Advise in preparation regarding parental capability evaluation

[LightAfterTunnel]

Hi all,

It’s been a long while but I’m back...

A lot has happened in the last 20 months since my stbexBPDw brought us into court: (to name a few) various police interventions, numerous unjustified absences of ex with me needing to watch kids, not following judge’s orders, not following court-ordered mediator rules, a surprise home inspection by the judge resulting in a very bad report for ex while a very good report for me, blocking my rights to see our children for 6 weeks during Covid hysteria, numerous lies, etc

So after 16 months of all this craziness, as a father given 30% custody, the judge gave 50-50 shared custody to me this June. Since then stbexBPDw has appealed to civil court (rejected), has asked to suspend the involvement of the equivalent of CPS here (we live abroad) (rejected), appealed to the court of appeals (rejected), and now we’re awaiting the response from her appeal to the top federal court.

During these last months, stbexBPDw understood that slowly the situation is going bad for her, so she has slowly been playing the game of alienating our kids from me. It’s has worked with D12 with whom I always had a great relationship but now has refused to see me for the last 10 weeks. S9 and D7 have a much healthier self esteem and boundaries and have actually been pushed closer to me because of ex’s behaviors.

When the judge learned of D12 refusing to see me (10 wks ago), first with claims that were outward lies regarding court matters the judge was aware were lies and subsequently false accusations that I am violent with D12, the judge immediately ordered the equivalent of CPS to get involved. It took 8 weeks before the various actors were on the scene a couple weeks ago. The following things will be taking place:

- A curator has been assigned to the children (their role seems to be similar to a GAL with other nuances)
- An investigation will be taking place to verify facts
- A psychiatrist to evaluate both of us for “parental capability”

My D12 has been meeting with therapists in the state mental health service here and they have been monitoring the situation since the beginning, until D12 refused to go anymore around 8 weeks ago. Obviously ex claims she can’t force her. The Ts are very aware of ex’s behaviors and negative influence on children however they’ve been reticent to act upon anything (the mental health institution here is probably my #1 criticism of this ineffective system) however 2 days ago they told me they might request a full psychiatric exam of ex if things don’t improve. We’ll see if their words are worth anything...

All this is to say is that much has happened, many important  eyes are finally looking seriously at what’s going on, and it hopefully will lead to the children being able to live their lives more serenely. In some ways I finally feel relieved.

However I met with the curator yesterday for the first time and she’s a very tough personality, in my opinion I’m not so sure she completely is ready for my BPDex who has proved to be a certified sociopath these last 20 months. Already curator seems to have drank my ex’s juice of lies that I had to fiercely contest yesterday. I had prepared for her a wonderfully detailed list of problems focusing on the problems of coparenting our kids with ex’s ups and downs and antisocial behaviors. Hopefully this will help. (Thank you to everyone on the BPDFamily website for their numerous advises that helped me prepare)

Anyway Saturday I will meet with the psychiatrist for the first time to begin my evaluation for parental capability. I feel very prepared, years in the making, but does anyone have some critical advises for me before I speak with her?

Thank you in advance,
LAT

[GaGrl]

The most frequent advice is two-fold:

1) Keep the focus on which decisions, activities, behaviors are best for the children or benefit their long-term mental, emotional, physical health and security.

2) Present yourself as a problem-solver. Have a solution or options crafted for issues that will meet the criteria for #1 above. It's easy to list all the ways your ex violates guidelines or fails to parent properly -- she may spend her time complaining about you -- so you need to appear as a realist and problem solver who can see past the conflict.

[kells76]

Good to hear from you again, LAT -- ugh, COVID stuff plus PD's is NOT a good combination, huh.

In terms of meeting with a mental health professional about your kids, I may have recommended this before, but read Dr Craig Childress' article on "Jiu-Jitsu Parenting": https://drcachildress.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Ju-jitsu-Parenting-Fighting-Back-from-the-Down-Position-Childress-2013.pdf

especially the first two pages. The article focuses on specific parenting techniques with an alienated child, and pages 1-2 show some ways to describe what's going on to professionals, without seeming like a blamer, or labeler, or the problem.

Like GaGrl said, don't go down the road of saying "she's crazy, she's this, she's that". Focus on specific actions, decisions, etc, that are backed up with documentation, and that show a pattern of problems. Then, describe what you'd do to address the "problematic situation", that would be best for your kids.

The article gives some good pointers on not getting sucked into "labeling" or "diagnosing" the other parent. Staying out of that should show that you aren't interested in badmouthing, blaming, or finger pointing.

[LightAfterTunnel]

Thank you very much GaGrl and kells76.

My lawyer and my therapist have given me different advises, not contradictory, but simply different takes on important points to make. Always with the focal point of the children in mind. Your advice is definitely the most pointed of what matters here, ie the children.

Throughout the various stages such as initial court hearings, children’s hearing, court-appointed mediations, and then later court hearings, and now the curator meeting I have always tried my best to put the children’s needs and issues first. However, what I’ve learned (luckily from preparing with everyone’s advice here) is that it’s not what I’m saying but how I’m saying it, or more aptly how I’m demonstrating it, that often made the biggest difference.

Initial court hearings - calendars with specific dates and details as well as timelines helped me with the judge.
Mediator meetings - it was the photos and having court transcripts to support my claims that helped.
Curator meeting - the detailed list of ex’s behaviors negatively affecting kids with examples and children’s feelings finally broke through to her I think.

At the last 4 hearings the judge simply would look at me and calmly ask me to describe how things were going. I could calmly speak and she believed me without asking for further proofs since by that point she understood I was not a liar.

I guess in this sense I’m wondering in which way to prepare for this evaluation. There has been so much that has happened, and continues to, much of it extremely well hidden and lied about by ex, that it is hard (for me on the spot) to be concise and linearly convey to the professionals what is going on and how it hurts the kids. I’m thinking of bringing a modified list, starting from what have been my parenting tactics, to adequately support and raise my children healthily during everything that is going on.

Would it be normal/okay for a parent to bring this to an evaluation?

Lastly, thank you for the jujitsu article again, yes I’ve read it but I’ll read it again. It’s the repetition that helps me often.

Thanks again,
LAT

[ForeverDad]

I often describe how the professionals in and around family court view us, that when we expound why we concluded our ex has mental issues or personality disorders, they in effect tell us we aren't trained and shouldn't Play Doctor.  (You know, as when we were kids.)  That's why our advice here is to more or less emphasize our documentation of the poor behaviors.  Let the facts speak.  We of course still speak up but we have facts on our side.

My Custody Evaluation was handled by a child psychologist.  His initial report was concise and noted the issues and aspects about each parent.  Ten pages.  (Seems many CE reports are lengthy and detailed, almost so long a person could get lost in them.)  Then a little over one page for his summary.  I remember one apt quote, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."  He was excellent.  My lawyer said his reports were always trusted by the court.

GaGrl is so right, keep the focus on what is best for the children and make it obvious that you are the problem solver.  Even if they don't adopt all your solutions, in time they will see that you're working on solutions and not just complaining or obfuscating the issues.

Another thing my evaluator did was to watch each parent as we spent time with our child in his office.  His report stated I was more natural with him but mother was focused on making a good show.