Dealing with your own family members

[alleyesonme]

I'm currently going through a divorce from a BP. I have clearly and consistently communicated with my family for a long time now that my stbEX very likely has BPD. Several family members have read Stop Walking on Eggshells at my request, and most people in my family realize what I have gone through and are being supportive.

The other day, though, two of my close family members made comments that really bothered me. One was saying that the best advice she'd ever heard was that the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love his wife. She went on to say that, because our marriage has failed, I clearly didn't do a good enough job of this.

The other comment made was basically doubting my judgement, as this relative pointed out that in my vows at my wedding, I said that I wanted to be with my stbEX forever. And if my judgement was that bad then, anything I say or think moving forward needs to be questioned.

These are two obviously absurd comments that can easily be picked apart, and I realize that. But do you all have any tips for dealing with relatives like that? This is already a terrible experience to go through, and then comments like that just make it even worse.

[CoherentMoose]

Ouch.  Sounds like a judgement coming from someone who has no idea what life is/was like for you.  I like the quote from the Bible "He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her". In this particular case, perhaps you can disarm the situation by saying something like "I'm sorry I've not measured up to your expectations, but after much reflection and pain I am comfortable with the path I've chosen."  The other approach is to just let it slide off of you like water from a Duck's back.  Those comments say a lot more about them than it does about you.  Best of luck with your path.  CoMo

[mart555]

Ignore.   Unless people have tried living (and divorcing!) someone with BPD (or NPD), they have NO CLUE what it's like and are not in a position to judge.  They might also say this because they are in a terrible marriage but are too afraid of leaving. 

Focus on yourself, it's what matters.

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like they're unconsciously acting like marriage counselors.  A marriage counselor typically tries to get the spouses to restore their relationship.  However both spouses would have to work at it.  One pushing and the other pulling, especially over time, is a recipe for failure.  And... an experienced marriage counselor will recognize when a marriage is dysfunctional, unhealthy and not responding positively to counsel.

And mentioning the vows or promises is too simplistic, it doesn't account for subsequent serious problems.  I think it's called "irreconcilable".

The Bible does mention divorce, it doesn't advocate it but it accepts that reality since people since the days of Adam and Eve have all been imperfect.

[MeandThee29]

I got all that from my ex's family. Not at all from my family, but my family is more informed and aware of mental health issues and how they wreck havoc on individuals.

I had to come to my own moment of clarity where I knew what I experienced and that the relationship had to end because very little effort had been made on the BPD issues (there was also some comorbidity, all documented by a clinical psychologist). I had to stand in my own truth and go forward. That's a lonely, hard place, but it had to be. I was completely at my wit's end and had to save myself. There are people that I am no longer in contact with because of that.

I truly believe that if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't be here. My health was failing, and mentally I wasn't in a good place. I got through the high conflict divorce in 2019 and am still in a periodically stormy closeout, but so much better now. Everything should be completely over in 2021.

Even his attorney told my legal team that he felt very sorry for me and couldn't imagine what I went through.

[Peppery]

I'm currently going through a divorce from a BP. I have clearly and consistently communicated with my family for a long time now that my stbEX very likely has BPD. Several family members have read Stop Walking on Eggshells at my request, and most people in my family realize what I have gone through and are being supportive.

The other day, though, two of my close family members made comments that really bothered me. One was saying that the best advice she'd ever heard was that the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love his wife. She went on to say that, because our marriage has failed, I clearly didn't do a good enough job of this.

Oh dear! Are you from the south? I am cringing with flashbacks of those who want to offer overly-simplistic suggestions and philosophies for very complex psychological illnesses that they know nothing about and are uninterested in learning about.

Do whatever it takes to protect yourself so you can parent in an effective way during this highly charged time.  I, personally, shut down conversations about mental illness unless I am positive the other person is educated about it or, at least, is not a judger. "Thank you so much for your judgments and advice but this is not something I'm willing to discuss". If they have the audacity to offer unsolicited advice and judgments - it is very acceptable to graciously let them know the subject is not open.


The other comment made was basically doubting my judgement, as this relative pointed out that in my vows at my wedding, I said that I wanted to be with my stbEX forever. And if my judgement was that bad then, anything I say or think moving forward needs to be questioned.

These are two obviously absurd comments that can easily be picked apart, and I realize that. But do you all have any tips for dealing with relatives like that? This is already a terrible experience to go through, and then comments like that just make it even worse.

[Goosey]

My mother in law has been supportive of my deciding to file  for divorce. Better for all.

[alleyesonme]

Ouch.  Sounds like a judgement coming from someone who has no idea what life is/was like for you.  I like the quote from the Bible "He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her". In this particular case, perhaps you can disarm the situation by saying something like "I'm sorry I've not measured up to your expectations, but after much reflection and pain I am comfortable with the path I've chosen."  The other approach is to just let it slide off of you like water from a Duck's back.  Those comments say a lot more about them than it does about you.  Best of luck with your path.  CoMo

Thank you. I've been trying your approach, and it's helping for the most part. This is just such a hard process to begin with though, and having to withstand these verbal attacks from loved ones makes it that much worse.

[alleyesonme]

Ignore.   Unless people have tried living (and divorcing!) someone with BPD (or NPD), they have NO CLUE what it's like and are not in a position to judge.  They might also say this because they are in a terrible marriage but are too afraid of leaving. 

Focus on yourself, it's what matters.

Exactly, and this is what I've tried to keep in mind. Where it gets complicated is that this is such a confusing process, and I need people to go to for advice/support. I've learned to get support from others, but still need advice from some of the people that are making these stupid remarks. Knowing them, if I set too hard of a boundary (ie I want your advice, but zero criticism for what you view as past mistakes that I've made), they'll just stop giving me any advice at all. That's what makes this tricky.

[alleyesonme]

It sounds like they're unconsciously acting like marriage counselors.  A marriage counselor typically tries to get the spouses to restore their relationship.  However both spouses would have to work at it.  One pushing and the other pulling, especially over time, is a recipe for failure.  And... an experienced marriage counselor will recognize when a marriage is dysfunctional, unhealthy and not responding positively to counsel.

And mentioning the vows or promises is too simplistic, it doesn't account for subsequent serious problems.  I think it's called "irreconcilable".

The Bible does mention divorce, it doesn't advocate it but it accepts that reality since people since the days of Adam and Eve have all been imperfect.

You're definitely onto something here. Another issue is that none of these people have any idea what it's like to live with - and try to raise a child with - a spouse that has BPD. They're trying to give advice as if we were two "normal" people that have flaws but can "work it out" if they really try.

[alleyesonme]

I got all that from my ex's family. Not at all from my family, but my family is more informed and aware of mental health issues and how they wreck havoc on individuals.

I had to come to my own moment of clarity where I knew what I experienced and that the relationship had to end because very little effort had been made on the BPD issues (there was also some comorbidity, all documented by a clinical psychologist). I had to stand in my own truth and go forward. That's a lonely, hard place, but it had to be. I was completely at my wit's end and had to save myself. There are people that I am no longer in contact with because of that.

I truly believe that if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't be here. My health was failing, and mentally I wasn't in a good place. I got through the high conflict divorce in 2019 and am still in a periodically stormy closeout, but so much better now. Everything should be completely over in 2021.

Even his attorney told my legal team that he felt very sorry for me and couldn't imagine what I went through.

You're such a strong person! I'm currently going through a really hard time, and re-reading your post really helped to inspire me to persevere. Thank you!

[alleyesonme]

No, I'm from the Northeast. Unfortunately, it seems like this divorce has exposed some of my loved ones as ignorant and judgmental.