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Author Topic: I called the police and that was the end of it  (Read 334 times)
Tired11

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 10


« on: October 29, 2020, 09:18:52 AM »

Sorry this is long. I've been so drained for the past month trying to keep the peace in my relationship. I was on the conflicted board and wanted to go on the improving relationship boared as my gf now ex.. was still committed to changing and making things better between us. I've explained in a previous post she hasn't been medicated for awhile and for an update on that, it has not been good for her. She has mentioned she doesn't feel chemically balanced and that has a part to play for the daily blow ups..

Story
Anyway she promised to get help and unfortunately today it blew up again before we could progress to making it better. The night before were in disagreement about replacing a shower head. It sounds silly but it's been draining not having a resolution when we don't meet eye to eye. I believe in asking permission before changing anything in our rental and she believes in what she describes as "taking initiative" , just replacing it and then dealing with the landlord later. To be honest it was not broken she just wanted a fancier one in my opinion that was gentler on her skin. Not only did we have a different approach to things, when my mother rang and she heard her ask me if I had asked the landlord permission yet (although my exbpdgf changed it) that set her off to say "well your mum can eff right off!"
I saw that as really disrespectful, I was hurt and just went silent, thinking about how nasty she was being. When I'm tired and think things aren't going anywhere I disengage, walk away and hope we can talk at a later time. I tell her why, I normally tell her I need a breather and that I'm top stressed but she believes it means I'm running away from her. This has never worked well though and I knew it would be best for me to seek more advice as well because I don't like dealing with conflict or sitting to hear any hurtful words and copping it. So she kept texting me first telling me to never enter the unit again until she has packed everything to aren't you going to answer me, do you care so little? To .. call me.. text me now where are you?

I did come back that night although angry I appreciated she still hugged me in bed and loving feelings came back. Then this morning I woke up to go to a shift and when I came home I wasn't ready to see her. I stayed in my car and talked to a trusted friend telling him about being stressed last night about the shower head and that I was hurt about how she talked about my mother. I was upset because she threw in her usual assumptions e.g. You care more about your mum and her opinion than me. You can even change the person's name. It could be my friend, my work, my pets or my plant hobby, anything she finds she compares them to my love for her.

After that talk I went inside felt brave enough and she seemed happy to see me and asked if we are ready to chat. I know I had avoided going inside the house for 2 hours but I still told her I'm not sure I'm ready to have a chat about what happened and that I needed to eat first. That's where things went sideways and she didn't believe we'd ever talk and that I was a liar etc. That I never intended to chat with her and that I wouldn't change either etc. That I would run away from her and not chat.   I listened and I said please can I eat first I'm really exhausted and I'm not ready yet. She needed an immediate response and I had anxiety. She ended up yelling that I cared more about having breakfast and then started to wipe off everything on the table (plate, food, vase of flowers, coasters, lazy susan). It escalated so quickly she was on a wrecking spree. I told her to stop breaking things and to please give me some time to think. She yelled that I don't think and called me all sorts of names intending I was Stupid and couldn't think for myself. She kept saying hurtful things and started throwing the chairs, my mug spilling my coffee on my laptop on the process and then I said no stop or I will call the cops. I don't feel safe. She just got angrier and called me a baby and said that she's been in an abusive relationship before and her throwing plants at me and pieces of plastic doesn't count! I said it does count and I was quite scared. I ended up trying to ring her parents first and she shouted that even if I told them what's happening they'd be on her side and I'd be "all alone", so I stopped and said sorry I have to call the cops if you don't stop and again kept calling me a baby and that I'm wasting their time and starting shaking the bird cage to get me to stop ringing. It was getting really bad but once the cops showed things settled down.
The names she called me. The assumptions she made. I told her to stay away and to please not hurt me and she seemed amused in a different state and saying in a childish voice that of course she would never touch me. It was like she turned into a completely different person but time and time a gain she finds reason to believe I don't care about her enough than anything else going on in my life and that is reason enough to escalate.  it reached a point I had to call them.for her to stop and it stopped. She was told to wait outside until her parents came to help collect her things and I waited inside with doors locked. She changed and what I did disturbing is apart of me does care about myself and wanted to protect myself but also blames myself for not being prepared to talk to her and have all of this as a consequence. That I didn't do the best I can when maybe everybody else believes I did. I knew it was the end because I didn't want things to get worse overtime even if I wanted to stay. I was on the fence but I still love her. I felt that if I allowed her to carry on I would be reinforcing abusive behaviour and it had to come to an end before getting more out of hand. She had come to a point where shes comparing my love for my family including my mother to hers and started saying strange things like well go and date her then if you give more PLEASE READ about her you #^#&$&$*  she told me I have no self awareness and that I don't deserve anyone and should only relate to My plants and not another human being.

I am sad Because we've been through so much, from when she moved in and became drug free to now her questioning my love for her and it falling a part. I couldn't be her person anymore. I couldn't have us both win. She competed with like I said the time spent with family friends pets and work and although lived with me it was never enough time and proving I loved her. She always wanted to be together at all times and despised people who robbed her of my time with me.

I've kept the list she made to promise me what she's change and she expected one from me too. She was angry I haven't completed mine yet, saying it takes two and that I do have flaws and yet gets angry when I ask her to help me out with what I could have done better..


Mine was - spend more quality time with her and give her a lot of verbal affirmation
To try and not walk away when I'm anxious (I still do)

Hers: promise to not threaten to break up,
To never yell and become violent, to remember that there is mutual love and care, to remember the love we had early in the relationship is still there, good memories and good intentions for each other, to be understanding of your needs and feelings and not overreact to "everything", to give space and questioning your every move, and thinking the worst of every situation, to analyse negative thinking and ask if it's true (I recommended this one to her), redo DBT, get professional appointments sorted and medications sorted again.

 My own mother has told me to stop being a hero and that has stuck with me. My excuse for awhile now has been that this is the last time. I Wanted a stable and healthy relationship but then I still wanted to try and make things better with her. I believed in her but in her eyes I haven't been trying hard enough and that I didn't change because that night I walked away hurt and didn't want to talk.
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



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« Reply #1 on: October 31, 2020, 02:46:00 PM »

Hey Tired11,

Excerpt
o help collect her things and I waited inside with doors locked. She changed and what I did disturbing is apart of me does care about myself and wanted to protect myself but also blames myself for not being prepared to talk to her and have all of this as a consequence. That I didn't do the best I can when maybe everybody else believes I did. I knew it was the end because I didn't want things to get worse overtime even if I wanted to stay. I was on the fence but I still love her. I felt that if I allowed her to carry on I would be reinforcing abusive behaviour and it had to come to an end before getting more out of hand.

That sounded really bad. As I was reading your post - things were escalating quickly.

What do you think?

I’m glad to hear that you listened to your intuition. It’s there to guide you and protect you.

I can relate with your post - second guessing myself and not completely trusting my judgment. I’m glad that you posted.

Things are escalating quickly, she’s blame shifting, she’s not displaying gratitude for the things that you’ve done for her in the past.

If you listen to that voice that protected you that night, what do you think that voice would tell you with how you handled yourself?

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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
UnforgivenII
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 316



« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2020, 03:32:46 PM »

You did the right thing. When they have these fits of anger you know where It starts but you do not know where it ends.
You were risking your life and you have every right to your peace of mind.
For a shower? Come on.
You did the right thing. Do not go back.
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Tired11

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 10


« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2020, 12:42:36 AM »

Hey Tired11,

That sounded really bad. As I was reading your post - things were escalating quickly.

What do you think?
She was the most distressed and angry I've seen of her and the more I didn't engage the greater it escalated. I said I wanted to talk after I had a good think about it and after breakfast and it couldn't wait. She thought I could just make my mind up quickly with threats but I really was tired and had nothing to say yet. She wrote me an email saying she regrets what she has done and asked me why we couldnt have talked? And that if we did it would have been a different outcome. She seems very confused. I already told her I would that day but it escalated because she didn't believe I would talk. From my point of view if she just let me eat and think first and just waited it would have been a better outcome.

I’m glad to hear that you listened to your intuition. It’s there to guide you and protect you.
I wasn't convinced shed calm down unless I gave her an answer when she wants one and I couldn't. there were too many issues to address and it takes time to discuss matters like that. Not before breakfast.

I can relate with your post - second guessing myself and not completely trusting my judgment. I’m glad that you posted.
That's ok I really appreciate this forum exists to be able to relate to others similar to me
Things are escalating quickly, she’s blame shifting, she’s not displaying gratitude for the things that you’ve done for her in the past.
can I excuse her for black and white thinking? She tends to see my good qualities only after she has calmed down. She is greatful and then she isn't.

If you listen to that voice that protected you that night, what do you think that voice would tell you with how you handled yourself?
That I did what was best and it was out of love and care for her too (although she does not see that). I cannot allow her to think it's ok to become violent and she broke every promise on her list. I'm very forgiving but she has yet to seek help. She hasn't even communicated that with me just that she wants to come home and misses me. Also when she told me last Thursday not to call parents to calm her down because they'd be on her side she was right and it was the safest move for me to get the cops instead. The masked slipped with her parents and I'll make a post on that. It would have been terrifying if I was alone and it was them to come over without the cops involved as witnesses. /b]

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Tired11

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 10


« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2020, 12:56:17 AM »

When they have these fits of anger you know where It starts but you do not know where it ends.
Exactly. she cannot dictate when to talk when I am not ready to. I made up my mind it was never going to end for this situation because I didn't have an answer for her. She also mentioned her email to me days later that the reason for her outburst was anxiety and not knowing where we stood in our relationship brought out her fear of abandonment. I didn't reassure her thinks are definitely fine between because I was not sure

For a shower? Come on.
This started this particular saga. The shower saga was how she was upset I agreed with my mother when she said we needed to ask permission from the landlord before replacing anything. It's common sense but it means admitting she didn't do things completely right. Her parents fixed it up and didnt think either and again seem to have the same trouble with admitting they were wrong. Her insecurity was that I loved my mum more than her and would always side with her. Everyday she reports back to her mother what's happening in our life morning, afternoon and night and her mother gives her opinion too. This time her mother agreed with her saying that my mum is to blame for our argument and it's not true at all. Her mother with untreated bipolar has told me that the real reason things blew up was that I did not love her daughter compared to my mother and that what I did to not comfort her was emotionally abusivd. It's just ridiculous. She defends her daughter and does not acknowledge her daughter's damage to the property. She didnt see my calling cops as a safety measure she saw it as abusive. Isn't that unreasonable?
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UnforgivenII
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2020, 03:35:58 PM »

It is not only unreasonable. It is crazy
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B53
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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 146


« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2020, 10:05:54 PM »

It's not unusual for a BP to get other people to side with them. They call it a smear campaign or if it is just her mother, then its called triangulation. It's surprising that her family didn't acknowledged her behavior. She didn't become a BP over night and they have, had to of seen this behaviors before.  That's called denial and enabling.

I hope things get better!
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