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Author Topic: The quiet borderlines make everything so much harder...  (Read 680 times)
tvda
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« on: February 15, 2021, 04:15:29 AM »

Hi! I am in the processing of detaching from a quiet BPD - or rather, she has been distancing more and more and more, so the outcome seems inevitable and I'll just have to find a way to deal with it.

There's not so much information here about quiet or discouraged BPD, but I have to say I am really struggling with it...

15 years ago I was in a relationship with a woman with histrionic personlity disorder, which is a kind of borderline on steroids: extremely flamboyant behaviour, acting out (in public), soo many men she cheated with, openly flirting, going out way too much, getting drunk, driving drunk, failing school, failing jobs... Total chaos to sum it up. This was definitely very painful to deal with because her behaviour was so outrageous that anyone could see it, but it also made it obvious that I needed to run, not walk, away from her. And thus easier.

Not so with my current (soon to be) exBPD. She is a superquiet borderline. No lashing out, no public inappropriate behaviour. No drugs, no drinking. No self-harm, except mentally inward, not overly sexual or seductive... Never once angry or insulting. She is very demure, understated in appearance and softspoken. Her borderline traits are more along these lines:

- extremely unstable emotions, with high intensity (but only experienced inward)
- almost total absence of self under stress, with dissociative episodes
- very, very sensitive to stress
- lot's of self-blame, guilt, remorse
- no empathy for others (seemingly due to having such intense inner emotional life that there is no room for other people's emotions)
- unnproductive choices in her personal life (e.g. staying in a toxic job, leaving a good relationship with the father of her two first children, then staying in an abusive relationship with the father of third child)
- lots of trouble setting boundaries
- very saccharine pattern of speech (big, soft, poetic words of love and deep emotions)

The problem that I'm having with this is that, although her rapidly shifting emotions and lack of empathy made and make life very hard for me, I am still mostly dealing with a person that is in general very sad, confused, depressed and feeling guilty. Of course during our 'honeymoon phase' she was the opposite: extremely bubbly, lightfooted, fairylike, joyous and expressive.

As I said, she has been distancing herself a lot over the past months, to the frustration and sadness of me, her children and her ex (father of her first two kids), who all love me, see me as a very positive influence in her life, and would want nothing more than for her to 'go for me'. But the pulling has clearly turned to pushing...

I'm not asking for how to 'turn this around' because honestly, it's futile. But I am wondering how people dealing with quiet or discouraged BPD exes let go... It was SOO much easier to cut my HPD ex out of my life because she was so extremely crazy and destructive... While with the quiet BPD with all the negative feelings turned inwards, I'm stuck on feeling sorry for herself and wanting to take care of this woman who remains very softspoken and gentle in her words, even though she's is not taking care of me, and her confused actions do hurt me (e.g. sleeping with her ex 'out of compassion for him' and then lying to me about because she 'did not want to hurt me').

It's easier to step away from a flaming nuclear explosion of inappropriate behaviour then from a softspoken, sad, guilt-ridden gentle person. Even though the emotional turmoil is just as real...
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tvda
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« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2021, 04:16:48 AM »

Sorry, double post.
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Schlaff

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« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2021, 12:36:22 AM »

One thing that really has helped me here, and it’s the place for it, is to really tell your story. Parts of it, anyways.

You say you are detaching. Why?
You say it’s futile. How did it get that grim?

Going through some of that with others here really helped straighten it out in my head, and helps a ton with resolve. It’s been cathartic for me simply to tell my story, and hear that I’m not the only one to have gone through similar.
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tvda
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« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2021, 02:34:12 AM »

Hi Schlaff,

I'm working up the courage to tell my story... There are a couple of complicated twists that make it hard to find the right way to tell it, but I'm getting there.
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« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2021, 01:19:20 AM »

One thing that really has helped me here, and it’s the place for it, is to really tell your story. Parts of it, anyways.

i agree.

i dated a girl with some bpdish history when i was in high school, but definitely no acting out style. the breakup really stuck with me.

i think we all get the complicated nature of these relationships - and you arent alone in having a partner that didnt have an acting out style - but its easier to support you if we know the details. it sounds like some of it is still ongoing?
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tvda
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« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2021, 02:17:18 AM »

Yeah, it's still ongoing... For some reason I'm having a very, very hard time posting my story here. I think I'll make an effort this weekend...

Saw here this week, for the first time in a month, and yeah, the quiet BPD... I was really scared to see how depressed, down, anxious and full of self blame and guilt she was... And of course in those situations a quite BPD just really makes you feel really sad, compassionate and sorry for her sort of depressed distress... And they're not really doing extreme stuff that would make you draw the line and close the door forgood. That would make ending things soo much easier...
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« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2021, 02:44:31 AM »

Excerpt
And they're not really doing extreme stuff that would make you draw the line and close the door forgood. That would make ending things soo much easier...

would it?

youre suffering, and you know it. the funny thing about these relationships is that we often move that line in the sand, over and over, to no ones fault but our own.

my ex threw coffee (not hot) on me. i never would have believed id have stayed after that, but i did. its a level of disrespect i consider fundamentally intolerable. but life is more complicated.

you dont have to dive right into sharing your story if youre not ready. you might, perhaps, share whats going on between the two of you.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
tvda
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Relationship status: broken up
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« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2021, 04:59:25 AM »

Hi once removed...

Yes, it would - I know that from experience... I had a very unstable HPD ex once. Her behaviour was so outrageous that not only the outside world got to see it (which also helped), but that the transgressions were of such an extreme nature that it was impossible to ignore. Cheating, for example, is no-go for me. Repeatedly cheating and then even continuing to have flirty contact with these guys, that was extremely hurtful, but it made me shut the door and go no contact really quickly - and then the healing started. Made even easier by catching her in a lot of blatant lies, where she got caught often. So her attempts at reconnecting were met with a cold and harsh "yeah, the thing is you constantly lie, so I'm not going to engage" from my side.

Whereas my quiet borderline... Don't get me wrong: I am feeling my boundaries move and move. But it's mostly because of me needing to wait, wait, wait, while she gets her PLEASE READ together in an admittedly difficult situation. In the meantime she is infinitely sad because of her difficult situation. Partly, or so she claims, because her situation might ultimately mean we can not be together. And because of the stress she is dissociating often, and noticing she does this and it's affecting her children as well. And she's been sinking into depression lately...

There is no cheating. There is no lying as far I can tell. I think the biggest BPD trait in her is really self-blame, a chronic feeling of emptiness and really chaotic emotions that swing from one extreme to another. Let's say: the chaos of her internal world. Of course I suffer by extension.

But that makes it nearly impossible for me to give up on her and let go. While with the cheating, lying, lashing out and acting out HPD ex: man, once she crossed a certain line she was out the door and I never looked back. So yeah, that made ending things a lot easier...
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ljwin

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« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2021, 01:08:03 PM »

I’m not sure but I suspect my ex-wife was a quite borderline. Not totally in your face crazy behaviour like my recent BPDxGF but over 17 years she eroded my self confidence and I totally lost myself. At the end when it didn’t matter anymore her mask came off completely and she showed me who she was! Laughed in my face at my grief! I bugged the house to prove the affair, I’ll tell you the things I heard it was like I never knew the women. The wife of her affair partner came round to tell her that they were breaking up. When she left my XW started laughing all about it to her other friend. The rage was insane, when I tried to leave for the night to get some space she actually bit right in to my arm and chased me down the street as she was staying in hotels every night that I was paying for with her AP while I looked after the kids.

Her behaviour over the last 4 years has been nothing short of insane! She lost her children in a custody battle she started and I didn’t even have a solicitor. She made a major part in the downfall of my last relationship as she would lie in court about me and say some awful things, even contacted my exBPDgf! Had me falsely arrested and stole everything I had. All this from a person that people literally think is Mary Poppins!

In the end she stripped me of my entire identity, I look back now and cannot understand how I allowed it to happen to myself. But I would say that I have recovered from it, it’s taken me a long time but now I laugh when I pass my old house, that guy now has my old life on steroids and I would not want that again for all the money in the world! You’ll get there dude!
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crushedagain
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« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2021, 04:02:09 PM »

My ex had quiet BPD, so I know exactly how it is. She ended up leaving me and I was not ready to break up nor did I want to. I loved her. She had many wonderful qualities, and did not treat me with the kind of disrespect I see here.

She glued herself to my hip shortly after we met. She pushed to move in with me within the first 3 months, which was one of the first red flags. Shortly thereafter she was even talking about selling her car. I was taken aback by the suggestion and asked her why she'd do such thing, because then she'd be solely reliant upon me (though I had 2 vehicles). She said something like "well, I'm with you from now on," like we were married and it was forever. I did not allow her to sell the car.

Like yours, mine was tormented internally with feelings of worthlessness and guilt. She would fall apart very easily over the slightest things, and had the thinnest skin of anybody I've ever known, being highly sensitive to any perceived criticism, let alone real criticism. She was like a delicate flower you had to care for just right or it would die.

She had the push pull thing going on majorly. She'd go from having to be touching me all the time to cold and distant when the engulfment set in. It was easy to tell which "mode" she was in. During the engulfment, she threatened to move out over almost nothing. She'd pack her bags and have them arranged near the front door. This caused problems between us, because I'd tell her that she was free to go if she wanted, that I wasn't interested in games or talking somebody into staying who didn't want to. In hindsight, I think she was testing my love for her.

When she was very needy and in the idolization stage, if she perceived I wasn't happy about something she would literally jump on me and hug me, sometimes even asking "can I just sit here at your feet and hug your legs?" I didn't like this, and said "no, get up off the floor, this is ridiculous." I knew something was seriously wrong with her.

Like yours, mine didn't drink, smoke or do drugs. But she had very poor boundaries. She had no problem oversharing details from previous relationships, which I'd tell her I wasn't interested in hearing, but if I so much as breathed a word about another woman she would get an almost evil look in her eye. Her whole face would change like she wasn't even the same person. And this is a woman who's really cute but could look downright mean at those times. I could go on.



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