SnapWalnuts
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1
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« on: September 27, 2020, 12:18:22 PM » |
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Hello - this is my first post so I guess it will be a long one so I can fill in as much of the back story as possible! Thanks for hanging in to the end!
I have an adult son who exhibits BPD traits, though he has never been diagnosed. His father, who has NPD traits, and I are divorced. Son is 22 years old and has had issues with substance abuse since he was a teenager and made a number of half-assed attempts at rehab, mostly to appease us and to continue to receive financial support. When he went to his last rehab (he was 20 years old then and it was his 4th program), he had been living with me following a hospital stay due to an overdose and psychotic episode secondary to drug use. His behavior and use while living with me really spiraled to the point that I reached wit's end and said it was complete a full round of rehab or move out. He did agree to rehab but wouldn't engage or participate in choosing the program. So I chose one for him and with his dad's support sent him off. His dad said he was on board with the hard line I drew: complete this full round of rehab or lose our support. Anyway, he decided to leave the program after a month. We both doubled down and said stay there and finish or lose our support. He left anyway and his father swooped in. Paid for him to come home and then go to another program closer to home. Feedback at that program was that he dogged it, skipped sessions, didn't fully engage and always had excuse for why he couldn't do all of it. I went to therapy with him there several times and his therapist told him, "I like your mom, she doesn't put up with your bs. Your dad doesn't talk to you this way. You should listen to your mom." At the end of that rehab, his dad allowed him to move back home, then bought him a new car, took him on trips, paid for him to go to college --- basically rolled out the red carpet. And within months, son was using again, with dad's knowledge, almost to the point of flaunting it in his face. Dad tells me he swears it is different this time. Anyway, that is the long back story. Today he is back at college, using consistently (as he has since he was a teenager) but at this point he is able to moderate his use so that he can function (stay in school, hold down a job, etc).
For a while, my son refused to see or talk to me, would not respond to texts or any of my efforts to reconnect. (I've offered go to therapy together to work on our issues but he's refused.) Also he did not stick with his post-rehab relapse prevention plan, which stipulated addiction therapy and support systems. I've maintained my boundaries and he has started to respond some but clearly doesn't really want a relationship with me. Any connection we have is because I made the effort. However, most recently, I believe he has begun to manipulate my younger son, who lived at their dad's with him after the last round of rehab. Dad is obviously placating my older son. As I said, dad has NPD traits so he doesn't listen to any of the addiction experts, therapists, professionals, etc because he knows better and will do his own thing anyway. My younger son and I have had a decent relationship other than the struggles related to divorce. But generally, he has watched his older brother's behavior and recognized how he lies and manipulates to get what he wants and generally is just an A-hole. He knows older son is back to using in the home, though he doesn't approve of it. Now he tells me that he doesn't like the way I treated his older brother. He says I had impossible expectations for him and that I "traumatized" him.
I have only recently considered a personality disorder for my older son and landed on possible BPD because of his really uncanny ability to use his emotions to manipulate. I know substance abuse and PD can co-exist and it's difficult if not impossible to distinguish between them. However, in his brief periods of sobriety, he exhibits pretty much the same behaviors. I am curious now because he is about 15 months post rehab and he has been using consistently for over a year but is apparently able to moderate and control his use, which tells me he was capable of that all along and all the drama around his "addiction" was him perpetuating chaos so that he remained the center of attention. Also I was just describing some of his behaviors to my therapist and making a case for him to have a BPD, and she said "oh he sounds like a psychopath." Big scary word I know! He hasn't had any violent behaviors. Pushed me one time when I tried to take his weed away. But a psychopath doesn't have to be violent. It is on a spectrum, just like BPD and NPD. It is more about behaviors like their ability to be very likable and charming, lack of empathy, ability to lie and manipulate to get what they want and without remorse, etc. Anyway, he has all of those in spades!
He isn't interested in getting help so a diagnosis is a moot point anyway. It would only help in my understanding of the issues and how to or whether to interact with him. I want to stay connected with him if I can figure out how to and maintain my boundaries etc. Also I don't want to lose my relationship with my other two children, in particular my younger son who seems to have fallen for the older's charms. So any thoughts, resources, advice would be appreciated. And just for the sake of my understanding and processing, has anyone considered or dealt with a psychopath diagnosis with their loved one?
Thanks in advance and I'm happy to have found this support system.
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