Practical advice

[shellsandfilters]

I'm seeking practical advise for handling situations.  My daughter was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar tendencies several years ago. She is an adult with two elementary school age children.  She legally medicates with medical marijuana which works quite well but I think she may be out of it right now.

She was in a car accident three years ago which led to a back injury and two surgeries.  The past year she has lost quite a bit of her sight from a genetic condition called narrow angle glaucoma.  A month ago she was told she can no longer drive.

She was angry most of the time before the accident and lose of sight but as you can imagine this has worsened the situation.  It would with anyone.  This is a terrible situation to be in and she is having to fight for disability insurance.

For most of her life I have either been the hero or the villain.  There is no in-between.  Increasingly, I'm the villain. I could give years of examples but I will focus on the latest one because they all follow a similar pattern.  Yesterday evening I drove her and my granddaughter to my granddaughter's cheer practice. This is a small rural school and only three people, including myself, were wearing masks.  I have declined to go to the game Saturday to watch her cheer for this reason.  The gym will be packed and most won't be wearing masks.  I did offer to drive them to the game. 

I now have paragraphs over text stating that I don't and never have cared for them and that I only help out of obligation and that I don't want a real relationship with examples of all the ways I have failed over the years. 

This isn't true and last week she was doing the same thing but instead saying that I'm the only one who ever helps or cares or does anything with the kids.

I have helped quite a bit financially, have taken her to almost all of her doctor appointments.  I keep the kids one weekend a month just for us and I babysit when needed.  I don't go to every game or event but I do attend quite a few.  Before COVID we had frequent cookouts and took the usual trips to the zoo, rock climbing, plays, etc  a few times a year.

This is a common scenario that I'm told either I'm the only one who cares or that I don't care.  There is one thing different this time.  Last night she told me that her boyfriend would be receiving a (well deserved) pay raise and that they would no longer need financial help.  The way she said it struck me as slightly threatening.  She has told me before that the minute they no longer needed my financial help I would never see her or the kids again.  Today she said just that.  She told me not to contact her anymore because I'm such an uncaring grandmother.

These are the things about this that I'm trying to work through right now. 

I'm worried about the kids.  She has never been known to be abusive but she does have meltdowns in front of the kids.  The oldest is quite resilient but is now seeming to move into a caretaker position.  The younger one is just checking out.  He seems to be in la-la land all the time. There is no way for me to know what to do with this if anything.  When they were younger I did contact a lawyer over her meltdowns and I was cautioned to tread very carefully before trying to take any action.  I don't want to try to take them in any way.  Despite the difficulties they do seem to genuinely enjoy being around their mother.  The funny thing is that she's a very creative and fun mom when she isn't melting down.  She puts a lot of thought into parenting and has a good sense of humor with the kids.

I've known for a long time that my helicopter parenting largely caused all of this. My mother was abusive and because of that I wanted my daughter to have the best and most of all "safest" childhood possible. I coddled her and gave her a lot of attention whenever she told me someone had been mean to her, which was frequent.  I chewed out teachers and other parents for perceived mean behavior.  I literally had to be shown video footage by a school principle to believe that my daughter had been lying over an incident at school. She came to expect that if she was a "poor thing" somehow I would step in and fix it and make sure the person responsible was held responsible.

My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia but now I see that her symptoms with much more in line with borderline personality disorder. (I don't have anything resembling a degree in psychology) My grandmother raised me and my two sisters while also financially helping my mother who moved in and out.  There was no custody agreement because things weren't done that way back then, especially in rural areas.  When only my youngest sister was still at home growing up my grandmother finally refused to help my mother anymore.  My mother took my little sister, moved away, called the police on my grandmother and said she was a child molester and my grandmother never saw my little sister again.  My aunt and I had to work with the police to ensure them that she was not a child molester.  My grandmother grieved and worried horribly about my little sister until my grandmother died. 

I'm very worried about my daughter and her situation but I'm afraid I've become hardened and jaded over time and moved most of my attention to the grandkids. I'm terrified of not seeing them again and knowing they are ok. I don't like that that is the place I've come to trying to deal with this. I know that over time I've become almost cold.  My daughter says I am cold or stoic depending on my role of hero or villain at the time.  It's from trying to be completely neutral all the time. I can't show any emotion because she attacks or feeds off of it.

Part of me knows that just as soon as she gets mad at someone else she will get over this.  That is what she does.  She has a ring of people that she gets mad at, lashes out at, talks about and then she moves on.  Being her mother I usually get the worst of it.  She says it's because she trusts me to love her unconditionally.  But, it's exhausting and I'm tired.

Any advice is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi shellsandfilters,
First of all, welcome.

Second, let's debunk a myth... you said "I don't like that that is the place I've come to trying to deal with this."

I think you will find this group to be uber supportive.  Also, reality check, you are in a small town.  I too lived in a small town (2000 people or so for about a year) and I can tell you, going around talking to people in a small town about your daughter's abnormal behavior is just going to cause you more grief and pain, I would guess?

so, you are in the right place.

I read your entire post, and have lots of questions...

But my first question is simply this:  you have a bunch of concern for your grandkids, and that is really admirable.  What impact do you think you are having on them?  It may help to frame this in a postive manner, and that's really what going forward should be about, don't you think?  How to make the best of this?

B

[shellsandfilters]

Beatricex,

The "place" I'm talking about is being hardened and jaded and worried more about the grandkids than I am my daughter.  Not this group. Confusion over a statement like this causes me a lot of concern because I'm frequently worried the way I word things could be contributing to the problem.  I have often felt I could word things better and the more worried I am it seems the worse I communicate, which doesn't help anything.

As far as my impact on the grandchildren.  So far, I've been more of a support system for the family as a whole. If they don't need that anymore that's ok and it's good for them.  They want and need to be self-sufficient.  Otherwise, the grandkids enjoy their weekends here with us and the other set of grandkids. It's a break for everyone, including the kids.  I guess I don't know what impact I have other than what any grandparent has.  We have our traditions; campfires, smores, cooking, building things.  We've grown gardens together.  We pick out a different country every weekend they are here and cook recipes from there. We sponsor kids and they write letters to them. We've been very close and they ask to come here. 

[beatricex]

shellsandfilters,
Thanks for clarifying.  Of course, you meant the jaded place, not here.  LOL

Sorry, that is my bad habit of taking things too literally, it is not you at all.  That was my projection.

It sounds like you have a significant amount of influence on and attachment to the grandkids.  I would not let that go too readily...I mean a raise is nice, but how much more money could the boyfriend be making?

As for the ocillating between putting you up on a pedastal then tearing you down.  That is a really tough one.  It's hard to be on an emotional roller coaster like that, and while I don't have any advice I just want you to know that I know exactly how this feels.  It gives me an ache in my stomach just thinking about it.

b

[shellsandfilters]

Thank you!  Just reading other people's stories on this site has helped.  I always keep trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong and I see a lot of other people feel the same way.

[jefferson]

Hello,
I am fairly new here myself.  Thank you for such an honest and heartwarming post regarding your situation. 
First of all, you said you are trying to figure out what you are doing wrong.
I can only speak for myself here but I have finally accepted that I am not doing anything wrong and you probably aren't either.  My daughter with BPD has manipulation down to an art.  Sounds like yours might also. 
I agree that there is so much helpful information here on this site.  It helps me put my situation into perspective.
Recently my daughter got extremely angry with me.  For the first time she is choosing to give us the silent treatment. 
I am willing to accept her choice because we did what we had to for our grandchildren. 
It sounds like you have been an awesome grandmother and I hope that the kids will reach out to preserve your relationship. 

[Sancho]

Hi Beatricex. Felt sad as I read your post. Like so many people here, you have done so much, coped with so much, just to keep your family functioning and minimising the damage that can be caused by BPD parenting.

First of all congratulations on having come this far. Your grandchildren really must love coming to you and you have been such a great support for them and your daughter, who you clearly love deeply.

So many people that come here can identify with your journey. When it comes to using grandchildren more or less as punishment tools is very distressing - and of course because you have witnessed your daughters meltdowns, you will be anxious about this happening without them having your support.

I've been through awful times when the little child I more or less raised was whisked off to live with BPD DD and her new partner. I didn't know what to do. From experience I came to see that in these situations there is very little one can do except be grateful for the fact that you have had great influence over your grandchildren at their most formative years.

As I see it the options are:

Try to connect with your daughter in some way to try to open up continued contact with her and the children. My experience is that the more I tried this, the more stubborn my DD became - more angry towards me etc etc.

Wait and see what happens: this was the most effective way for me. Not having you in there lives will cause a great gap - in their lives as in yours. My experience was that it was not too long before the child was back in my life. I had to stay calm and make sure DD felt in charge of the decisions etc. I still have to do this and I have to say it is extremely difficult. In the long run though it has worked in keeping me in the child's life - with all the ups and downs - as someone safe to go to, talk to and get help from.
Trust yourself to choose the way of handling it that you think is the best option. Meanwhile take care of yourself, and know what you have already done for your daughter and grandchildren is wonderful.