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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: One year after a break-up with NPD/BPD ex-gf. New Romantic Adventures.  (Read 147 times)
Pytagoras
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: October 18, 2020, 01:13:56 PM »

It's been now 13 months since me and my ex-NPD/BPD gf broke up. I now feel almost 100% free from that r/s. Sometimes i still feel angry, but very rarely.

Since 6 month ago i feel peaceful and happy inside, something i didn't felt for years.

She tried to friend request me on FB, 3 times. At the third i accepted since i feel free from her and doesnt bother me anymore. Then she called me 1 month ago. I answered the phone,  because i didn't recognise the number. Our talk was friendly. She said we didn't worked out as a couple but i am part of her life. I told her about lot of the lies, cheating and more aspects she did to me. She apologized. She said she is in another country now, with a new bf and trying to be better (she always seems so mature when you listen to her).

And we never spoke again. I feel good with that. Doesn't bother me.

Now i am dating a girl, since 4 and half months. She is a Psychologist like me and as far as can see, she is not BPD. But still, something strange is happening. She is really idealizing me, saying that i am the one, that feels for me like she never felt for everyone and i really can see the intensity of her feelings.

But then, out of the blue, she breaks up for minor things. Things that i couldnt really guess and makes me feel perplexed. The fist time it was because i didnt add a friend of hers in a facebook group, as she asked me, and because i didn't watch 2 or 3 videos she shared with me (i was working a lot at the time and i forgot). The rest was perfect. But she managed somehow to deduce that those minor things were enough to break up. I chased her to ask what happened. She explained. I said I would try to pay more attention and two days after we were back and she was fully in love again. Then, 1 month later, again. Broke out of the blue and after we speak, we make up again, and she was fully in love and considering me to be perfect again.

I told her she overreacted and even if she had some valid motives, she had to speak with me first, not break up and expected me to chase her. That was not mature.

Now, again. After two month of a very good r/s, she said she wanted to talk with me and what she had to say is that she didn't want to be with me anymore. Because "our personalities don't match". LOL. Even when one day before and in the two months prior i was perfect. Even when saying me that, she was staring at me with those pationate eyes. I could even easily grabed her and kissed her. But i just went away. This is violence. Terminating the r/s like this it's not the way to do things. Maybe that's the way she has to express displeasure? Maybe. But it's the third time she does this to me. And i don't want this anymore. We dont fight, there was nothing bad in our r/s except for this break-ups out of the blue. Her intense idealization is also a red flag, but i dont think she is BPD. I just think she is very imature despite being a psychologist and 37y.

Before this girl I was in another 3 or 4 months r/s and the girl was a good girl, but because of past traumas, she gets really angry sometimes and that disrupts everything. Out of the blue of with minor things (not with me, but with things that happens). She was not BPD either and she recognized the agressive problem she has. But we distanced from each other (in the past few weeks she is trying to get near me again).

It seems that i am in this "instability" pattern, where some disruptive things come out of the blue in r/s. And that makes me anxious. I don't think i have anything to do with it. I dont have the same guilt i used to have. But of course, the pattern is mine, and that's something i have to work out.

But still, i feel sorry. I really was starting to like the last girl (broke up with me yesterday). We could make up if chased her, but i don't want to do that, because i cant permit that she breaks up with me out of the blue just because something is bothering her, when something is not 100% perfect. That's not the way one solve things up.

Any thoughts?
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dindin
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating
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« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2020, 02:22:03 AM »

She tried to friend request me on FB, 3 times. At the third i accepted since i feel free from her and doesnt bother me anymore.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Then she called me 1 month ago. I answered the phone,  because i didn't recognise the number. Our talk was friendly.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

She is a Psychologist like me and as far as can see, she is not BPD. She is really idealizing me, saying that i am the one, that feels for me like she never felt for everyone and i really can see the intensity of her feelings.But then, out of the blue, she breaks up for minor things.

If that doesn't make you think she has BPD traits, then what would? Also people with personality disorders often choose that profession, to help themselves, so it's a double whammy of disfunction.

Before this girl I was in another 3 or 4 months r/s.

So if my math is right, you were single only for 2-3 months after the relationship with pwbpd? How does that work?
I'm not trying to be a **** here, but haven't you spent any time healing from codependency while single? It sounds like you land again and again in the arms of someone who's at least emotionally unstable. Do you think that is a coincidance that you end up attaching to someone so early? We are talking 3-4 months mark, where a more grounded person, at the first sight of someone acting crazy with made-up break-ups, whouln't even think twice of walking away.
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crushedagain
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« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2020, 12:13:03 PM »

But then, out of the blue, she breaks up for minor things. Things that i couldnt really guess and makes me feel perplexed. The fist time it was because i didnt add a friend of hers in a facebook group, as she asked me, and because i didn't watch 2 or 3 videos she shared with me (i was working a lot at the time and i forgot). The rest was perfect. But she managed somehow to deduce that those minor things were enough to break up.

This is a major red flag. This woman does not respect you or the relationship at all. One of my boundaries after my relationship with my BPD exgf is that if a woman breaks up with me, it is over forever. You can't ever undo that damage.
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« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2020, 02:04:27 AM »

welcome back, Pytagoras. its good to see you again.

all of us came here as a result of a dysfunctional relationship that finally broke. there is a real learning curve when it comes to getting back in the dating world. i personally got into two relationships where i honestly dont know what in the world i was doing, big mistakes. its hard to admit, but i had some immature ideas of what a healthy, intimate relationship looked like. i had a lot of immaturity of my own.

thats part of what dating is about, really. discovering who we are, who others are, making better choices, and how it all fits together. to be successful in love, that discovery needs to evolve.

Excerpt
She is really idealizing me, saying that i am the one, that feels for me like she never felt for everyone and i really can see the intensity of her feelings.

we all idealize new romantic partners. ive probably told every girl ive ever been with that they were the most beautiful girl in the world, or some variation of that.

the issue is really what we make of it, and what we do with it...how we respond to it. its neither something to be afraid of, or something to over invest in.

it may be that the person has stronger feelings than you do. it may be that the person is feeling vulnerable and trying to connect more deeply with you. it may be a lot of things, but determining whether its something that is pathological and a sign of say, extreme black and white thinking, is difficult if not impossible in the early stages of a relationship, and probably hypervigilant.

Excerpt
i didn't watch 2 or 3 videos she shared with me (i was working a lot at the time and i forgot).

youre going to see a lot of this in the dating world, Pytagoras. we all spend a lot of the early stages of a relationship trying to teach someone how to love us. for a lot of women (men too) it can come in the form of videos, or inspirational quotes, or relationship compatibility quizzes, etc. for me, its trying to share my favorite music or movies. and not engaging can be interpreted as a lack of interest, lack of commitment, or even rejection.

thats not to say you were wrong or messed up. its clear this relationship didnt, and wasnt going to work out. its just to say you will run into this again.

Excerpt
But then, out of the blue, she breaks up for minor things

its not a great sign. its also not at all uncommon, in the early stages of a relationship, for a breakup to occur over minor things. i knew a girl who broke up with a guy because he ate his ice cream with a fork. it happens. but i think the real lesson here is that if there are multiple breakups/makeups in the span of 4 months, you have a relationship that is pretty unlikely to stabilize.

Excerpt
"our personalities don't match"

isnt that ultimately what it boils down to?

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