Getting close to needing to live separately

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everybody.

I am just exhausted emotionally from all of the things that have been going on lately in my life, and I am getting close to separating, at least temporarily, with my wife w/BPD. We have been married for 10 years. I am also a teacher, so this is an especially exhausting time. I try to use positive coping skills like exercise, journaling, coloring, and self-soothing for myself.

She recently was sent for Inpatient Hospitalization #14. She said she "told the doctors what they wanted to hear" so she could get out of the hospital the last time. Then she told a therapist that she has strong desires of self-harm with knives. She later revealed a plan to overdose on pills. She says that she is worthless and does everything wrong. I understand that is the depression talking, but it is reality to her. She was sent to a State-run psychiatric facility, & I am expecting her there for 10-30 days.

She has completed 2 rounds of DBT. It seemed to work well and help her, but once the DBT stopped, she stopped trying to apply any of the skills. She says she does not want to repeat DBT again. At a core she will not accept herself for who she is. She also did ECT ElectroConvulsive Therapy last summer, but it showed minimal placebo effects. She has expressed some interest in setting up Case Management, however our insurance will not pay for it, so she would pay out of pocket. I don't know if it will really help her if she is not willing to apply any skills or accept herself. I am starting to realize no amount of treatment or therapy will help someone unwilling to accept themselves as a worthy human being.

Throughout all of this I am concerned about the impacts on my 7 year old daughter. So far she seems to be coping well, but I think most of this she does not understand. Right now my wife is a danger to herself, and can not be the guardian of my daughter since her school is closed due to Covid-19. I definitely have a priority of getting educational custody.

Anyway, my wife and I are already financially separated, and I plan to meet with my lawyer to get information about making an Amendment where my wife would live separately (probably with her parents). He says I have a good shot of getting Monday-Friday educational custody of my daughter and working out a system of which weekends she would have visitation. This could either be a short term (weeks) or long term solution (months or years).

I haven't decided if I will even give Case Management one more shot. I am doubtful it will have much of an impact. I will probably ask my lawyer for his advice. I plan to have the drafts of the amendments ready in case I decide to use them.

Divorce is not a bridge I am willing to cross for now, but that would obviously be a permanent decision. If I do announce that I am filing the separation Amendment, it would be while she is hospitalized.

[Michael43]

Hi everybody.

I am just exhausted emotionally from all of the things that have been going on lately in my life, and I am getting close to separating, at least temporarily, with my wife w/BPD. We have been married for 10 years. I am also a teacher, so this is an especially exhausting time. I try to use positive coping skills like exercise, journaling, coloring, and self-soothing for myself.

She recently was sent for Inpatient Hospitalization #14. She said she "told the doctors what they wanted to hear" so she could get out of the hospital the last time. Then she told a therapist that she has strong desires of self-harm with knives. She later revealed a plan to overdose on pills. She says that she is worthless and does everything wrong. I understand that is the depression talking, but it is reality to her. She was sent to a State-run psychiatric facility, & I am expecting her there for 10-30 days.

She has completed 2 rounds of DBT. It seemed to work well and help her, but once the DBT stopped, she stopped trying to apply any of the skills. She says she does not want to repeat DBT again. At a core she will not accept herself for who she is. She also did ECT ElectroConvulsive Therapy last summer, but it showed minimal placebo effects. She has expressed some interest in setting up Case Management, however our insurance will not pay for it, so she would pay out of pocket. I don't know if it will really help her if she is not willing to apply any skills or accept herself. I am starting to realize no amount of treatment or therapy will help someone unwilling to accept themselves as a worthy human being.

Throughout all of this I am concerned about the impacts on my 7 year old daughter. So far she seems to be coping well, but I think most of this she does not understand. Right now my wife is a danger to herself, and can not be the guardian of my daughter since her school is closed due to Covid-19. I definitely have a priority of getting educational custody.

Anyway, my wife and I are already financially separated, and I plan to meet with my lawyer to get information about making an Amendment where my wife would live separately (probably with her parents). He says I have a good shot of getting Monday-Friday educational custody of my daughter and working out a system of which weekends she would have visitation. This could either be a short term (weeks) or long term solution (months or years).

I haven't decided if I will even give Case Management one more shot. I am doubtful it will have much of an impact. I will probably ask my lawyer for his advice. I plan to have the drafts of the amendments ready in case I decide to use them.

Divorce is not a bridge I am willing to cross for now, but that would obviously be a permanent decision. If I do announce that I am filing the separation Amendment, it would be while she is hospitalized.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you’re thinking this through clearly and carefully. How can we be of support?

[Michael43]

It sounds like you’re thinking this through clearly and carefully. How can we be of support?

I guess I just want validation that I am thinking things through and that this is not a "knee jerk" reaction. I like to use the oxygen mask analogy. I need to put my oxygen mask on first in taking care of myself & supporting my daughter. I think her level of functioning has become too low for her to stay with me & my daughter for now. Again, not looking at divorce, but getting close to needing at least a temporary break.

[Cat Familiar]

So what’s the next step?

[formflier]

I haven't decided if I will even give Case Management one more shot. I am doubtful it will have much of an impact. I will probably ask my lawyer for his advice. I plan to have the drafts of the amendments ready in case I decide to use them.

 

How much time/effort would case management take?

My first reaction to reading this is to do all of it...

Why leave any stone unturned?

Best,

FF

[Michael43]

How much time/effort would case management take?

My first reaction to reading this is to do all of it...

Why leave any stone unturned?

Best,

FF

As of right now the plan is to have her go with her parents for 7-14 days, and assess her level of functionality. I still am meeting with an attorney to at least draft paperwork and get input of whether it should be filed via courts or something more informal. I think the Case Management is a good idea, and it could help her with her daily functioning, life goals, and managing her daily life. I am thinking of encouraging her to set it up & attending her referral therapy appointment to be referred for Case Management.