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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Did your BPD ex ever refer to themselves in the 3rd person?  (Read 360 times)
Andy1963
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« on: October 13, 2020, 06:37:57 AM »

Just a question for others
Did your BPD ex ever refer to themselves in the 3rd person?
My ex did this frequently,  especially in the early days
It was actually one of the red flags early on that alerted me to there being some underlying issue
Curious as to whether or not this is common?
« Last Edit: October 15, 2020, 02:26:19 AM by once removed » Logged
Ragdolllover

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« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2020, 07:26:50 AM »

Gosh it's so sad that there's so many people affected by this in a similar way.

My ex has blocked me this morning, so I  facing down the prospect of (unwanted) no contact the same as you...

I guess it just takes time in a way and some serious processing. I'm watching a lot of videos on how to move on. This has been my favourite so far...

https://youtu.be/W6BYAjhjt38
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jaded7
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« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2020, 07:34:01 PM »

I have found 2010s post to be a godsend
This below is something I have first hand experience of, its actually quite surreal,  as if someone is describing my experiences in detail

For instance, you could be driving a car with a person suffering from BPD in the passenger seat, and if the perception of your driving is poor (real or imagined, it doesn't matter)- a BPD will freak out because they feel a loss of the self. This leads to annihilation fears that they have attached to you and now regret that attachment. Their want increases their frustration of being their own person- which they cannot be without YOU. Unable to be in the driver's seat, their reaction is one of intense, locked pain. The learned helplessness has turned them into caged animals- and they must erupt in rage to lash out at their own inability to get free.

Andy. I literally had this experience in real life. I took her and her son to the airport once and she told me I had driven very dangerously and scared her son. I was flabbergasted....I'm an excellent driver, have never had an accident, and don't remember anything happening at all. She then, for a full year, would constantly remind me that I'm a sh**ty drive, horrible driver, and she is never riding with me again. I could not honestly believe she was saying it and didn't believe it. The week before I last saw her I offered to pick up her sister and niece and the airport for her and .....long, dramatic pause.....she said "your messing with me now". I said what? She said "your really playing with me, aren't you?" I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. She said "I told you you are the worst driver ever and I'm never riding with you again, and I'm never having a family member ride with you, and when you say these things it makes me feel like you don't listen to me".
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Andy1963
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« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2020, 02:22:22 AM »

The similarities are uncanny
A few months into our relationship we went on a trip to a city about two hours from home
She drove there and I was to drive back
As we were leaving the city to head home she suddenly started to get angry with me for my driving, like yourself I'm a very experienced and I believe, good driver, no accidents in 30 years of driving
By the time we had got to the outskirts of the city she was screaming at me.
I eventually said, 'do you want to drive'
' Yes she said, and I dropping you at the bus station so you can get a bus home, I don't want to be in the car with you'
I was incredulous, needless to say I refused to do that instead suggesting that we just don't speak for the whole journey back
Eventually she calmed down and apologised and things were essentially forgotten about
This sort of thing happened many many times during our time together, irrational and quite frightening ....
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Andy1963
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« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2020, 02:32:09 AM »

Essentially these are the glitches I have realised were a common theme throughout our relationship
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Andy1963
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« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2020, 05:29:55 AM »

Every night when we were apart I would send her songs, a display of how much I loved her and was thinking about her
This should have been the last song I sent as it speaks volumes

https://youtu.be/xO82mi-G6H0
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jaded7
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« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2020, 09:26:53 AM »

This driving thing I've heard several times on these boards. I think it's a way to both criticize and control, or a way of expressing being out of control.

I remember I once pulled up to a light preparing to turn right. The sign said no turns on red, I saw it and had no intention of turning on red. She started in on me for turning on red, which I hadn't done and had no intention of doing. She continued with reading my mind that I was going to turn on red and it would be wrong. I told her I had no intention of turning on red. She told me I was too close to the corner and it looked like I was going to turn on red. I told her again I wasn't and I wasn't even close to be too close to the corner. She continued with I'll get a ticket if I turn on red, I told her again that I'm not turning on red. And some point I said you are telling me you can read my mind? And that an officer would read my mind and give me a ticket for sitting here, completely still, waiting for the light to turn green, for a thought that I might turn on red???? A thought I didn't have??

It was crazy. Once on a long drive together with her son I asked her if she was tired and would like me to take over driving (she always had to drive...even before the 'incident'). I thought of asking this as a way to show love and shared responsibility and respect for her and to show her son how a man treats a woman with respect by sharing responsibilities....her response

Glare at me, "M......that's patronizing" Asking the woman you love if you can help with a long drive is patronizing.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2020, 09:44:53 AM »

The driving issue was a big thing for us for a long time , she then seemed to adjust and realise that it was her problem and not reality
So in the latter part of our relationship it was less of an issue
Its the irrationally about it that was so difficult to understand
Now I do understand
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Andy1963
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« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2020, 05:40:58 PM »

The actual reality of our breakup is starting to really hit now
For weeks I've been in limbo, self imposed,  where I sort of believed that it was all a fantasy
That she would contact me with a view to getting back together
Yet , this new relationship has put a whole new spin on things, I still, every day, feel incredulous that she has done this, over all the times we argued,  broke up etc, I still had this blind faith that we would get back together and resolve things,  even though it was essentially recycling,  and all I had to do was essentially do nothing and she came back and apologised and we carried on
But all of a sudden,  shes completely gone, its just so completely weird
Im still struggling to process it
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Andy1963
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« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2020, 04:18:32 PM »

Don't know why, but I spent some time earlier trawling through 3 years of messages between us, 1000s of messages
I needed some clarity, some understanding
A couple of things became clear
There was barely a week that passed when we didn't have a falling out, always due to her glitches and me trying to make sense of things and reason with her, but some things I had forgotten in the Fog
There was a period where she was completely accepting of the fact that she needed help, she constantly referred to her imbalance and promised to get help to fix herself, why did I forget the realness of this, the messages were so relevant. she told me I didn't deserve how she treated me, that she was the common denominator in all of her failed relationships
She actually used the word 'broken' to describe herself
My messages were always clear, supportive, stating my intentions to always be by her side, I had completely forgotten how raw it had become at that time
I suppose I eventually gave up hope that she would ever get the help she needed and gradually began to move away
This in turn, triggered her abandonment issues and she looked for a new source
That every word I said to her was heartfelt and that none of hers were hurts like hell
Yet our breakup was like breaking up with a stranger, and the night she met me to tell me she was in a new relationship was like talking to someone I barely knew, yet three weeks before she said I was the love of her life
What on earth is this all about. that you can devote yourself totally to someone, they tell you continually that you are their world, then suddenly, boom, they disappear
Why did I put myself through it?
I've no idea
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jaded7
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« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2020, 03:49:26 PM »

The actual reality of our breakup is starting to really hit now
For weeks I've been in limbo, self imposed,  where I sort of believed that it was all a fantasy
That she would contact me with a view to getting back together


I've been feeling this way for months too. I can't seem to let go. I keep thinking that she'll realize how kind and loving I was to her, how horribly she treated me, perhaps do some deep work to understand why she'd treat such a kind and loving soul the way she did, and then she'll contact me. This hasn't happened, and it leaves me with no closure since she just yelled and me and called me names over the phone and that was it....we never actually met, talked about the relationship, never said that it was over, etc.

I see below you went through all the messages. I would find that so painful to do, but it seems to have given you some clarity. You do have clarity....she told you she is disordered, you have in writing that she treated you horribly......that must be a relief.

I don't have any of that. I don't have a diagnosis for her, although my therapists all say that they are certain there is some kind of cluster b disorder going on, she never apologized for anything ever.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2020, 04:44:23 PM »

Yes it did give me clarity
But it was also extremely painful
Because amongst all the difficulties there were the messages that displayed our love for each other
At least my words of love, i always meant everything i said, i know now her words were mirroring
We need to hold firm on the reality that this a disorder
The disorder always wins, no-one is above it
Thats what has helped me so much, realising there was nothing i could have done to change this, believe me, i tried so so hard
I gave my heart and soul and every ounce of energy and emotion to it, it was and could never have ever been enough
The last time we met she acknowledged how good i had been to her
Yet i felt completely patronised
Knowledge is power, learn about this condition,  understand it, that will set you free
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Goosey
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« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2020, 07:37:17 AM »

Driving.
Haha.
I live on a rural road. Which no matter if you exit left or right out of driveway you end up on the  nearest highway. Same distance either way.
  Anytime I was driving and pulled out of driveway my (future ex) wife would snap “why are you going this way”.
I would play it in my head the minute we got in the car.
  Ah memories. 
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Andy1963
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« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2020, 10:37:15 AM »

Im at an interesting place in my head at the moment
My memories of her and our relationship are filled with the glitches and the upset she constantly caused
Her selfishness which knew no bounds and which she seemed oblivious to
Many strange patterns of behaviour,  she would say that she believed her own daughter was jealous of her??
They had a strained relationship,  in fact i think her daughter has BPD elements herself
But to state that she would be jealous of her own mother, who thinks like that?
Im wondering how long now before she glitches with the new man
Im an extremely patient person, i put up with things many men would never have accepted,  and to be honest, i really shouldn't have either
How long now before the cracks show and Martha ( my name for her alter ego)comes out to play....
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jaded7
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« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2020, 05:09:50 PM »

Im at an interesting place in my head at the moment
My memories of her and our relationship are filled with the glitches and the upset she constantly caused
Her selfishness which knew no bounds and which she seemed oblivious to
Many strange patterns of behaviour,  she would say that she believed her own daughter was jealous of her??
They had a strained relationship,  in fact i think her daughter has BPD elements herself
But to state that she would be jealous of her own mother, who thinks like that?
Im wondering how long now before she glitches with the new man
Im an extremely patient person, i put up with things many men would never have accepted,  and to be honest, i really shouldn't have either
How long now before the cracks show and Martha ( my name for her alter ego)comes out to play....


I'm patient too, accepting......but I also realize that there came a point in the relationship where I was bonded/attached in such a way that I was afraid to speak up, to tell her that language was inappropriate, that tone was condescending, that I deserved to be treated with respect, that cancelling commitments at the last second were disrespectful (when she had previously browbeat me for months that not keeping a Google calendar was childish and I had ruined an 'entire summer' by not keeping a calendar- have no idea what that means- so we sat together and made a calendar for the summer with nights and weekends we'd spend together....then she cancelled the first three at the last second, pretended to not remember scheduling a weekend at my place even though it was a shared calendar and she lives by looking at her calendar every day, many times a day), that yelling is no acceptable......I was afraid she'd leave me if I spoke up.
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jaded7
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« Reply #15 on: October 18, 2020, 05:18:49 PM »

I'm patient too, accepting......but I also realize that there came a point in the relationship where I was bonded/attached in such a way that I was afraid to speak up, to tell her that language was inappropriate, that tone was condescending, that I deserved to be treated with respect, that cancelling commitments at the last second were disrespectful (when she had previously browbeat me for months that not keeping a Google calendar was childish and I had ruined an 'entire summer' by not keeping a calendar- have no idea what that means- so we sat together and made a calendar for the summer with nights and weekends we'd spend together....then she cancelled the first three at the last second, pretended to not remember scheduling a weekend at my place even though it was a shared calendar and she lives by looking at her calendar every day, many times a day), that yelling is no acceptable......I was afraid she'd leave me if I spoke up.

And I would agree, almost all of her behavior was 'self-ish' what I need to do for her, what is wrong with me, what I'm not good at, what she 'needs', what I screwed up. I felt like my needs were never even considered. I need communication- days to respond to my texts, but if I took a day to respond to her huge attack. If I turned her down for sex huge fight attacking me and how I make her feel, she turned me down for sex and ignored my requests to come to my place for months....turned me down, angrily I should add, 4 times in a single weekend. I simply said ok, sleep well honey. But if I turn HER down, once, she explodes with anger. Never asked me if I needed help with anything, I constantly told her I'd be glad to help her with projects and jobs.

Never came to my business events, not once. I asked her and she said 'no'. Asked her to come to brewpub with me I wanted to explore (I like learning about different beer types), she laughed at the suggestion and said she hates brewpubs. Yet she asked me to come to all sorts of events for her social life- her son's theater group fundraisers, I volunteered for the shows, hung posters for it in my business...and I gladly did it. I told her I wanted to have a party at my place for her to meet friends and clients, she said "no, why would I want to be around a person like ______" and friend of mine she'd never met.

And so on....I ran a business where I was in there 7 days a week, often at 5:20 in the morning, never once offered to come in and help me with anything. She does an email marketing side job, told me I"m a sh*tty marketer, sh*tty businessman, but never once offered to help me with the marketing or anything else.
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Goosey
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« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2020, 06:55:52 PM »

My not yet ex just likes to contact me every few months and scream at me about what I have done for like 20 seconds then Hang.
  But she is in limited contact with our daughter and told her I should move on and that she has.
  It will click one of these days in my brain. 
 As for her new relationship. Hope he guards his finances closely.
  All about the purse.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #17 on: October 21, 2020, 04:11:02 AM »

So here I am today
After weeks of working hard at detachment, keeping myself busy with work and other activities
Trying so hard not to ruminate or dwell or think about her
Yet the urge to contact her has been overwhelming this morning
Really fighting the urge so hard
But bottom line is, I miss her
Of course I don't miss the abuse, the unpredictability, the volatility, the walking on eggshells, the self centeredness and total need for focus on her and her needs
I just miss her, those quiet moments when she lay in my arms and said that she loved me completely
Those words are constantly ringing in my ears like an echo
Yet as it has been said on here, forget the words, they mean nothing, the actions are the truth, all of them
I just need peace in my head.......
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Goosey
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« Reply #18 on: October 21, 2020, 06:32:41 AM »

Could have wrote that myself.
  It’s hard. It’s depressing. So I say to myself I have to snap out of this I’m not dead yet. Covid adds to the isolation.
   That’s ironic. My separated wife berated me about  my few life long friends. She bad mouthed them and accused me of socializing to the point I became very isolated. She demanded I not speak with our extended family.
  And here I am right where she wanted me and she has moved on and in relationships already. I miss a relationship immensely but I would never subject anyone to my conflicted damaged state. 
   Before sleep was the answer but now I have to be working to feel any worth. 
   It will get better as I am becoming more realistic of what has happened and accepting it.
  It’s like swimming madly in a ocean of turmoil and violence and he reaching a jutting rock on the other side and just sitting there looking out in shock.
   Clinical depression at this point. I’ll admit it.
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Goosey
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« Reply #19 on: October 21, 2020, 06:33:05 AM »

Sorry. Not very uplifting. All I got.
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stressftw
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« Reply #20 on: October 21, 2020, 07:13:07 AM »

Time will inevitably heal you
I was in your position several months ago
Alot of similarities
I couldnt even believe what was happening
Im feeling way better now, i was hopeless, suicidal, betrayed and in denial.
The scar will remain for the rest of your life, the difference is that it wont bother you anymore, eventually you will see clear through it, without the fog of the feelings
You will realize that it was a necessary step to make you stronger, u will eventually be thankful that things ended and your not linked to this person anymore
One of the best things one with BPD can do with their loved ones is to discard them. They are literally giving you a chance to shine, to seek plenitude. Their chaos is not what you really want and is not what you deserve, you know that. U can crave for her right now, but thats part of the trauma bond. Your are unchained now that might scares you, brings you alot of suffering, but it will subside. They unfortunaly are in pain and chained for life, and right now, they are handcuffing someone with them that will go through the same dance, same process just to numb their pain. They are trapped in their own cycle til the end of their lives, your pain now, is a demonstration of how painful is their condition. Only thing you can do is to heal, and be hopeful that current and new treatments can help her in the future cause no one deserves to suffer.

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brighter future
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« Reply #21 on: October 21, 2020, 07:41:04 AM »

Andy & Goosey,

You guys aren't alone. I feel the same exact feelings towards my ex-g/f. I miss the great times we had together while she was functioning well, the intimate moments, and I miss the way she used to look at me. In all of my years, I've never had a woman look at me that way she did. On the other hand, I do not miss her unpredictable moods, her constantly changing viewpoints and principles, and the self-centeredness. I feel like I was doing fairly well with things until I received her text message last week after 5 months of NC. Today, I feel like I'm starting  to rebound from that.

Like you said, their actions are the truth. I had something happen yesterday that reinforced that in regards to my ex. My attorney agreed to handle a post divorce matter for my ex-g/f (related to her ex-husband). He and I spoke last evening, and I asked him if they were able to finalize this matter. According to him, he lined up everything needed to complete the task, and all he needed was her to give the green light to proceed and fill out/sign some documents. Then he would file everything with the court for her.  He tried to reach her for weeks via text, email, and actual phone calls. Finally after many attempts, he said that he got a reply from her that was "very snarky and kind of rude" and never heard a word from her again. I said, "So she never followed up with you any further or offered to pay you for what you had already done?" He said she never offered to pay for what he'd done and that it wasn't a big deal, as he only had about 30 minutes of time into the whole matter. He was just going to cut his losses and forget about it. Funny thing is, told me this: "I'm so glad you didn't end up marrying this girl. I'm afraid that you would have gone down a similar road with her that you did with your ex-wife. You don't deserve to go through that twice."  He helped out during the final two years of my divorce/custody battle with my BPD ex-wife. You read that right. I have a BDP ex-wife, and a uBPD ex-g/f. I don't need anymore of these relationships!

Two days ago, I found out from my BPD ex-wife that she was going away to an inpatient treatment center again. This means I'll have to parent our child completely on my own while she's gone, which I do not mind. I have majority custody anyway.  This will be her 7th inpatient stay since 2013, and she's been in continuous treatment (including outpatient) since 2012. Both of my exes are messed up but my BPD ex-wife makes my uBPD ex-g/f look healthy.

Think healthy thoughts, do healthy things, and I will be thinking about you. I will do the same. Best wishes!
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jaded7
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« Reply #22 on: October 21, 2020, 08:19:10 PM »

@andy1963

Of course I don't miss the abuse, the unpredictability, the volatility, the walking on eggshells, the self centeredness and total need for focus on her and her needs
I just miss her, those quiet moments when she lay in my arms and said that she loved me completely
Those words are constantly ringing in my ears like an echo


I know. I know. I've been in the same state for months. I talk with my therapist, or a friend, and I recall how crazy she made me feel, the horrible things she said to me, the ghosting and the snapping, the evasiveness and the lies, and yet I miss her.

I simply can't make any sense of this. I'm not a stupid person, yet I can't get it through my head. I can even remember the days when she wasn't responding and the suffering they entailed, the wondering what I had done, why/if she was 'mad' at me, was she dumping me....etc.
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« Reply #23 on: October 21, 2020, 08:30:02 PM »

@stressftw

U can crave for her right now, but thats part of the trauma bond. Your are unchained now that might scares you, brings you alot of suffering, but it will subside.

Yes, me too. Crave is the right word.

But.....but. Do I deserve to be yelled at? No. Do I deserve to be ghosted for a week before Christmas, ridiculed and snapped at in front of her family at her son's show, then deserted (without a word) over Christmas while she went up to her family's place (and she told me she was going to have me up, like last year)....just packed up and left town without saying anything to me at all as I sat here alone Christmas morning with her Christmas present I was so excited to give her. No.

Her text to me on Christmas Eve "tired. going to take some time to recalibrate." I hadn't spoken to her in three days (the show, where she humiliated me), didn't even know where she was. She packed her car, got her stuff, and drove out of town without taking 4 seconds to text me or call. Do I deserve that? No.

And I hadn't spoken to her for 4 days before the show either, as she ignored calls and invitations to lunch and texts. Do I deserve that? No.
 
Do I deserve to called a "PLEASE READty driver"? No.
Do I deserve responses to communications? Yes. Do I deserve kind and caring language? Yes. Do I deserve to know what's happening at Christmas? Yes. Should I expect respectful communication? Yes.

Do I deserve to have my Christmas present to her last year called "stupid"? No
Do I deserve having her YELL at me "you're just trying cover your ass!!!" when I offer to go buy the food for our camping trip? No.

I could go on. The point is, we remember the loving times, the happy times.
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« Reply #24 on: October 22, 2020, 06:00:36 AM »

@stressftw

U can crave for her right now, but thats part of the trauma bond. Your are unchained now that might scares you, brings you alot of suffering, but it will subside.

Yes, me too. Crave is the right word.

But.....but. Do I deserve to be yelled at? No. Do I deserve to be ghosted for a week before Christmas, ridiculed and snapped at in front of her family at her son's show, then deserted (without a word) over Christmas while she went up to her family's place (and she told me she was going to have me up, like last year)....just packed up and left town without saying anything to me at all as I sat here alone Christmas morning with her Christmas present I was so excited to give her. No.

Her text to me on Christmas Eve "tired. going to take some time to recalibrate." I hadn't spoken to her in three days (the show, where she humiliated me), didn't even know where she was. She packed her car, got her stuff, and drove out of town without taking 4 seconds to text me or call. Do I deserve that? No.

And I hadn't spoken to her for 4 days before the show either, as she ignored calls and invitations to lunch and texts. Do I deserve that? No.
 
Do I deserve to called a "PLEASE READty driver"? No.
Do I deserve responses to communications? Yes. Do I deserve kind and caring language? Yes. Do I deserve to know what's happening at Christmas? Yes. Should I expect respectful communication? Yes.

Do I deserve to have my Christmas present to her last year called "stupid"? No
Do I deserve having her YELL at me "you're just trying cover your ass!!!" when I offer to go buy the food for our camping trip? No.

I could go on. The point is, we remember the loving times, the happy times.


U dont deserve any of this. Nobody does. Thats what hurt's the most.

Its the unexpected reality that suddenly hits us with all the lies, all the abuse, unfairness, falsehood and everything else u couldnt imagine from this person.
Unfortunately, most of BPDS and narcs arent good person. Their defense mechanism turn them into destructive and dishonest people. We cant blame them from the circunstances that made them like that, that doesnt mean they shouldnt hold account from what they do, and they will. The thing is, you wont see this, because u should take care of you, and taking caring of you means u should be away from this person.

Mine betrayed me, cheated on me while my mom was in hospital. Dumped me via message no closure. Made me feel like PLEASE READ, blocked me. To be with a person she didnt knew at all, she turned this person against me, and told everyone around her that i was crazy and that i deserve what she did.
She did that so she could protect herself, she was cruel, dishonest, hypocrite and everything u can name it.
I was literally lost, devastated. Im still heavily scarred inside. But she doesnt bring me pain anymore.
She took down one of the few persons that could be there for her. That loved and respected her.
Who's losing here? Me or her?

Im out of a relationship with someone dishonest, pathological lier, cheater, agressive and abusive.
Shes out of relationship with someone honest, that loved her, that never cheated and would never do that, and was comprehensive.

Now shes probably doing the same thing with someone that wont deserve that too.

Im free from this cycle, shes not.
Im free from someone abusive, shes not.
Because abusing people emotionally has a price and she only has to lose doing this.
She gave you the opportunity to seek someone healthy and lovable
There is someone out there that crave to find someone like you and truly love you back.
U still have a path to uncover with a new amazing person, and have a healthy relationship. Shes not.
The most perfect person in the world cant fill their emptiness, they idolize, but even their concept of "ideal person" changes. They are always suffering and perpetuating a suffering cycle, thats why they bash on the people they should love most.
With time u will have compassion for this person. Like some kind of wounded animal that you like but u have to keep distance so they cant bite and hurt you.
U cant win with them
When they are feeling "good" they feel superior to you, thus they inferiorize you, cheat on you and treat you like PLEASE READ.
When they are feeling "bad" they create a toxicity enviroment full of doubts creating problems everywhere and claiming they dont deserve to be loved by you
There is no middle ground for them
Fortunately your not them



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Andy1963
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: No contact
Posts: 74


« Reply #25 on: October 23, 2020, 09:55:02 AM »

So had my Therapy yesterday( telephone call)
And as I feared the lack of knowledge of BPD was clear
However she did seems to acknowledge that I was suffering from a form of PTSD and had obviously been deeply traumatised by the relationship and that it was extremely toxic
The main focus was on ensuring I wouldn't do anything stupid and to find some mechanism to continue healing
I mentioned the help and support that I was getting on here and she advised that this was probably the best source of additional healing as members on here have similar experiences and there is a lot of knowledge on the impact of BPD relationships
She stopped short of agreeing further psychiatry and encouraged me to pursue more self help resources
I feel as if no-one outside of this site truly understands the deep impact BPDs can have on us
I've struggled today after a couple of ok days
I'm alone this weekend due to restrictions that have came into force where I live
Really not looking forward to this weekend at all...
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Vykyng

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12


« Reply #26 on: October 23, 2020, 10:46:25 AM »

This whole string is enlightening to me. My wife always wants me to drive, but then complains non-stop about it, calling it dangerous, saying I make her car sick, calling me irresponsible for driving like I'm the only one if the car instead of driving like my family was in the car. Driving is a direct control activity, so while it might make sense that someone with BPD would react this way, it didn't help my understanding of how to deal with and react to it because the thought process that goes into it is so foreign to me. All it feels like is arbitrary berating and mistrust which is damaging to any relationship.

I haven't been able to make sense of any of my wife's behavior for a long time, but I internalized it because I cared about her and wanted to provide for her the best I could. I tired to keep the peace and took responsibility where I should not have. I've withstood all the treatment I've read about - anger at driving, rejection of gifts that I put time and effort into planning, disrespectful communication, and worse. I realize now that my efforts to make things better only worsened them. That seems to be a common thread with the non-BPDs until they realize what is happening.

The troubling thing for me is seeing so many posters who have separated from their BPD partner as an outcome. Please understand that I am not being judgmental here: I respect everyone's choices and everyone's experience is their own. It is troubling to me because I am brand new to my enlightenment about BPD and am hoping that there is another viable path because I care for my wife and would like to get her the help she needs to ground herself and release her from the daily prison of fear and anxiety that BPD may be creating for her, and I have children who need a stable parent in their lives.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel that doesn't involve separation?
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Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 145


« Reply #27 on: October 23, 2020, 07:46:48 PM »

I hope so.

 
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Goosey
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 145


« Reply #28 on: October 23, 2020, 07:54:42 PM »

Sorry I typed a whole timeline of my ordeal then realized it was not what you where asking for.
  I failed at saving my relationship.
I do know from being on this site there are ways to engage and disengage that are helpful.
  “Walking on eggshells” is good read.
 I’m sure more enlightened folks will give you some tips.
Sincerely wish you the best. I do understand your pain.
  In retrospect I wish I understood then what I do now.
Hindsight is a b.... 
  Have a decent weekend.
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jaded7
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: unclear
Posts: 158


« Reply #29 on: October 24, 2020, 07:48:07 PM »

@stressftw

If you can truly believe this, you are free!

Im out of a relationship with someone dishonest, pathological lier, cheater, agressive and abusive.
She's out of relationship with someone honest, that loved her, that never cheated and would never do that, and was comprehensive.


I'm working on getting to this. You mentioned, or someone did, the concept of trying to help a wounded animal in the forest and it kicks and bites you. I used that exact same analogy with my therapist.

And thank you for your kind words about how I didn't deserve that. I could, and I mean literally could, write out several pages of things that happened and things she said to me and the ghosting, evasion, etc. Such guilt and toxic shame I have.

Andy...how are you doing?

And the driving....just so strange to me.
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