New and need help figuring out how to cope as a family

[LostInPlace]

Newcomer here and feeling a bit lost. I'm not new to the world of mental health, being familiar with my own MDD, OCD, and anxiety, my 13YO DSs ADHD, my 15 YO DDs depression and anxiety, and now my 14 YO DSDs BPD-like behaviors (emotional dysregulation, self harm, volatile relationships, abandonment issues, depression/anxiety/emptiness). She recently moved in with us (across the country) because of a temporary emergency custody situation. She will very likely live with us indefinitely. Her dad, my DH, is totally at a loss and incredibly unfamiliar with the realization that DD likely has BPD or any other mental health issue. I'm at a loss because although she's only been with us 3 weeks, our household is degrading quickly. My time with my own children has lessened because I'm DSDs primary caretaker now, my relationship with DH is strained because he is having a hard time with it all, and I'm becoming less able to find the time and energy to take care of myself as I have been during COVID.

Thankfully, DSD is now seeing her therapist (who specializes in BPD) twice a week, has a psych appt lined up in November, and the courts recently restricted her mom's access to her even more. Mom also likely has BPD, and has neglected and abused DSD for several years in ways DH wasn't able to fully recognize until DSD started threatening suicide and engaging in self harm, ending up in the ER in August for suicidal ideations. We started the custody process in Nov 2019 after a suicide threat at school, and it took the courts an entire year to get her out of unstable situation that led to the blossoming of her behaviors. She's getting the support she has needed now so we are good there. Although it's already been stressful, we are glad she is here and wouldn't have it any other way.

However, the rest of the family is already very tired, aggravated, and on edge all the time now. We never know when there will be a meltdown, a self harm event, unseen mood shifts, or if we will find her sleeping in a closet--it's all over the place. I just need some direction as to what we are supposed to do to hold our family unit together as we adjust to the mental health demands/ongoing crises of our newest member. DH is irritated all the time, which is totally out of character for him, and DSD is consuming all of his attention, and consuming all of the attention I usually give to my own children. We are able to find what we feel is balance, but it seems to never be enough for her to be "stable". I want my happy, calm, and safe home and marriage back.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi LostinPlace,
You have expressed what you value, loud and clear, and I want you to know I hear you.

"I want my happy, calm, and safe home and marriage back."

No problems there, you clearly know what you want. 

Now for the difficult part, how to express it, mean it, and take it all back, from your borderline who seems unaware that you keep expressing your boundaries.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Sometimes, this type of situation warrants escalting to a next level.  Because you are not dealing with a normal person who hears you (like I do), you are dealing with someone much more difficult than that.  Interested to hear what you plan to do...

((LostinPlace)  that is a big virutal hug, as I sense you need it

b

[Isabel2]

I am a little further along in the same situation.  My DH and I got married a few years ago.  His first wife, who passed away, had many mental heath issues and we are pretty sure suffered from BPD but was never diagnosed. My ex had many issues, came from an abusive home and is an alcoholic. He has now moved out of the country and has abandoned our DS and DD.  Shortly after my DH and I got married I started to suspect that DSD (14 at the time) also had mental health issues.  My DH did not recognize the symptoms, believed the stories she made up, though it was normal grieving from her mom's death, or just thought they were typical teenage behaviors.  Needless to say it took about 2 years for my DH to recognize and accept that DSD had BPD...she was formally diagnosed at 17...but a couple of different therapists told us they thought she had the traits before then.  My DSD is now at college but will be coming home for break soon.  I think the most difficult thing for me was the affects on the family especially my DS (now 15) and DD (now 14) who already have past trauma from their dad and the constant threat of chaos in the home.  Here are a few things we did to try to decrease the affects of the chaos of BPD on the family.
1. I tried to get my DH on board.  We saw a therapist together, I asked him to read several books about it and helped him see what was going on.  The book, Healing from Hidden Abuse, by Shannon Thomas was good. It is kind of harsh (it talks mostly about NPD and APD but the behaviors towards others are the same as BPD) but it really highlights the behaviors of psychological abuse which are often difficult to see.  It helped my DH see the abuse he and DSD had lived through with his former wife, and the abusive behaviors his DSD was engaging in now towards us and others. 
2. We have cameras in the open areas of our home.  I wanted cameras because "odd things" would happen and it was always he said /she said of who produced the damage etc. as well as DSD at times claimed physical "abuse" and/or negligence by her dad.  So with the cameras we had proof of false allegations and if anyone went in anyone else's room, who broke and damaged things etc. The cameras almost entirely stopped all of the odd happenings and allegations in our home excluding odd happenings of damage and sudden falling furniture harming DSD in her own room when she was alone.
3. I talked as much as possible with DS and DD to help them understand as well as to protect them from the behaviors.  We also had a family therapist who helped facilitate some of this communication. 
The first two years were the most difficult until my DH realized and accepted that DSD has the same illness as her mom. But now we are on the same page and at this point DSD is 18 and is an adult.  We have written contracts with DSD outlining what we help with and what her responsibilities are.  So far she does not want to get a license, get help for her BPD nor get a job.  These contracts are to help her "have skin in the game" to promote independence, to protect us, and to help stop us from enabling negative behaviors when she has "crisis".  I think the most important part of helping the family and our marriage was getting on the same page and a lot of communication.  There are still difficult times and decisions but at least we have some protection from the chaos since we have been able to set and agree on boundaries together.   

[LostInPlace]

Thank you both so much for replying. Your replies came at the right time as we have had another long day of managing one mini-crisis after another. This is a lonely disorder to deal with, if that makes sense. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about it because they won't understand.

Hi LostinPlace,

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Sometimes, this type of situation warrants escalting to a next level.  Because you are not dealing with a normal person who hears you (like I do), you are dealing with someone much more difficult than that.  Interested to hear what you plan to do...

b

Thank you so much for the validation. I have read the setting boundaries page already and have started on this path. I'm a social worker and special education teacher, so dealing with children with emotional dysregulation is almost specifically what I've been doing for 10 years. I've just not had to do this in my own house. I've always been able to walk away from my job, and since getting remarried home has been a safe place. It's not feeling like that anymore.

1. My DHs ex very clearly suffers from NPD and we very highly suspect BPD, and it has taken him 4 long years to heal from it, so he knows where DSD is coming from (literally). It took a lot of dragging him to get help, and he's not coping well with DSDs issues now. I feel like I'm carrying the entire burden, but we are united, he just needs extra support. We both see counselors, but I think I get more out of mine than he does. DSD is in counseling too, with a BPD specialist, and I'm already wondering if he's being manipulated by her. The things he tells us versus what we see here don't jive, and I'm worried about it already.
2. We haven't had to resort to cameras or anything yet, because we aren't having destructive behavior, but DSD is a self-harmer. I've had to take all sharps and hide them away. She does slam doors and stomp, and I've already threatened to remove her door if it continues. That seems to have helped for the meantime.
3. I too have talked at length to my DD and DS (who are here) to help them understand what's going on. I dedicate time just to them each day as well since DSD consumes all of the energy in the house. I'm starting to realize she is very jealous of my relationships and time with them and acts out when she's not the perceived center of attention. I don't indulge that behavior or chase after her--ever. I spend a LOT of time with her. Her own mother never has and I feel like I'm paying the price for that. I'm glad she loves me, but not when it starts to interfere with my own kids. The first week she was here she cut her wrist (superficially) and sent a pic of it to my DD saying "I did this because I'll never be as pretty as you are." I shut that down immediately and addressed it clearly and openly with everyone involved. I'm direct and am good at setting firm expectations and boundaries. It hasn't happened again.

Thankfully DH and I are on the same page, but it consumes us. We are only a month in, and I know this is life long. Like you, I have an abusive ex, and my kids still suffer with that during their visitation with them. I'm very protective of them, which is why I'm open about what is going on with DSD. I just feel like DH and I got to such a great place in our lives. His ex has made his life hell and has tried to do it to me as well. Again, I am a boundaries person and she figured that out quickly, so she doesn't mess with me now. We've only been married 2 years and now this bomb has hit. I'm so scared of it consuming our relationship and us ending up unhappy with each other. It's so messy.
b

[beatricex]

hi LostinPlace,
I'm glad you wrote more.  I can relate to the feeling of an adult child "consuming my marriage."  Gosh, been there and done THAT.  Actually, we are still in it.  And she doesn't even live with us.

I do also think taking the temperature everyday...it's not good for a marriage.  We don't have to constantly discuss enmeshment, we don't need to rehash for the hundredth time, what we are going to do when she gets jealous of her sister or me (that is inevitable). 

I want to go on autopilot and know he has my back and I his...

That is my goal anyway.  We are not there yet.

One thing I'm focusing on is controlling what i can and giving the rest over to God.  This is afterall, just one Big Test.  I am strong, I can survive this.  At least that's what i keep telling myself.   

b

[LostInPlace]

hi LostinPlace,
I'm glad you wrote more.  I can relate to the feeling of an adult child "consuming my marriage."  Gosh, been there and done THAT.  Actually, we are still in it.  And she doesn't even live with us.

I do also think taking the temperature everyday...it's not good for a marriage.  We don't have to constantly discuss enmeshment, we don't need to rehash for the hundredth time, what we are going to do when she gets jealous of her sister or me (that is inevitable).  

I want to go on autopilot and know he has my back and I his...

b

Yes, it's constant. All day. I really don't know how all families with BPD make it. DHs inability to go into functional autopilot is starting to affect us all (he just stays in a crappy mood). DSD had another meltdown last night, literally as I was closing my laptop from my last response. Now it's 4am and I'm awake because my own anxiety won't let me rest. This early wake time has become daily and definitely makes the day a lot longer and a lot harder. Thankfully I have a counseling appt for myself today, but it's just a break and a time for a neutral ear.

We are having SO many issues with boundary and expectation setting and DSD is finally becoming resistant after 3.5 weeks of being here. She has come from a filthy, neglectful house with a mother who had little to no interaction with her, and was unable to act as a parent (bc of her own alcoholism and NPD/likely BPD, and literally living like a hoarder) and where DSD set her own schedule, made her own rules, and as a 14 YO with a disability (she has FSIQ of 82) she did the best she could but it WAS NOT WORKING. Now we are making her have a very rigid schedule and structure and she's mad about it, stomping around and slamming doors last night, mad at DH for acting mad, and mad at my DD bc she feels entitled to lots of her time (which is a whole other issue bc DD does not "do" drama of any type, thankfully, and has started avoiding her.)

Ugh, I'm just rambling and venting. I'm tired. We are all unhappy. And I feel like I'm suddenly raising a 14YO who is more like 8YO cognitively, and 17YO in the way she sees herself. Also now training DH to buckle down and be the parent DSD needs him to be--which is hard and he's never been able to tell her no or give her rules and expectations...it's a gnarly mix of how the poor child got to this point. AND tend to the needs of my own two kids. I wish there were two of me.

[beatricex]

"he's never been able to tell her no or give her rules and expectations..."

My husband either.  My step daughter is 25 and has two kids of her own under the age of 3 and she calls my husband to rage at us and he in turn gets mad at me because it's my job to fix it!  It's like he's not built to deal with her, having raised her just trying to appease her.  She was bullied in 8th grade, but I do think she has turned into the bully herself.  I believe he still sees her as that little girl, not who she is today.

Maybe with my example your husband will see he really does need to establish those boundaries, because the longer he waits the harder it will be.

It just gets messier and we stay on the Karpman triangle longer, as more people are pulled in (our grandkids, her sister, her in laws). 

On the flip side, I can see how my husband wants to check out, and he bought a boat this week, and we are going to go do that instead of the traditional Thanksgiving, which he usually cooks. 

Just picture me grilling some fish with my camping stove LostinPlace, and mentally escape to it, a safe place with your friend who gets you. 

A little less reality, is what you both need, I suspect.
b

[LostInPlace]

What a wonderful Thanksgiving that sounds like! I hope you two have a wonderful time.

Somehow I've never heard of the Karpman triangle, but I'm definitely going to spend some time on it today. It seems relevant to yesterdays, drama where DSD tried to pull me into alignment with her against her dad. Um, sorry honey, I'm not your biomom (who has only bonded with DSD by them being "against" DH) and I don't get down with that. He and I are on the same team. Related to that, she also instructed me via text not to talk to her yesterday, and I'm not sure she is quite ready for the conversation we will have today about me not taking orders from children. It was so bad yesterday that I took my own kids to my parent's house for dinner and a break for a few hours. I still haven't spoken to her. Seriously, every freaking day it is getting worse, just like her counselor said it may.

Anyway, back to happy thoughts of grilling fish on a boat...