Does anyone else think they imagined all the abuse?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It’s been I think about 13 days since I found my exGF in bed with another man 24hrs after we broke up. Some contact since then which was mostly easy going except last night where she turned it all round on me. I did ask that she refrain from checking up on me but she persisted.

Does anyone else sometimes sit and think they imagined all of the behaviour?

The only part I can see that I played in the downfall of the relationship is that I wouldn’t move in together until my children were a little older. I stated this from the start 2.5 years ago and she said she was happy with that as she was happy having her own home. After 6 months it became a constant issue and she stated she felt like she was on a timer whenever I would visit her home, but I’m a full time father with a full time job and she is currently only having her children once per week and usually flakes to get drunk instead. She worked Max 2 days per week and then a year of not working, she spent 4 out of 7 days at my home and after her drunken behaviour escalated as well as her jealousy of my relationship with my children I just couldn’t see us living together until they left the home.. I only ever wanted her to stop the drinking. She would complain that when I had spare time I would always be in the pub. It’s at the end of the road and I would have a quick pint. Her house was an hour round trip, I was just taking some time for myself. I was married for 17 years and had no social life, this was my little piece of my time oh and I skated once per week and apparently I would rather skate than see her.

It’s left me thinking what any future relationship be like, will I ever be able to have boundaries again. That was the only boundary she couldn’t kick down as I was steadfast on it. But I keep thinking did I imagine it all, was it just me backing down in things when I should have said no. I didn’t have this issue in my marriage, If I didn’t want to do something I would just say so and then we would discuss it and then compromise and vice versa. However, I allowed boundaries to be crossed at the end of that marriage which lead to being left for another man. Is it learnt helplessness I have no idea. I do know though that I don’t want to take all of this forward in a couple of years in to another relationship.

[ljwin]

It’s been I think about 13 days since I found my exGF in bed with another man 24hrs after we broke up. Some contact since then which was mostly easy going except last night where she turned it all round on me. I did ask that she refrain from checking up on me but she persisted.

Does anyone else sometimes sit and think they imagined all of the behaviour?

The only part I can see that I played in the downfall of the relationship is that I wouldn’t move in together until my children were a little older. I stated this from the start 2.5 years ago and she said she was happy with that as she was happy having her own home. After 6 months it became a constant issue and she stated she felt like she was on a timer whenever I would visit her home, but I’m a full time father with a full time job and she is currently only having her children once per week and usually flakes to get drunk instead. She worked Max 2 days per week and then a year of not working, she spent 4 out of 7 days at my home and after her drunken behaviour escalated as well as her jealousy of my relationship with my children I just couldn’t see us living together until they left the home.. I only ever wanted her to stop the drinking. She would complain that when I had spare time I would always be in the pub. It’s at the end of the road and I would have a quick pint. Her house was an hour round trip, I was just taking some time for myself. I was married for 17 years and had no social life, this was my little piece of my time oh and I skated once per week and apparently I would rather skate than see her.

It’s left me thinking what any future relationship be like, will I ever be able to have boundaries again. That was the only boundary she couldn’t kick down as I was steadfast on it. But I keep thinking did I imagine it all, was it just me backing down in things when I should have said no. I didn’t have this issue in my marriage, If I didn’t want to do something I would just say so and then we would discuss it and then compromise and vice versa. However, I allowed boundaries to be crossed at the end of that marriage which lead to being left for another man. Is it learnt helplessness I have no idea. I do know though that I don’t want to take all of this forward in a couple of years in to another relationship.

[tvda]

OP, you found your ex in bed with another man 24 hours after the breakup, and you are wondering if you imagined the abuse?

Let me be clear here: that is not normal/appropriate/respectful behaviour on her side.

I think one of the functions we have on this forum is to be eachothers' eyes, to see what is so clear as an outsider, but so hard for the person in the situationship, specifically because abuse clouds your vision so much.

Even that one thing you mention screams "Run, don't walk" to me.

[ljwin]

OP, you found your ex in bed with another man 24 hours after the breakup, and you are wondering if you imagined the abuse?

Let me be clear here: that is not normal/appropriate/respectful behaviour on her side.

I think one of the functions we have on this forum is to be eachothers' eyes, to see what is so clear as an outsider, but so hard for the person in the situationship, specifically because abuse clouds your vision so much.

Even that one thing you mention screams "Run, don't walk" to me.

Absolutely! I never ever thought she would do that! And trust me I’m running, right back to who I was before I met her but with more experience! Back to my friends, my family and being able to work a full day without constant interruptions and then relax and make my children’s evening meal without getting anxious every time my phone beeps or rings! Who in world has a 2 hour phone conversation with their partner in a morning and another 2 hours at night with hundreds of messages in between when they spend 4/5 days out of 7 with you anyway!

[Purplerain23]

Exactly ! It feels good to let go of the constant anxiety, demands, drama and “sense of always having to explain yourself” . I think being in denial is a learned behavior and in recovery it can descend like a cloud but it’s different when your out of the relationship because you can label it as such ... denial . But in the relationship it was a coping mechanism that we used to survive. Even some of us groomed by them to be in denial or the FOG ... fear obligation and guilt ... these two symptoms of these relationships made me feel better dissociated . Now a days I face them hold them captive and practice mindfulness . If it’s strong I ask myself “ what do you need to do to take care of yourself right now ? If I start feeling sorry for him I get on this board immediately and read the bettering post and he reminded of the loosing battle and get a dose of reality . There’s power and freedom in even allowing yourself to be angry at their betrayals . Without feeling angry I wouldn’t have had the catalyst to move forward quickly or to stick up for myself and not fall prey to him again .

[Goosey]

After years of separation from the abuse my dread of the phone calls and the never ending unknown to me credit card bills in the mailbox is finally lowering.
   Good news is I work in public places and I see interactions of us humans that seem to make each other happy.
  I just plug along with my carpentry but I’m grinning under my covid mask.
  Took years. I’m done with being abused.
  This may sound stupid. But we all been hurt somehow. Eyes. That’s all we see of others a lot of time. Window to our souls.

[Schlaff]

Hmm, never thought I imagined it. But there is definitely a pattern of kinda ‘forgetting’ some unacceptable things. Lot of words I could pick there:  rationalizing, over-tolerating, submitting. Not imagine though, no.

And part of me still does it. “Maybe she is changed finally”. But, the blessing/curse there, for me:  it’s too little too late anyways.

[Cromwell]

these high drama, high adrenaline moments no doubt have an impact on how that experience can feel dreamlike or surreal and etched into memory. lots of studies done on this in the realm of victims of crime or witnesses of crime, bank robberies and so on, and they get asked to stand on trial and tell what happened but the memory is fragmented and skewed even when they were direct witness present at the time.

In view of this, it helps to get a lot of rest and dampen down. abuse did happen, people do not just go from normal day to day life and then get feeling like sideswiped by a lorry for nothing. the relationship did that to me and maybe part of the process after is one of disbelief, ive read that too, perhaps this is what you are going through if it is, it part of an overcoming grief circuit.

[once removed]

The only part I can see that I played in the downfall of the relationship is that I wouldn’t move in together until my children were a little older. I stated this from the start 2.5 years ago and she said she was happy with that as she was happy having her own home. After 6 months it became a constant issue and she stated she felt like she was on a timer

she was.

dont get me wrong: yours was not an unreasonable position. likewise, my ex asked me to move in early on, to which i said no, and she blew a gasket.

i have read countless stories of two partners that end up in years long relationships, where one party wants to have children, and the other does not. and when they ultimately break up over it, both tell each other that they thought the other werent serious, or would relent.

we do not always take seriously, those critical things our partners tell us, and its a vital lesson, for us, and for them.

make no mistake, that it not only puts a timer on the relationship, but creates tension in what is ultimately a dead end scenario.

It’s been I think about 13 days since I found my exGF in bed with another man 24hrs after we broke up.

im sorry man. there arent words to ease that kind of shock.

[ljwin]

she was.

dont get me wrong: yours was not an unreasonable position. likewise, my ex asked me to move in early on, to which i said no, and she blew a gasket.

i have read countless stories of two partners that end up in years long relationships, where one party wants to have children, and the other does not. and when they ultimately break up over it, both tell each other that they thought the other werent serious, or would relent.

we do not always take seriously, those critical things our partners tell us, and its a vital lesson, for us, and for them.

make no mistake, that it not only puts a timer on the relationship, but creates tension in what is ultimately a dead end scenario.

im sorry man. there arent words to ease that kind of shock.

The issue was I just couldn’t imagine having her live with me when she had so many issues. I hoped so much that she would go through with her therapy but she didn’t. She’s now chosen to just go down a path of self destruction and I can’t swoop in and save her as I’ll be sacrificing myself in doing so, maybe if I didn’t have kids but I have to put them first.

[forevermagenta]

Just to speak to your wondering about your ability to have healthy boundaries in the future. What I see here in this experience is that you DID maintain an important boundary: you didn’t let her move in with you. You prioritized your kids wellbeing by waiting until they were older and you stuck to it. And, in a way, it was you holding this boundary that brought this whole mess to a head - that she could not tolerate this boundary of yours. So, well done on that. It’s worth celebrating these victories that sometimes are hard to see when in the midst of the chaos.

And it sounds like you have attempted other boundaries by breaking up, but here is your chance to build that emotional muscle of yours and break up and go no contact for good. Every day you can celebrate your ability and gift to yourself and family (of being a more regulated, available human being to your loved ones).

I put regular reminders in my phone calendar to celebrate my No Contact time. I have even put reminders in my calendar on eighty days No Contact as I read it can be a weak point for people - just as a reminder to myself to have that perspective of self-compassion and understanding when that time comes.

[ljwin]

Just to speak to your wondering about your ability to have healthy boundaries in the future. What I see here in this experience is that you DID maintain an important boundary: you didn’t let her move in with you. You prioritized your kids wellbeing by waiting until they were older and you stuck to it. And, in a way, it was you holding this boundary that brought this whole mess to a head - that she could not tolerate this boundary of yours. So, well done on that. It’s worth celebrating these victories that sometimes are hard to see when in the midst of the chaos.

And it sounds like you have attempted other boundaries by breaking up, but here is your chance to build that emotional muscle of yours and break up and go no contact for good. Every day you can celebrate your ability and gift to yourself and family (of being a more regulated, available human being to your loved ones).

I put regular reminders in my phone calendar to celebrate my No Contact time. I have even put reminders in my calendar on eighty days No Contact as I read it can be a weak point for people - just as a reminder to myself to have that perspective of self-compassion and understanding when that time comes.

Yes it was pretty much the only boundary I wouldn’t allow to be crossed. In the beginning I had a lot but she slowly just moved passed them. The first time she hit me she was drunk, apologised and I accepted it so then it continued. The heavy drinking would stop and then I would give in and allow her to drink when she was staying over which always resulted in her falling over and hurting herself or hurting me or damaging something. It was the same each time, she would get drunk, pass out then I would help her to bed, 20 mins later she would jump straight up and go full psycho thinking I was her Dad. I’d calm her down and then she would lay down and moan and cry for hours all while I sat there reassuring her. I’ve spent the last couple of years exhausted! This is a small sample of her behaviour and writing it out I’m just now wondering what on earth was I thinking!

In regards to the NC, I asked her not to contact me and then it was a message every couple of days asking if I was OK which then lead to meeting up for coffee where she declared her undying love for me, thinks about me every minute of every day even when she’s with the new guy etc for 6 hours she went on like that. It’s another example of where I’ve allowed my boundaries to be crossed so I won’t be allowing that anymore.

I need to remember that not only does she have BPD but she is also an alcoholic, the road back from where she is at the moment is a long and winding one. There’s a line in a poem I plagiarised and rewrote for my daughter ‘Sometimes the very people you’re trying to save are the ones standing on your cape’ I think that is very apt in all of our situations.