BPD Husband and BPD Father?

[Andrana]

Hi,

Since we have learned that my husband most likely has BPD, and I am reading up about it, I am increasingly convinced that my Dad (who passed away when I was 20) may also have had it - there are so many similarities that I see looking back. Also, my Mum said she wanted to divorce him for emotional abuse, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

I was wondering, is it common to go from a BPD father to a BPD husband? Is there any further information on this out there?

Thank you 

[Notwendy]

Yes, but it may not necessarily be a father. Growing up in a family with a BPD member can result in some behavior patterns that can influence their choice of romantic partners. It also can create the tendency to tolerate or dismiss the "red flags" when dating someone, as they may somehow feel familiar to them or they learned to tolerate them growing up. It also can affect boundaries if a parent or other family member had poor boundaries.

Depending on what direction you wish to take with this, you might want to discuss it on the board for children of BPD parents.

Our families of origin can influence our behaviors in relationships and fortunately this is something we can work on so we can adapt behaviors that are more functional.

[formflier]

Our families of origin can influence our behaviors in relationships and fortunately this is something we can work on so we can adapt behaviors that are more functional.

Well said.

I'm curious what kind of behaviors got you thinking that both are BPD?

So glad you found us.  We "get it" and can help.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

My mother had BPD and I knew something was “off” about her at a young age. It wasn’t until many years later when I learned about BPD that I could identify what her issue was, as she was otherwise quite functional.

I married not one, but two BPD husbands!      

Thankfully my current husband is kind and mostly rational, unlike the first.

It’s very common to replicate family of origin issues in marriage. You are not alone.

[zachira]

You are not alone in wondering about your marriage to a husband who ressembles your father who likely had BPD. We are often sadly attracted to disordered people who are like a parent who raised us, unless we realize this. It takes courage to face how we have been impacted by having an emotionally challenged parent, as there can be a lot of pain, sorrow, and regret about people we have chosen to have in our lives. I am currently working on going No Contact with my sister with NPD and my brother with BPD, along with many disordered family members. Over the years, I have gotten better at choosing what kind of people I have in my inner circle, and have for the most part chosen better company, though I can never let my guard down as my picker is flawed though 90 percent improved. I recently realized that one of my friends has NPD, and I have let the relationship go with just feeling a slight bit of sadness and not become so emotionally overwhelmed like in the past. Overall, the people I am close to now, are fine people, though I have to sometimes work on feeling worthy of their company. You are asking a question that many of us on this site have asked ourselves so many times. Learn everything you can about disordered people and how to keep yourself safe by giving yourself the kind of life you deserve to share with people who model reciprocal caring respectful relationships.

[AskingWhy]

People have what psychologists call a repetition compulsion, a compulsion to see out R/Ss with people most like their FOO.  If one grew up in a family with BPD, we will seek out R/Ss with BPD partners.

My M was most likely BPD.  She grew up with an alcoholic F who beat his W (her M) and her siblings.  My M had all of the criteria for BPD.  My H is uBPD, as well, as was my first H.  My EX would dissociate and start into cuicide ideations.  He was horribly enmeshed with his mother.  My current H is volatile, but very functional at his job, but still angry and splits often.

My FIL is likely NPD or BPD.  People raised by BPDs become BPD themselves or horribly codependent.  I was the latter.