Does your BPD loved one exhibit SELFISHNESS and inconsistent EMPATHY?

[MamaBear4vr]

Hi, I'm new here and struggle with my 17y.o.DD was dx'd with BPD after a 2 year run of depression, suicidal ideation, a half-hearted suicide attempt and recent inpatient hospitalization, which I think frankly worsened her state. The label is hard to receive, but in reading more a lot of things are making sense now. One of the ways I allegedly invalidated her as a child was by telling her she was selfish (which was true!), and I'd frequently more her inability to take the perspective of others and correctly attribute their intent when she was activated emotionally. I feel bad for saying that now, but also feel that she pushed me to say this to her because of her inability to back down from being disciplined for something she had done that showed extreme selfishness and basic lack of human empathy. Apart from this  (which I just attributed to stubbornness and being one of those people who always believe they are right), she has had good relationships through childhood and adolescence and is very well liked by friends, teachers and other adults. It's when she got to teenagerhood that she really got depressed and internalized emotions and then had a spectacular teen decompensation when she started drinking and smoking weed and desperately wanted a boyfriend. Her borderline traits amped up dramatically over the past 18 months and she is now a totally angry, depressed, derealized zero empathy mess. It came to a head and worsened so bad so fast. My husband says he doesn't recognize her. I do, because the emotional dysregulation was always there, although she frequently suppressed it, and this cognitive error of seeming unable to correctly attribute intent towards her has been longstanding. It's almost like a learning disability! I just don't get it! Are your BPD loved ones like this? Did it get better after adolescence? Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Mamabear,
You said
"being unable to correctly attribute intent"

While I feel a bit strange commenting on my BPD'd step daughter because she is 25 and I have only known her since she was 19, I will say that this resonates.

She constantly projects everything onto others, and cannot see any good intentions I might have.

For example.  I started saying "I love you" to her a few years back.  She responded, not directly to me, but started commenting, at family gatherings, when we were all sitting around talking that her sister's boyfriend "could not possibly love her sister's children because he was not their father."  I took this as a hint, by insinuation of course, that I could likewise never love her.  I stopped texting her "I love you" as it obviously bothered her, she dropped enough hints about it.

Anytime I text her or her sister it is miscontrued as evil.  I must have bad intentions, even if I'm just trying to be their stepmom, just trying to get along with everyone, just trying to love and support their Dad.

It is a big ol competition, although I try my hardest not to make it one.  That's what they see me as: competition.

Recently, we decided not to continue to cosign on our eldest daughter's apartment.  We are waiting to hear what the younger BPD'd daughter says about this.  (I am expecting a rage)

Since that daughter is 32, I think she's old enough to take financial responsibility for herself, why should we be tied to her lease?  The younger one will of course see this as abandonment, but it really has nothing to do with her, this is her older sister we are cutting off.  Also, for several years the younger one has been telling us every chance she gets to "stop giving her sister money."

What I'm trying to say Mamabear, is I get the anger.  We deal with it almost every interaction, be it an all out rage or just passive aggressiveness. 

tired, I want out.  i'm no longer enabling them.

b

[MamaBear4vr]

Hi there, Just reemerging from Thanksgiving and wanted to say thank you so much for your reply. I am having trouble untangling what is personality disorder vs. being a jerk. It's with the examples you gave that I remember about how this is a thinking disorder as well as a feeling disorder. I hope that the DBT will help her learn how to think properly and take a step back and see what is going on. I think that when people are diagnosed with any condition (Physical or mental) they kind of give themselves permission to fully manifest their symptoms unapologetically. I hope that she will be able to get out of her own head and remember that she is not the only one in the universe and we don't exist for her to poke all the time. It irritates me because I never would have made my problem my whole family's problem. I would have shut up and sucked it up. I don't understand how people can permit themselves this behavior! It seems very self-indulgent! Anyhoo... sending you virtual hugs wishing you the best of luck and a nice, hard shell so you can shield yourself from some of this hurtful nonsense. (:

[beatricex]

thank you Mamabear, I appreciate your support

My husband's daughter actually went to live with her boyfriend at the time (now husband's) parents when she was about your daughter's age.  They are very religious, and my theory (again, I don't know her all that well) is she was able to get the compassion she needed from them.  Also, having a religion was something her FOO couldn't provide her, so she felt that moral superiority. 

Her bio mom screamed at her, she screamed back.  Her boyfriend's Dad stepped in to tell bio mom she was wrong, not the BPD'd daughter.  So she got both validation and learned how to rage.  They still don't get along, btw. 

I'm not sure it is your "job" at this point, to take care of your daughter.  Just giving you permission, is that is what you need, to duck out.

I know that my husband and his ex-wife did the best they could do, and we are now in this weird place where she has turned outside her family for help.

   just trying to let you know I understand how hard this is, and not saying we know or did any better, just that is what happened in our case

b