Ex BPD/ NPD Wife Alienating my kids - what to do?

[calidad]

I am in California. I've been through several ugly rounds of custody battles with my ex. She won a move away a few years ago after paying off the custody evaluator so I have 28% custody.

She just divorced her second husband. He called me and shared with me about 25 things she's been saying to my 12 year old kids:

Daddy doesn't care about you
Daddy wants take you away from me
Daddy wants to hurt me
Dad wants to get back at me
Your dad is very angry and dangerous
Dad only cares about himself

She told her new ex that she would make sure these kids hate me and never want to talk to me, after our last custody battle.

The kids have said things to me over the years - but few and far between. In the last year, they've become very tight lipped. She tried to pull them out of school 2 months ago and home school them without my permission (We have joint legal custody). I had to force them back into school and she involved the kids in all this - saying "dad won't let us do our 'home school experiment'. He doesn't understand us. " She even put in writing on talking parents that she was talking to them about the school and got them involved in hiring the teacher. She's said three times in writing that she talks to them about their custody and says it's "her way" and it's not wrong.

Most disturbing, one of them told her ex 6 months ago 'mom says I don't have to live with dad when I'm 14'. 

So I spoke to my lawyer who said in California it's nearly impossible to get a Parental Alienation judgment and that judges hate that word. The only way she says is to have a custody evaluator interview the kids and ask them. At this point they will definitely lie to protect their mother.

So what am I to do? Just watch as they slowly slip away and eventually they disappear and I'm cut out? Is my lawyer being too pessimistic? Maybe she's not the right lawyer?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[CoherentMoose]

My GF and I are dealing with similar issues.  xBPDh has told the older boy he doesn't have to come over to Mom's when he turns 13 if he doesn't want to.  Are your children in counseling?  We are taking steps to get the children into counseling to help deal with the conflicting emotions.  Unfortunately for us, they have to be legal steps because xBPDh will not sign the forms required.  Something else to consider is read Bill Eddy's book "Don't alienate the kids", and "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.  I've also read the Childress discussion on jiu jitsu parenting.  The challenge is to consistently implement the advice of validate and asking questions.  Good luck.  CoMo

[zachira]

I also recommend reading "Divorce Poison".