First Time Posting in a Long Time

[Vell55]

I know I have probably posted here before since I do have a username and a password. My adult daughter (24) has moved home after too many semesters of failing college classes, attempted independence (read as I had to choose to remove myself from her lease to ensure financial stability), and almost three years of job hopping.

Currently, she has a full-time job that she really enjoys (two weeks down) with a paycheck on the way. We have been back under one roof for almost two months.

And, as you can imagine, the tension in the household is high. We are trying to practice as many of validation and conflict mediation techniques as possible, but it is so very hard. I know not to give our money. I know to simply say no and express understanding. I know all these things, and it is still so very, very hard.

Just trying to get her to take care of basic cleanliness and respecting the house is exhausting. For the first week while she was home, each day resulted in her screaming, “I hate you,” because my husband and I were insistent on certain house agreements — no food under the bed (yes, she is 24), do laundry. I don’t know. We passed that horrible week, and things are now in a two steps forward, one and a half steps back mode.

My (and her) ultimate goal is for her to get herself out of debt, hold a steady job, save enough to sign a lease on her own apartment (without assistance), and, ultimately complete an associate’s degree. (She has about five classes left.) I do want to support her, but it takes everything I have not to revert back to the yelling and blame. (You know the drill, how can she NOT see what’s wrong even when she’s had a diagnosis? How can she NOT show up for counseling? Etc., etc.)

Today, I’m feeling hopeless. She and her boyfriend have been holed up in her room since 9 p.m. last night, my husband is furious. We said they could hang out once a week here, but this is not what we meant.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi Vell55,
Interesting how she immediately started testing you, isn't it?  And we always think "this time will be different" and "how can she Not appreciate us."

Hang in there, you had the wherewithall to post here.

 

b

[NorthernMom]

Vell55,

Reading your post, with my 18 year old BPD daughter 14 hours away living in university residence (essentially she ran away), experiencing so many BPD traits being un-treated, feeling 'empty' on her own, hostile towards her father and I, self soothing with eating, binge shopping, drinking and drugs, going on emotional roller coasters, suffering from psychotic breaks and auditory hallucinations on her own, grasping at any relationship with an intensity that is self-destructive, confused about everything,...essentially estranged from us unless she needs money or lashes out, treating other family members like gold etc. etc...  I find my heart wishing and thinking that I would do ANYTHING to have her home.  Anything to go back in time and understand what I was looking at when I had no idea what BPD was, be able to somehow get into therapy together, anything to be able to hug her again, anything to have her safe for just a short period of time with us again...ANYTHING to hold her and tell her it will be hard, but we'll get through this together and I will NEVER NEVER leave her...

I have no idea if I will ever be able to hold my youngest daughter ever again, or hear her beautiful vivacious and energetic sense of humour make my sides hurt with laughter, go get a starbucks and cake pop on our birthdays again... I would do ANYTHING to have her home for just 1 day.

Somehow find the blessing that you can hug your daughter today and be taking at least any steps together, even if there are set backs.

I would do ANYTHING to have just one chance again...

[Vell55]

@beatricex: Thank you so much for the reinforcement. I told my husband that I would be coming to this website and these discussion boards often as we navigate this new time. And, yes, I always keep hoping for something different. The way you talk about testing — that’s exactly what it is. Let’s see how far I can push them until they respond the way I expect them to.

@NorthernMom: I appreciate very much the reminder to be grateful for the opportunity to try. There are days when I have wondered whether it would just be easier if she would move away out of state and figure things out on her own, then I wouldn’t feel so compelled to step in and assist with money (which I keep vowing not to do). You help me to understand how important it is to keep trying to get her back to treatment.