BPD monster appears

[formflier]

She appeared to be on the upswing from covid (positive test and mild symptoms)

I was in the middle of putting away a complicated piece of electronics for the car (bunch of cables and such) and she asked me to hand her the remote for the TV.

I said "sure..just a sec."

I continued putting my stuff away and she starts

"make me wait"

"I asked you."

"I'm sitting here"

Note...this is about 10-15 seconds of time.  I get the case latched, put it down and she says

"Fine..don't hand it to me if you don't want to."  (in a real crappy tone).

I said "ok..I don't want to" and walked out of the room.

Then the nuke went off.  She is still in there ranting.

Sigh...probably going to be a long day here.

I suppose I should be happy it took as long as it did for IT to come out.

Best,

FF

[Waddams]

Gotta say, I'd get in that and leave. And when I came back, if she started again, I'd leave again. Hotel night if needed. You only teach these overgrown children not to do this stuff to you by denying them your presence.

Of course last time I took my own advice, during my night away I simply decided I wasn't going back period. Life's too short and hard enough to not have our homes be a place of peace and comfort. Better to get these overgrown emotional toddlers out of our lives, or at least get into separate homes so we're not dealing with them day in and day out. No more eggshell walking when I'm in my home! Ever!

[Notwendy]

Just let it be---

If you don't add fuel to the fire, it won't last long.

It comes out when you least expect it to, and the tendency is to defend yourself. To me, it's a mismatch of thinking. In your mind, you are trying to put the cables away and want to finish first.

If you consider what this looks like from victim perspective, you are refusing to help her and being an jerk. But it's not possible to change how someone thinks.

Remember the HALT rule- hungry, angry, lonely tired. Add not feeling well to that and it's fertile grounds for drama. So let her have her sulking and crazy time and go do your own thing.

[formflier]

Just let it be---

If you don't add fuel to the fire, it won't last long.
 

Yep...this has pretty much happened.

I can tell there is simmering...and I'm doing my own thing.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I find it helpful not to have a "need" for a relationship. By this I mean I can get along just fine for the day without needing to have *any* sort of pleasant interaction with my partner.

It would be nice to have a friendly conversation or a smile or a warm touch, but when he's "in that mood" I find it better to totally be on my own and not want anything from him.

Certainly this is not optimal in a relationship, but we don't have *normal* relationships here.

And if I give his "mood" time to run its course, then some time later, all will be OK again.

If I try and interfere or *make things better* it usually is counterproductive.

Live and learn, huh?

[formflier]

We've had a couple brief conversations about cooking or other randoms things.

All fine, you would never know that she was in monster mode a bit earlier.

I wish I hadn't said anything and perhaps just walked out.  I suppose I didn't do it "badly", but I definitely tossed some fuel in the fire...before gathering my wits.

It's over...no need to go back. 

Sigh.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

It's fair to say that I don't "need" the nice stuff, yet it's undeniable that I do much better with a warm..pleasant relationship.  I'm much more productive.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think the surprise aspect is hard. These traits occur on a spectrum. With a mild situation I think it's unexpected to get a reaction which is seemingly out of the blue, but is a reaction to distorted thinking about your actions.

I think it also helps to remember this is a form of emotional regulation. Once the feelings are out, then it's easier to settle down.

I have had to learn to not take these things personally. It  feels as if it is out of the blue . I used to try to correct things, and also feel hurt. Now it's more of a "well that was wierd" to me and not responding seems to be the best response.

[formflier]

Add to that your own spectrum of "emotional compromise" or perhaps "emotional resiliency".

Sadly...I'm acutely aware that I'm not as emotionally resilient now as I was even a week ago.

I was doing my normal rooting around in bank records/paying first of the month bills and came across further evidence of my Mom's dementia and the resulting inability to rationally do stuff..like buy medicine at the lowest cost/use insurance properly.

On the one hand she doesn't take high powered stuff, but still...when getting your medications handled right is a question...that's dangerous territory.

Well, I had some discussions with the Memory Care people that are helping us and I'm starting the process of formally informing the pharmacies and her other doctors that she has dementia, yet may appear (and may actually be) acting rationally, but also could be off in never never land.

Well..I know (intellectually) that I'm not "sneaking around behind her back"...but it still feels weird or "sneaky", plus...it's just more evidence of a situation that sucks...no way around it.

Even reading that now...I get it that doesn't connect right...but "it's how I feel".

So...now I'm sucked dry from other things and the BPD monster appears...uggg

I'm glad you guys are here.  In a way seeing this all written out helps...somehow.

Best,

FF

 

[GaGrl]

FF, the past six months with my aging mother have actually been easier as her physical frailty required to take on more. It was the period when the thought she could do more than she actually could do that was frustrating and physically draining to me.

You are in that "generational squeeze" -- taking care of parents while taking care of children. Add a PD spouse to the equation, and...no wonder you sometimes just don't have the patience for it.

Be kind to yourself.

[Notwendy]

I think we are all getting frazzled with the pandemic, holidays, recent election ( regardless of what side you are on- that's been stressful for all). I think our emotional resilience is not where it was.

That's also going to set off BPD as well.

Self care is important- be good to yourself.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s hard when you really come to terms with what it means. 

But then, you learn to manage it, and I think it’s actually easier than dealing with personality disorders, and at that point, it can even seem fun.

That person you love is still there, but now you get to see their childlike aspect.

I often hummed Bob Marley’s tune..”Once a man and twice a child.”

The hardest part is when they fight it, before they surrender to the new reality.

[Go Fish]

FF, Since you are so helpful to everyone here, I just wanted to say that you should also take time for yourself. The support groups or counselors associated with your mother's illness could be helpful, along with the practicalities of trying to stay ahead of her illness. I went through this long-distance, but it was still really hard. I saved up my good memories. When your wife is feeling better she may be able to empathize once in a while at some level. Looking back, long walks helped me get through it.

[formflier]

Thanks Go Fish,

Today is pretty much back to normal.

I got a good night's sleep.  I can't say I'm over it, but it is certainly not "raw" anymore. 

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Yesterday was pretty good day.   I spent most of the day away from house with S12, burning brush over at my Mom's house.

When I did get home FFw seemed very happy to see me.

This morning she did her Bible study and somehow figured out "it's all the fault of male pastors, they let these guys in the Bible off the hook and say all the women are bad..." (pretty much direct quote)

Plan on giving her plenty of space today..

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

FF, your wife is a very high functioning person and so I think these events take you by surprise because it's hard to see distorted thinking in a high functioning person. Probably a lot of the time it doesn't happen.

What is the setting where emotions tend to get frazzled? Stressful situations.

Your wife is recovering from Covid-19 and while she thankfully has a mild case, this is stressful- she has to worry about transmission to others, she's been restricted some from her usual activities and contacts, and while she's had a mild case there would likely be some worry- from the news- as people's response to this has been variable. On top of all this- she has to feel bad, even a cold makes people feel bad.

A typical response in BPD to this kind of stress is to project emotions- the kind of "emotional vomit" we have talked about. And like a kid with a stomach ache from eating too much candy- they feel better after they throw it up. It's usually over for them at this point.

On the receiving part- the "vomit" feels awful and lasts longer. Likely your wife feels better about that particular incident- it's probably over for her, but not for you. She seems to have moved on to something else at the moment.

I think the key "match" that lights this kind of drama is taking some action, or something said personally and then assuming the other person did it intentionally about them and then reacting to it. I think this happens with both partners. Then the other person reacts to that and it escalates. For me, I try to learn to see this possibility and catch my own reaction to it.

Your wife asked you for the remote. You were in the middle of something and wanted to finish it. Her thinking " he won't even do one little thing for me - he doesn't care" and she reacted to these thoughts. Your thinking" where did this come from, oh no, it's the BPD monster again" and you then react "fine, I don't want to ( hand over the remote)". She then confirms her thinking " see, he REALLY doesn't care about me" and it's now a bigger deal than the remote.

This doesn't mean I don't have my own feelings about it- but looking to another person to calm down or apologize doesn't seem to help. Self care does. If you are giving your wife space- consider are you actually giving yourself space? Maybe you need that space too- until you feel better. That's OK but think about what it is that you need- self care.

[formflier]

Your wife asked you for the remote. You were in the middle of something and wanted to finish it. Her thinking " he won't even do one little thing for me - he doesn't care" and she reacted to these thoughts. 

Pretty much spot on for what it seems like happened.

Especially that she was all better and I was still reeling. 

It had been a while since "it" appeared.  So the "remote issue" got me back up to speed, so when it turned out that "it's all the male pastors fault", I listened...validated it seemed important and left it alone.

Couple hours later it was over and we had a great time together.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Good job letting the situation settle.