Help with adult child

[Ishopelost]

My AS has alcoholism and was in and out of treatment a few times.  They have finally diagnosed him with borderline personality disorder along with the depression and anxiety plus the addiction.  He self harms when he is sober.  (We never knew he was self harming as a young teen until he was 17 when we found out.  At that time he started using weed and drinking which we also didn't' know.  Once we found out, he went to therapy but he stopped going.  As always manipulated it that he didn't' need it.)
Is always saying how he hates his life, doesn't care about himself, needs a girlfriend at all times, then drinks her away.  He is manipulative and very impulsive.    He is so very intelligent but makes such rash decisions and spends way too much money which he doesn't have and racks up his debt to the point he cards are maxed out.   Calls my parents for help and they help.  However, now that he has been caught in his lies and they see what he is spending it on, they are not going to help anymore.    We have offered to pay for sober living, for DBT therapy, etc. and so far he refuses.  Says he hates his life, it won't get any better, etc.  I said 30 days sober won't make you life better, it will take more time and more work on your part.    Wants to end his life all the time and makes it very clear.    Said that he only went to treatment to prove that even after 30 days sober his life still sucks and he still hates himself.   Does anyone have any positive outcomes with this?   He seriously makes these impulsive decisions and then hates the results.    What do you all do?   I am exhausted and feel like just letting him crash.  If he takes his life, I literally have done all I can.   He doesn't live near us.  He chose to  move across the country a few years ago.  Lost two long term girlfriends due to his drinking and anger issues.  Has a huge sensitive heart but only if things are going his way. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

You are not alone.  Welcome.  My adult BPD son also has substance abuse problems.  He also has sabotaged job applications in the past in part just to show me how he can't get a job.  ( When he did indeed get one, he "exploded" out of it in rages).   Click on my name and you will get more of my back story.  He, too ( as far as I know) is still across the country from me.

The situation is this:  1. There is no helping the mentally ill adult without his/ her buy in.  They truly have to want the help. 2.  Our laws are such that we can't force an adult to get help if they have no awareness they are sick/ or is ok with being the way they are currently.  I am sure there are positive outcomes , but I am still hoping for my son's.  They somehow have to be sick and tired enough of being sick and tired before they do anything like getting help. 

You unfortunately sometimes do have to let them be.  The hardest thing is to do nothing, but that is where we get to .  I am in the throes of this ( as many are here).  In the meantime, we have to put focus on ourselves and getting ourselves better ( mental illnesses are a family problem, not just the patient's problem).
Write here as often as you need to.  Learn as much as you can about BPD by taking a look around this forum.