Long distance help

[PinkandGreenOwl]

Hello,
I’m in a pretty fragile relationship with someone who was fairly recently diagnosed with BPD/EUPD. He’s known for a while that’s what he had but only just got it formally recognised. The relationship is fragile because just over a month ago I actually left as I was struggling to cope and my own mental health was suffering badly. We are working with therapists together and separately to resolve what happened but it’s made things extremely difficult.
I’m currently away visiting family on my own and I’ll be away from my partner for the next 4 weeks or so, which my SO is finding very difficult to deal with. He’s expressed difficulty sleeping again despite being on strong medication to help with this. I’m fearful that his abandonment fears are making him worse, not least because I left in the past, but I need to be able to be away from him without feeling guilty. He’s said that he’s chosen to trust me but it’s not evident that he does. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks
PinkandGreenOwl

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there PinkandGreen -

Welcome to our community.  Most of us are in pain, very confused and in extremely vulnerable condition when we first arrive here, so you’re in good company, my friend.    I hope you’ll continue to post as you learn to navigate the challenges in your relationship with your BPDbf, while engaging in self-care - essential when you’re in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD). 

I’m really glad that you’re taking the time to replenish your spirit with family time.  It is so important for you to retain your own support network and NOT become isolated.

So for clarification, can you please provide a bit of background-

*how long have you been together? 
*What are his most upsetting behaviors for you? 
*Is he ACTIVELY engaged in and dedicated to his therapy and understanding his BPD diagnosis?

*Is this trip to see your family directly related to an upsetting episode your BPDbf had or an argument?  If so, can you provide a bit of detail?

When your BPDbf says he has “chosen to trust you”, what do you think he means by that statement? Have there been any instances of perceived  infidelity or dating other people during periods of separation?  Or is he trusting you to return when you say you will?  Or is it something completely different?  Your thoughts?

Once we know a bit more about your take on his take on trust , we can better explore how to respond. 

But yes, many but not all pwBPD suffer from fear of abandonment. 

What IS vital is that your BF needs to learn to self-soothe.  And whether that comes through music, meditation apps, light stretches before bed, warm milk, a bubble bath or strong meds... he’s an adult and you’re NOT a pacifier.  You want to be supportive without sacrificing and sabotaging your own health and wellbeing, which can easily happen if you’re not extremely careful.

Again, welcome.  And I do hope you’ll explore this incredibly helpful site and continue to engage.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

[PinkandGreenOwl]

Thank you so much Gemsforeyes!
We've been together for about 10 months, nearly 11 months - things progressed very quickly and we ended up locking down together in March at his place with his housemate, we'd only been together for 6 maybe 7 weeks before this!
The most difficult things are working out whether he is trying to make me feel guilty on purpose or whether that's me putting pressure on myself, and how cold he can be when he's having a bad time, and also how clingy he can be, so much so that it's quite smothering at times.
I left a month ago because I felt trapped, I felt like I couldn't tell him how much I was struggling because when I'd tried in the past it blew up in my face. I also feared what he'd do to himself if I left. I felt like I had to leave to rescue myself so I did. He then attempted suicide following this which confirmed my fears but has made us both realise we need to work on ourselves if we want to maintain this relationship.
I believe he is actively engaged and has a fairly good understanding of his BPD diagnosis. I worry that he's finding it hard to accept how abusive his BPD makes him at times - he doesn't intend to be, but he is. I am working on my understanding so I can better support myself in the relationship whilst giving him what he needs where I can.
The trip to see family is actually to help them through a stressful time - they're moving house and need my help and support - but it's also to give me space to heal following me leaving the first time, and hopefully will serve as evidence to him that I can go away for periods of time on my own but will always come back. He keeps expressing that he's worried I won't come back, which is understandable after the way I left the first time but difficult to bear.
I asked him to choose to trust me as we are now both dedicated to working on our partnership. He said he had chosen to trust me and things got a little better for a while, but when I left again at the weekend he really struggled and has now had two sleepless nights which I feel extremely guilty for. I keep reassuring him I love him and I'm looking forward to coming back and living together again but he doubtfully hmms and says 'we've got to get there first'.
I thank you for your words about not being a pacifier. I hope that this time apart allows him time to learn how to look after himself when he's on his own. He has friends around him if he needs them, but he is in the flat on his own which does frighten me somewhat.
I hope that's helpful, happy to answer any other questions you might have. I'm very glad to have found this community and I'm grateful for the support you've shown me already so far. Thanks