Silly question

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

One of the major issues in my marriage that happens over and over again happens a lot like this:
RWwife: honey, can you do this job for me?
RW: sure, I’ll do it now
RWw: not right now, just whenever
RW: ok
Weeks later
RWw: Get me your tools. I asked you to do this. Let me guess, you forgot
RW: yup, I forgot. I’ll do it now
RWw: just leave it. I’ll do it. I asked you to do it a long time ago. But I’m not your mom or people at your job so you don’t do anything I ask because you don’t care about me.
RW: <silence>

These events are stored and saved for future fights and are the basis for her argument that I don’t care about her, our family, or our home.

I know that keeping a list of these little jobs would help me keep from letting my ADD push these things out of my memory. Other factors that play in are the confusing way that she sometimes “asks” me to do things for her. What I mean by this is she will often spend a long time talking about something else and slip requests like this in, or she simply misremembers asking me to do things. In other words we both carry some fault.

Another major issue impacting me doing these things is basically the difference in prioritization. I usually have more pressing things (like child care requiring more attention, or my job) that take priority. Meanwhile she will be thinking (I assume) that the request has been made and not another word is necessary. Additionally she often wants me to do something in a room that she keeps locked, so I don’t go in very often and don’t think of doing these things when the room is open.

Is this a BPD issue, an ADD issue, or simply a normal marriage issue made worse by BPD and ADD? Any tips on helping me overcome this?

I like doing these things as they are fulfilling and are meant to improve our home. But she interprets me not doing them as me not caring. I can understand that this could make her feel not listened to and therefore not cared about. But there are many factors she’s choosing to ignore.

Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I’m trying to be better and I’m hoping that maybe this is a place I could get some helpful advice.

[RestlessWanderer]

One of the major issues in my marriage that happens over and over again happens a lot like this:
RWwife: honey, can you do this job for me?
RW: sure, I’ll do it now
RWw: not right now, just whenever
RW: ok
Weeks later
RWw: Get me your tools. I asked you to do this. Let me guess, you forgot
RW: yup, I forgot. I’ll do it now
RWw: just leave it. I’ll do it. I asked you to do it a long time ago. But I’m not your mom or people at your job so you don’t do anything I ask because you don’t care about me.
RW: <silence>

These events are stored and saved for future fights and are the basis for her argument that I don’t care about her, our family, or our home.

I know that keeping a list of these little jobs would help me keep from letting my ADD push these things out of my memory. Other factors that play in are the confusing way that she sometimes “asks” me to do things for her. What I mean by this is she will often spend a long time talking about something else and slip requests like this in, or she simply misremembers asking me to do things. In other words we both carry some fault.

Another major issue impacting me doing these things is basically the difference in prioritization. I usually have more pressing things (like child care requiring more attention, or my job) that take priority. Meanwhile she will be thinking (I assume) that the request has been made and not another word is necessary. Additionally she often wants me to do something in a room that she keeps locked, so I don’t go in very often and don’t think of doing these things when the room is open.

Is this a BPD issue, an ADD issue, or simply a normal marriage issue made worse by BPD and ADD? Any tips on helping me overcome this?

I like doing these things as they are fulfilling and are meant to improve our home. But she interprets me not doing them as me not caring. I can understand that this could make her feel not listened to and therefore not cared about. But there are many factors she’s choosing to ignore.

Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I’m trying to be better and I’m hoping that maybe this is a place I could get some helpful advice.

[RestlessWanderer]

This probably should have been posted on the Bettering board. I got mixed up when reading about the conflicted board being merged.
Feel free to relocate this.
RW

[kells76]

Hey RW, good to see you over here. This isn't a silly question... you're noticing areas of conflict in your relationship, and you're wondering how to make them better, or, at least, "not worse".

I've tracked with your story a bit, and my first opinion is that this is indeed:

a normal marriage issue made worse by BPD and ADD

It seems normal to me for there to be a lot of tacit assumptions at play in any relational soup, along with values systems that can align in many ways, though often do not (but aren't explicitly called out). The issue isn't "there are assumptions and different values". That is just part of being human. The issue seems to be that the different assumptions and values systems are grating on each other and causing conflict.

One of her values may be "get the project done ASAP" but it's a tacit value, it wasn't explicitly expressed. One of your values may be "get the project done at the most efficient time", but again it may be a tacit value. Couples can do fine with differing tacit values when they have healthy communication skills. There is a skills deficit with your W that makes an issue that could be a 4/10 for an average marriage more like a 9/10.

Because of how difficult it will be for her to have self awareness that you aren't MAKING her feel forgotten or unimportant -- that those feelings are coming from inside of her and are hers to be responsible for -- it makes sense that for change to happen around this issue, it needs to start with you.

You can't control how she interprets her feelings, but you can make changes on your end to change the dynamic around "remembering to do the project" to take it from a 9/10 to more like a 4/10.

How do you think it would go to have the conversation go like this:

RWwife: honey, can you do this job for me?
RW: sure, I’ll do it now
RWw: not right now, just whenever
RW: ok, I will get it done by Friday the 11th.

I know there could still be an issue with if she remembers the conversation, but it's a small change you could try, so that things are less implicit/tacit/unclear, and you are making moves for there to be clarity and having stuff "out in the open". You could then, like you mentioned, write the task, and YOUR assigned due date, on a list.

And I know that facts and data (like a list of projects, with verbally articulated and then written due dates) don't always "prove" to pwBPD stuff that they are committed to feeling a certain way about. It would be a change, though, yes?

Would love to hear your thoughts...

kells76

[kells76]

No worries about posting here, the mods will do any housekeeping necessary. Plus, you guys have your son, so you fit right in on the FAMILY (law) board 

[RestlessWanderer]

H Kells, thanks for the response. I appreciate your interpretation, it makes a lot of sense.
I like your idea about me placing a deadline on the task. That also serves as a type of restating the question taught in the skills for good listening (BTW restating things really bothers W).

I agree that this may not “prove” anything, but removing items from the complaint list may be helpful.

[kells76]

I agree that this may not “prove” anything, but removing items from the complaint list may be helpful.

Right... and it feels like keeping things "not getting worse" is a fair goal to have right now. Making it better could be down the road.

Would it be too much to add here:

RWw: not right now, just whenever
RW: ok, I will get it done by Friday the 11th. Thanks for being flexible

If it's triggering somehow, then maybe leaving that out will "not make it worse". I don't know enough about your W to know if receiving gratitude would be a good thing for where you guys are at.

Maybe just little changes for a while...

[worriedStepmom]

This is definitely an issue that I have in my marriage to a non-PD husband.  I'll ask him to do something, he agrees to do it, and then it doesn't get done.  It makes me feel like I don't count, that he doesn't prioritize me at all.  It's not a pleasant feeling.  But then he doesn't understand why I get so irritated, because he *intends* to do it.  He just...didn't.  The thought counts, right?

As Kells suggested, we have to use timeframes.   "Can you do the dishes now?"  "Can you fix X by Friday?"  And he agrees with a timeline.  "I can do it, but it will be on Sunday".

We've tried all kinds of methods for him to catalog the honey-dos so he doesn't forget.  The only thing that worked was me having a tantrum one day and crying from pure frustration.  Now he does a better job at trying to remember on his own.

[worriedStepmom]

Have you read about love languages and emotional needs?  There are some good books out there that can explain why she (and I) feel so unloved when little tasks like this don't get done, and why you (and my H) don't see them the same way.

[RestlessWanderer]

Kells, I think those sound like reasonable approaches. I don’t think they will be triggering, though it seems like anything I say lately is triggering.

Worriedstepmom, I see where you’re coming from. That’s why I’m trying to be better. BPD or not, I can see the importance of addressing it. Funny you should ask about the love languages, I nearly included that in this post. She is definitely the type that feels love in actions. She’s told me that saying I love you feels empty when actions speak louder than words. It would be nice if she recognized my love language, words. She feels that being “honest” and saying exactly what’s on her mind is being loving (unfortunately with BPD her words have caused much harm to me).