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[phoenix9921]

I have been married for almost 22 years to a man who almost certainly has bpd. I got married very young (18 years old) and had no idea the hell that I was marrying into. I was madly in love and felt so much compassion for all y husband had been through (a traumatic abusive childhood and a ex girlfriend who supposedly just broke his poor little heart). He played the part of the victim very well, portraying himself as a man who had just always wanted to be loved, and had never received it from anybody. A man who was just looking for someone to pour all of his love into and to share his life with and have the kind of family that he always dreamed of but never had. He worship the ground I walked on, with extremely attentive and passionate. We had amazing sexual chemistry, and our relationship moved very fast. Soon after we were married, the man that I knew completely changed. He acted like he couldn't stand being around me, and like I was smothering him. It was a complete 180 change from when we were dating, and I was left completely confused as to what had happened. The rest of our relationship has been a series of ups and downs, and the Downs have been absolutely horrific. I never met someone who could make me feel so wonderful about myself, but it's crazy to think that that same person also made me feel worse than anyone ever had in my entire life. I hit new lows that I didn't think we're even possible repeatedly throughout our relationship, but was constantly teased with hope when he would promise changes and dote on me just like you used to when we were dating. This never lasted, though. It seemed to last only long enough for me to get comfortable and open up and be vulnerable again, and then the Raging Beast who wanted to push me away would come back out. In his worst moments, he looked at me like I disgusted him, it was like another person took over his body. He is verbally abusive, a master of the silent treatment, manipulative, and a liar, and I don't use that last term lightly. He has lied to me throughout our entire marriage about things that he has been doing behind my back. He has a pornography addiction and a Severe marijuana addiction, neither of which he is addressing in a healthy way. He has tried to cheat on me a number of times, though I'm not sure if he ever consummated any of his efforts. He's very good at hiding things, and has even admitted to me that he likes the idea of keeping things from me because it makes him feel like he's in control. He is awful to me, and then he growls and begs for my forgiveness and tells me but he's lucky to have me and then he doesn't deserve me. He is terrible to me and then tells me that he needs me to help him be a better man. I separated from him in two years ago, but he made all kinds of promises and even begins therapy and attending an addiction recovery program. I should have known that as soon as we got back together all of that would fall apart, as it did. I'm at the point where I just can't take anymore. I am so broken and damaged that I have contemplated suicide on a number of occasions because of the extreme emotional distress he puts me through. Right now I am in the process of beginning therapy and searching for a lawyer so that I can divorce this man and get away from him once and for all. I will never truly be free of him, as we have six children together. You may be thinking that I'm absolutely insane for having this many children with someone who is clearly emotionally unstable, but as I said, as terrible as he was to me over the years, he would come out on the other end by being extremely charming and loving, and over and over again, I thought we were over the hump and that he was getting better. Believe it or not, it did not even occur to me that he had a mental illness until 2 years ago during our separation. I don't know if I was just stupid or if I had the blinders on or what my problem was, but it's like I had this huge Epiphany years ago the despite what many people had told me when I talked to them about our problems, this man behavior was not normal. I began en researching, and when I found the description for borderline personality disorder, it gave me chills because it was like I was reading something written specifically about my husband. The more I read about it, and I've read a lot at this point, the more I realized that this was absolutely what he had. I beg for him to seek out help, to give us a possible chance to have a life together, and he refused, doing the classic borderline thing of deflecting the attention to all of my supposed shortcomings, projecting all of his unhealthy Behavior into me, accusing me of doing it, and raging at me for having the nerve to tell him that anything could possibly be wrong with him. He is threatened to leave me another of times, as if I could be so lucky. He believes that he cannot survive without me, which is ironic seeing is the way he treats me. I know that he would never leave me, although I dream about it all the time. I know that I need to divorce him to be healthy again, I know that I need to divorce over the sake of my children, some of whom are already displaying borderline characteristics, but I'm terrified. I'm terrified of how he's going to react. I'm terrified of how he's going to use the children to hurt me, because he has done this before. I'm terrified that he will perhaps become violent, towards me or towards himself, as he has plenty of guns and is definitely emotionally unstable. I'm terrified that he's going to destroy my belongings. I'm terrified that he's going to attempt to destroy my relationship with my children. I'm terrified that this divorce will ruin me financially. I am so scared, and with good reason, and yet I know that I must press forward. I know deep down in my soul that I have to get away from this man. I just can't take it anymore. I can't spend the rest of my life like this, because living a life hating him is no life at all. I am not in love with him at all anymore, and everytime I think of living a life free of him, I feel hope and peace like I haven't felt in years. I'm coming to this group to get support from other people who have been in my situation and hopefully some good advice as well.

[worriedStepmom]

Welcome.  We're so sorry you have to be here, but so glad that you found us.

It's not unusual to take time to recognize the emotional abuse and identify the mental illness.  Don't beat yourself up for what you didn't know.  Now you know more, and now you can make different choices.

I'm so glad that you are going to start therapy and consult a lawyer.  Your T and your L will be a good team to help you.

How old are your kids?  What can we do to help support you through this?

[ForeverDad]

He played the part of the victim very well, portraying himself as a man who had just always wanted to be loved, and had never received it from anybody... Soon after we were married, the man that I knew completely changed. He acted like he couldn't stand being around me, and like I was smothering him. It was a complete 180 change from when we were dating, and I was left completely confused as to what had happened.

I've expressed it this way:  The person with BPD (pwBPD) is nice and convincing until ... you are in an obligated relationship and then you feel stuck and powerless suffering the ups and downs of the dysfunctional relationship.

Whether it is intentional or not, consciously done or unconsciously, the result is what matters.  You've come to realize that the impact of the dysfunction is too unhealthy for you to continue.

[whirlpoollife]

Welcome phoenix9921 ,
A couple books that are helpful are Splitting by Bill Eddy and Divorce Poison ( on parental alienation) .
Your soon to be ex husband( stbxh) does not need to see these books.
You can have them sent to another house or temporally get a PO Box.
If you feel he can destroy or take things of importance you can get a storage locker to keep things, papers, photos there for safe keeping. If you are not sure , put It in there as you are the reasonable one who can always return or share later.
Get the finance information in order , bank accounts , house loan, car loans, businesses. Copies of everything in case passwords get changed.
Talk to several attorneys to see which has experience in high conflict divorce with BPD. And who will work with you and be on your side for the custody issues.

If there is a crisis shelter near you , go in and talk.   Counselors there can work with you for a safety plan when you tell h.
( It took me a few drive by’s to get the courage to go in and once I did I had wished I had earlier in the process)

This will take time but you have started . There is a lot of helpful information here!

[PearlsBefore]

 

Three points - and obviously I don't know your story as well as you do, so it's definitely possible that I am completely wrong (and at the very least, unpopular) - you will know best; but just consider the possibility.

1. Reading through the relationship, while it's clear it is dysfunctional - my first instinct would be to assume that he has Narcissistic PD not BPD. He sounds BPD in your sentences about pre-marriage, but the past 22 years where he is pathologically lying to you, he admits he likes to keep things from you so he can feel he's on control, the fact his own actual emotions do not seem labile, and what's termed the "abuse cycle" wherein he's a jerk, then he begs forgiveness and promises he'll change and never do it again just to draw you back in...that all shouts NPD to me, not BPD.

     1.1 Here's where it gets tricky. It should be remembered that NPDs are the most common personality to marry BPDs, and a third party might maintain that your own extreme "ups and downs" of self-image are reactive to whether he's being nice/mean, if your children are exhibiting signs of BPD, your use of superlatives and overwhelming fears of possible futures, if you feel at times like he's disgusted by you and other times that he worships the ground upon which you walk...there is a chance that they would suggest you were BPD, and he was NPD. I don't know that it's true (or that it matters) - I'm just saying you might read closely about NPD and see if those symptoms match him better.

     1.2 It doesn't matter so much though, whether he's X and you're Y, or he's Y and you're X, or neither of you have anything diagnosable...obviously you are still feeling distressed, the relationship sounds like it is no longer itself healthy (and possibly not healthful as well), you are understandably looking for necessary alternatives.  You mentioned that when you begged him to get help, he brought up a list of what he claimed were YOUR shortcomings and accused you of projecting them onto him - it seems like the easiest way to get him INTO therapy or marriage counseling might be to agree that you will also go (even if you don't actually need the therapy, just go). The good news is that whether he's BPD or NPD, he's much more likely to attend therapy if he knows you are also attending (together or separately; though with a 22-year marriage I'd recommend some together)

2. I know the "common wisdom" of professionals appeasing insurance companies is to claim you should always assume the worst and not wait for something to actually happen - but tackling just the issue of potential violence, do bear in mind that it sounds like you've been married 22 years without him physically harming anyone. That said, guns are always a liability. Personally I'd suggest trying to reach a compromise on the guns, ask him to store his guns with a friend or relative (he doesn't have to sell them, that should calm him) "because you're just worried about one or two of the kids". If he insists he needs protection or whatever, you can try compromising him down to keeping ONE rifle and storing the rest offsite. (pistols in the US from my understanding are used to commit the vast majority of impulse violence, shotguns next, rifles very rarely). I agree with you here, limiting the liabilities should  be a focus in a household with mental issues - but I also know that "gun people" can be unrelenting.

[ForeverDad]

Might you have some level of BPD?  Maybe, but my personal opinion is not likely.  The only thing that got my attention in that respect is that you didn't separate your post into paragraphs.  A very minor issue considering (1) you're distressed and (2) I sometimes read as a picky proofreader.

In other words, your post didn't strike me as though you you were severely impacted with BPD.  Whew!

So... how to explain your ups and downs?  First, I would venture to say that by your description of events, your perspectives jumped and crashed based on your spouse's behaviors.  Based on that I'd say your emotions were based on situational circumstances.  He was nasty, etc and so you were distressed; he was then nice, etc and you felt better hoping the future was better.

I do agree you would do well with a counselor who is experienced, especially with the acting-out "Cluster B" personality disorders.

I would be inclined to call your helpful professional a counselor while his would be a therapist.  There is a difference but around here in peer support, as non-professionals, we often see them used somewhat interchangeably.

I didn't even learn about Personality Disorders until 3 months before our abrupt separation, I had called the local university hospital seeking a home visit and the man on the phone said, "Sorry, no can do, you live just outside the county limits, but sounds like a Personality Dysfunction."  My subsequent internet searches opened my eyes wide.  And this was months after I'd been to a lettered therapist for three visits and all the T wanted to do was delve endlessly into my FOO background, not one suggestion about my ex's extreme behaviors in 3 sessions.

Wow, re-reading that post I now realize I had found a therapist and not a counselor.

Understand that some of these resources can have the perspective that a couple should keep trying no matter what and it will all work out.  That's excellent under normal circumstances with reasonably normal spouses but when you're dealing with an acting out disorder and the other spouse is refusing to apply good counsel... well, it could be sabotaging you, though intended well.  After all, even the oldest book around recognizes there is divorce.  A wise person will accept that some relationships just can't be fixed if both aren't working to make it successful.