has gotten very stressed in quarantine. Lately saying he doesn't want to go there (to his dad's) so much. So ex brought this up after the kids came home, saying he's not going to force him to come. But then he wanted to demand, on the phone, why my son doesn't want to go there. I said it's not ok to put him on the spot. (Really, it's just because he's comforted better at home than at his dad's, but I still don't think he should be put on the spot to answer. He's a kid.)

So my ex said that if he doesn't want to come anymore, so be it.

On one hand, I don't mind one of my kids always being home if that's what it takes. On the other hand, I've known that eventually BPD parents prefer one kid, so I wonder if that's what's happening. Also, I think ex should be able to handle a kid whining about being there, and actually talk to him kindly and comfort him there, instead of giving up. They're getting older and they're going to whine about stuff instead of being cute and little.

He kept badgering me about whether the kids are coming next weekend, and saying one kid shouldn't, and yada yada. It's confusing to me and them. I am going to say, "As agreed, Son will stay home this weekend" but I'm worried he'll change his mind last minute. I'm keeping everything kind of open because I don't want to deny him parenting time, but I also don't want this to set a precedent. It seems silly to decide that Son will never go there again, based on a few weekends where he was stressed. (Unless there was a deeper reason, and someday there may be, but for now I don't think it's anything nefarious).

Just wondering what kind of language I should use with ex when he tries to broach this or say maybe Son shouldn't come anymore. Anything I say can and will be used against me in future discussions so I try to be neutral but we do have to make decisions and be consistent. Also, demanding to ask Son on the phone if he wants to come each weekend? Trying not to allow that, he's too young and will be afraid to offend.

We are meeting with PC at some point so will bring this up then too. But in the meantime I'm trying to get the wording right so kids don't become targets. The other kid is more easygoing.

[kells76]

hey momtara!

I'm a little pinched for time, but one immediate thought is including wording about "just for this weekend, let's try" or "as a one-time thing, I agree with you for Saturday". That might buy you some time to keep thinking.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello Momtara.  I believe most studies show the children do better in the long run if both parents continue to be involved.  Are your children in counseling?  The dynamics of co-parenting are difficult for children to handle, but add in a high-conflict personality it amps up the complexity and challenges for all involved.  A lot of folks on this site highly recommend counseling for the children to help them navigate the emotional difficulties they encounter.  I'm encountering a similar situation as yours and we're trying to find a way to get the kids into counseling when the other parent refuses to allow it.  Good luck.  jdc

[GaGrl]

hey momtara!

I'm a little pinched for time, but one immediate thought is including wording about "just for this weekend, let's try" or "as a one-time thing, I agree with you for Saturday". That might buy you some time to keep thinking.

I agree. Something along the lines of "Let's take this one visit at a time."

Do they see your ex every weekend or bi-weekly?

[momtara]

Usually biweekly. Yeah I avoided the question as much as I could and tried to make it sound like a one time thing.

It was kind of left hanging for next time which is frustrating too, because kids want to know. I am going to say as little as possible except firm up that one kid is coming. If he wants to argue, so be it.

I am tiptoeing toward counseling. They are young but definitely want to start soon, so that's on the table.

[worriedStepmom]

My oldest was in counseling at age 5.  It really helped her. So your kids are definitely old enough.

SD's mom used to pull that kind of stuff all the time.  She didn't want SD to stay home, she wanted SD or us to reassure her of how much SD wanted to be with her.  If we didn't respond in that way, she'd keep escalating to try to get the hit of how much SD loves her.

[livednlearned]

Have the visits been going ok more or less?

Maybe this is a call-to-arms that the oldest is ready for some skill-building to become more resilient. It isn't easy having a parent who is mentally ill, but that's the ticket they drew in the lottery.

It never ceases to amaze me how skillful my son's therapist is when stuff about S19's dad came up/comes up. I think I tend to go to safety mode so quickly, whereas T tends to focus on empowering S19 and helping him self-validate his thoughts and feelings.

Is your oldest able to verbalize why it feels uncomfortable at dad's?