Lost

[Seabird]

I am lost.
I have tried for the past year to help my adult daughter, getting practically nowhere. We tried family DBT therapy, she quit. We tried me validating her feelings, which I continue to work on, but that has barely made a dent. She has psychotic symptoms, her memory of how she came to be in this place puts all the blame on abuse by me on her.
I feel like I am the lightning rod for all her troubles.
She blames me and tells me again and again if I  admit  the truth, if I tell her I have abused her, we can heal- but nothing I say or do can fix her I know by now. She does not have self-awareness in our relationship. She dropped out of graduate school in December 2019 and has been stuck since. She moved out about a month and a half ago because I made her leave- she would not respect even the smallest boundary from me in my house, and her pot smoking inside the home, even after I asked her multiple times to not smoke in the house, was out of control. She smoked all day and in the middle of the night. She is now with her father who suffers from much of the same as she,  I am afraid, and she wants to come back but she has not changed. I am so afraid for her, but i am also afraid for the rest of us. We love her and it is so painful to see her sabotage her life like this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome and you are not alone.
Good for you for establishing boundaries with your adult daughter.  Stay the course there.  You can click on my name for more backstory , but I had to get a retraining order against my adult son due to his violence.  He graduated college, but completely fell down the tubes once he came home and I "helped "him by allowing him to live with me for 2 years thereafter.  I understand not being able to have an adult child come back to the fold without making any attempt to help themselves/ make a change. 
We are all pretty much the bad guy in our adult kids; stories.  This is what helps me" What others think of me is none of my business".  Please know there is no pleasing/ magic phrase that snaps them out of their sickness. 

Have a look around.  Look under " What did I do to cause this?" in the forum ( hint: you didn't cause this).  Read all you can about BPD , and stand your ground.  I know the Holidays are coming, covid is here, and it is extra hard this year . 
Write here as often as you need to.
 

[HurtBrooklyn]

Dear Seabird: I'm sorry for your heartache. I'm a newbie in the group, so I don't have any advice. I'm struggling to find my way with my adult daughter, who has her own place, but still finds ways to make certain I know that my abuse of her (and she has a litany of my offenses that she often repeats to me) has caused all of her pain and suffering.  Interestingly, she has a great career, many friends, a lovely six-year old son, and she just bought her own house. A previous post says "we are always the bad guys in our children's stories." That is certainly true for me.

So you are not alone. You have tried so hard to make things work. I hope you can rest in that knowledge. I also hope you can take care of yourself. Come back to the group often.