Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:49:05 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Parents! Get help here!
Saying "I need help" is a huge first step. Here is what to do next.
112
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I don’t know what to do  (Read 385 times)
Jars
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Widowed
Posts: 1


« on: November 29, 2020, 03:16:16 PM »

I am a 50-year-old widowed mother of two daughters, 17 and 20. My husband died a sudden death of cancer 10 years ago, and my 17-year-old has had many emotional problems since. She was formally diagnosed with BPD traits (at 17 they won’t slap a complete BPD diagnosis on anyone under 18) earlier this year. My older daughter and I have been living in hell for years due to my youngest daughter’s abuse. She cusses us out constantly, is a slob, keeps us on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, is failing school, got a DWI at the beginning of quarantine, refuses to get therapy or take meds, and vacillates between calling me horrible names and flinging around demeaning insults about my lack of a boyfriend, how she has suffered under my abuse and emotional manipulation of her, and is generally a complete tyrant. By law in Missouri, I basically have no rights to make her do anything. I am exhausted and want her to move out on her 18th birthday, but she doesn’t appear to have anything going for her: failing school, no job, no money, etc. She has zero boundaries and has taken my things and overrun my personal space for years. I can’t give her any directives without her becoming explosive and controlling the narrative with lies, verbal abuse, or simply yelling over me and walking away. I need help. My oldest daughter is sick of the dynamic at home and is mostly gone. She told me she can’t take it here anymore and plans to move out permanently soon. This situation has driven her away and I feel so bereft and guilty and I simply feel lost. I have never met another parent in the same boat as I am in. I feel powerless and so stupid and so very alone. Please help.
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Sancho
Ambassador
*****
Offline Offline

Posts: 706


« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2020, 04:36:57 PM »

I am so glad you have come here Jars. Your story is our story at this friendly and helpful place. The first step might be to read the information here - and some of stories posted so you will know there are people out there who understand perfectly the pain and chaos of your life with a bpd loved one.
Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2020, 07:34:04 AM »

Dear Jars...

I am so sorry that you are here but really happy that you found us - if that makes sense.

I'm not sure exactly how much help I can be because my daughter has a psychiatric condition that can be treated. But boy do I relate to the dynamic.

There really is only one way that I can think of for you to live through this - and that is to work on being able to set boundaries.  So, so very difficult because they're our kids right?  Our own flesh and blood. 

Do you have access to good quality counselling?  I would suggest something that works on your rational self - something like A.C.T. - which is essentially based on defusing emotionally charged situations so you can respond rather than react.  COVID and everything that brings with it makes it just a little bit more complicated (understatement there ...) so be kind to yourself.

Once you unhook emotionally a little bit more, you might be surprised by some of the things you are willing and able to do.  It's not even a "tough love" thing (not a fan of that expression). It's more of - let's lovingly do what is necessary. The loving part is that you support the steps necessary for your daughter to get her life together without judgement - but you don't honor bad behavior.

Hang in there... and hopefully someone with closer ties to your situation will weigh in.

Rev
Logged
NorthernMom

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 19


« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2020, 08:44:43 AM »

Hi Jars,

You found a good place here.

I just started posting in the last month or so and if nothing more, knowing there is a place to come to read, learn, write, vent, give and ask for advise has been a blessing. 

I also started counselling myself (2nd appointment tonight).

You and I (and many others) are living parallel lives.   My 18 year old daughter has BPD traits...was diagnosed with Social Anxiety 2 years ago.  Her complexities deteriorated greatly over the summer and we didn't know what we were looking at whatsoever but I have come to realized it is something for sure in the BPD spectrum.  What you describe in your house, was our house for months, until she 'ran away' to university and now lives in residence, estranged from us for the most part until she needs to fling insults and accusations, or ask for money. 

I have a 20 year old daughter who tries but cannot understand really and resents her sister for breaking our family apart like this.

I have a 14 year old son who has written her off, but the anger is simmering just below the surface at her and she cannot be mentioned in our house without bringing up alot of pain.

My BPD daughter can 'preach to the choir' with everyone else in the family, but with us she is pure venom.   Though everyone in our family know of the circumstances and our pain due to her mental illness, they are the heros to her and we are the villains. 

I don't have any magic bullets of solution, except to suggest that perhaps you and your oldest daughter might consider going to counselling together.  Over time there is a solution for the 2 of you to learn coping skills, managing the toxic dynamics differently etc. so that in the process of keeping yourselves from harms way and growing together in strength, you will set the right path and example for your BPD daughter.

Thank you for finding us...we are in this together.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!