So tired of being parent to my spouse

[OverwhelmedHubby]

I have been with my wife for 4 years now. She has always suffered with mental illness, but a little over 2 years ago she was diagnosed with BPD and our world hasn't been the same since. Ive tried to be a strong loving and supportive husband, but my needs have fallen to the wayside significantly since her diagnosis. Its like she is stuck on the diagnosis and letting that take over, where as her illness and behavior was way more manageable before this new diagnosis. I want her to get better of course, and ive been super supportive and patient but my patience is wearing very thin. Im more like a parent than a spouse considering im aways having to monitor and guide her like a child. And on top of everything, we're not intimate either, so its a loose loose loose situation

[PearlsBefore]

  - sorry it took some time to craft a reply, your story slipped off my radar for a couple days which is unfortunate, because I recognise a lot of what you're saying. With a little bit of obfuscation for privacy reasons...

At one point I asked my parents-in-law if they would let their child move back in with them just for a short time since they were struggling in the aftermath of some deeds they'd commit, and their overwhelming shame was exacerbated by living with me...they made it clear, not a chance - they'd raised the child for twenty years and didn't even like it by the time they became a teenager. Now they were "my" problem and their parents were not going to re-engage with them except with me as an intermediary. So we were invited to Thanksgiving if I'd come along and shepherd my spouse...but they weren't really welcome to visit without me. (Imagine how awkward THAT is, ).

For what it's worth, if you get the chance for a Family Connections or similar support group for caretakers of BPD - take it. I was initially skeptical when I discovered 9 of the 12 participants were parents, 1 was a sibling and only two of us (one male, one female) were in there going "yeah...I married into BPD". I thought the input of parents would have less value (after all, they are often the root 'cause' of the BPD and/or BPD themselves, which did appear to be the case for a third of them at least)...but ultimately I discovered that a lot of the feelings of parents taking care of BPD children...is universal for those spouses who have signed up to basically be surrogate parents. It's exhausting and weird, and even moreso if/when you have children with them and then there's two different "types" of children you're caretaking...one of which may also be getting between your sheets...and if you're unlucky (and you married into BPD, so let's assume you are)...she'll have Daddy-issues on top of it.

I did find that some "childish" support systems helped  my spouse, for example they actually did improve when they had a little checklist from some BPD-patient book printed out and carried it in her wallet. It was what I'd privately call pabulum, the usual "count to five, remind yourself that you are the universe, be mindful for ten seconds, feel the sun's rays entering you, then respond to your dumbass spouse in a more polite way without throwing the heaviest books you can find at them"...but what the heck, it made them feel "special" to pull it out and consult the list when angry, in the same way it would help a 5-year old...so whatever works, right?

But yeah, consider a support group specifically for BPD caretakers; because the general "caretakers of loved ones with mental health woes" or "spouses in broken marriages" ones aren't the same, there's too much variance between what the individual participants are going through, there's no easy way to relate. But a BPD-specific group - daaaaamn it feels nice to not need to explain what you mean by the phrase "she tried to kill herself, but it was pretty lowkey so we didn't worry too much" or "the neighbors mentioned that she'd spoken to them last week, and gave me a weird look - oh God, what did she say to them?". It's better than just an internet forum. But during Covid...here I am.

[WantToBeFree]

Hi Overwhelmed Hubby,

I feel you.  My BPD exH was very much a child.  I had to do EVERYTHING.  How are things outside of her apathy?  Is she kind to you?  Does she respect you?  Does she give any appreciation for all you do for her?  In addition to acting like a child, my ex was abusive (in every way) and he only showed appreciation when I was ready to leave and he expected me to do everything.  So I am certain he did not appreciate me, he just didn't want his cushy life to end of me cooking and cleaning and paying the bills and running errands, etc etc. 

Had our issue only been his inability (or unwillingness?) to act like an adult and do something for himself and our family, I maybe could have stayed.  We used a lot of lists, "assigning" him chores that he could choose from and cross off when finished.  It worked well sometimes, but then he was just sink into this hole of "I shouldn't have to" and resent me for making him act like an adult. 

I made sure to hold him accountable for the things he could and would do (some things he just flat out claimed he couldn't do and wouldn't even attempt, like paying a speeding ticket online, applying for a job, etc).  It killed me, but even if the grass was ten feet high, he had to handle it eventually.  I think I mowed once in our entire 11 years together and that was only because we were getting alone and I felt bad that he was working 12-14 hour days at the time.  I refused to grill.  I wanted ONE type of meal that I didn't have to cook.  I refused to do his laundry...if he didn't do it and wore dirty smelly clothes, that was on him.  But these things did not provide much relief to me, and due to them and the other things I mentioned, I had to leave.

If you want to stay with her, if your life is better with her, despite the very big issue you described, I second trying to find a BPD support group.  Or perhaps counseling would help, maybe find new ways to deal with it and successfully put some adult responsibility on her.  But your happiness and sanity is important too.  From your post, it doesn't sound like you're getting much from this relationship.

I can sadly tell you that it likely won't change much.  My ex has taken on a lot more responsibility since we split, now that he HAS to.  But I have no doubt whatsoever that if we were still together, that would never happen.  He would also get abusive or aggressive when I refused to do things for him.  He is also still living with his parents since we split (over two years) and doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get his own place despite being able to afford to.  Because of course, why would he...the house gets cleaned, dinner gets cooked, I doubt he contributes to any or very little of the bills.  He lived at home when we met (he was 27) so he went from mommy, to mommy substitute and then back to mommy. 

I think you need to examine the likelihood that your wife will change in any significant way to make life with her worth it, and look at you own happiness to figure out how to move forward.  Good luck to you!

[ForeverDad]

You don't mention children.  I will assume you don't have any children?  This is my personal advice...

Don't imagine that having children (or having more children) will improve the marriage.  Instead it will likely compound the dysfunction you're experiencing.

My story is somewhat different from yours but notice how parenting was impacted...

Clueless me, I thought having a child would make her happy, instead it enabled her to relive her childhood fears through him.  Our prior decade of closeness was overwhelmed by her seeing me as a father...

We had our child when we had been married 12 years.  Everything imploded in the next 3.5 years.  Now that we had a child, unwinding a failed marriage was so much more complicated with the immense complexity of custody and parenting issues.

Many here stayed with the BPD spouse thinking (1) I'm a Good Guy or Good Gal and its my personality not to stop trying, (2) I can fix him/her, (3) It's not that bad - the slowly boiling frog analogy, (4) we have kids and I stay for the kids because I can't see an easy way out otherwise.