I want to kick my son out, I cant take any more

[StressedMum]

Big step for me acknowledging this.

I found a website today that explained FOG and pieces of the puzzle started to fit. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. I followed a link to this page. So here goes..

My son is 20.

My ex-husband walked out on me and my 2 boys 4 years ago, he was having an affair with my friend, and we had just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary some months before. The boys were 13 and 16.

The 16 year old (now 20) had 2 school friends die, Tuesday and Friday and Dad left Saturday...

The 20 year old started have behavioural issues, he dropped out of school, can't last more than 2-3 days in a job. I know he smokes weed and maybe more. I put all this down to what happened 4 years ago, but now I think he used that as an excuse.

He has threatened suicide before but just threats.

A month ago it get worse, he left his job, car broke down again due to him driving over a rock, and I told him not to ask me for any more money, made it clear I was not giving him any more to waste on weed.

The day after all this he left me a suicide note, the goodby bye type, by the time you ready this etc...I did not find it till the following morning, needless to say I was in bits. After a morning of searching and making calls we found him at his girlfriends house, they were all going for dinner for her 18th..

He came home next day and acted like normal till I started to question him, then he said he was still thinking about it. nothing to live for blah, blah

I called the police and they came a talked to him, following day I took him to hospital and booked him in the Psych ward, where he spend a pleasant 7 days with me sending him care packs and getting lots of attention.

Came home, sometimes takes meds and started going out all night now. I ask him were he is going an he just explodes and goes into not talking to me mode. His bedroom is a mess, he does not eat properly, he leaves the kitchen in a mess and he is going out 5 to 6pm and coming home between 2 and 5am. Stays in bed all day unless i get him out, which always ends in argument.

So today I got the suicide threat again and he went in the garage. He expected me to follow, but I did not this time. I really got to the point I felt I don't care. (well thats what im trying to show) I found a noose made out of thin cord which had also been cut part through and a step ladder set up. 99.9% of me says this was staged for my benefit, how do I get to 100% and know he wont do anything?

As a single mum I work full time, fortunately from home, although I often wish not when he starts. I do have a partner but he only come at weekends and he does get on with james but at the moment does not like being here as he does not like waht James is doing and does not want to get involved.

We live in a foreign country where he speak the language fluent but I dont. The Health services made a follow up appointment, which he did not go to, and they have not followed up. Du to Covid I could not visit the hospital or even talk to the doctors so I dont think they got the full story.

Todays kick off was because I told him to Leave the house if he won't follow my rules.

I know I need to be strong, but I am going through hell.

Walking down the beach a month ago, where I though his body would be was the worst thing I ever did in my life but now to think he is doing this just to upset me and control me is somehow worse.

I hope by sharing this story that someone out there know and understands what I am going through.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi and Welcome
 A couple of thoughts.
1. The noose and stepladder, certainly could have been staged for your benefit, but it also showed he is thinking of plans of how to  kill himself.  So this is a very slippery slope and you may well have to call out the police/ crisis team again.  Something for you to peruse through from the "tools" on this website:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

2. Meanwhile, you certainly have control over how you choose to live.  In my particular case, I got to the point where my adult son got violent.  So my clear boundary was for him to choose to get help or I start eviction proceedings , explaining how the process worked.  I had to write all this on notepaper since he was so dysregulated he was beyond talking to .   You can click on my name ( or anyone's ) for previous posts/more backstory.
So the thing about boundaries are that you have to be certain you can carry it through? You will have to stand tough.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
It took me to the point of him destroying parts of my house before I had the courage to petition the court for an emergency Psych hold and an restraining order.  You don't have to wait for it to get that bad though.    Our group can be a support. In addition some of us also go to 12 step program meetings ( co dependents anonymous) which are free, online, and help with keeping focus on us and what we need. Please continue to talk here with us- you don't have to handle this alone.

[Sancho]

I am just wondering if there has been a diagnosis? Seven days in a psych ward is quite a long time, so did he choose to go or ? Just wondering if there are any leads that come from that time as to the underlying problem. Sometimes bpd symptoms can be similar to the cycles of substance abuse.

[Sancho]

Just reading through your post again. Perhaps the type of medication they gave him might be a clue to what they thought the issue is.

[StressedMum]

Hi Meds are;

I was told they can't tell me the diagnosis as he is an adult, I understand to a point but when still living at home I need to know what I am dealing with.

He is taking these;

Risperidone
Mirtazapine
Venlafaxine

And I know he is still smoking weed.

[StressedMum]

I am just wondering if there has been a diagnosis? Seven days in a psych ward is quite a long time, so did he choose to go or ? Just wondering if there are any leads that come from that time as to the underlying problem. Sometimes bpd symptoms can be similar to the cycles of substance abuse.

7 days in hospital is not long for Portugal, they tend to keep people in as long as is needed, no pushing out for beds as in the UK.

[Swimmy55]

Hi,
My son  initially started off on weed in order to self medicate.  While this is not true in all cases , he then sampled and got hooked onto the "harder" drugs.  Keep an eye out as much as you are able. 

I am sorry about the lack of psych follow up.  Your son would probably have to take the initiative ( which is impossible with our BPD kids)   Our stories are somewhat similar in that  I was a single mom too dealing with an adult son .  Substance abuse/ self medicating often goes hand in hand with mental illness and BPD. It is frustrating that we parents can't talk to psychs on behalf of our adult kids. 

[StressedMum]

So it all came to a head on Thursday and I told him to leave.

I thought he was staying at his girlfriends house, he come to collect some clothes today and told me he was sleeping on the streets.

When I asked his GF she said he was not exactly on the street but still not in a good place. I think he is under cover but squatting somewhere.

I have messaged him and told him he can come home but things have to be different. He needs to respect me and my rules and stop drugs.

I feel really bad now but I am determined he only comes home on my Terms.

Why did this have to happen at Christmas?

[Swimmy55]

Stay strong, Stressed.  BTW, Christmas is one day out of 365.  Look at it as this Christmas is a first step towards your son possibly making better choices.  In addition, look at it that you can live in your own home in some peace. 

[PearlsBefore]

You are in a very difficult place right now, where it seems things are building to a "high point" (or "low point") after quite some time - it is understandable this will be incredibly stressful. Try not to worry about the fact it's Christmas, as Swimmy said, it's just a day not that different from any other if we don't focus on it too much.

The "good" news is that while BPD does have a high suicide rate, it also has a much higher "pretended suicide" rate...obviously there is always reason for concern, but as you said - it means you can be 99% sure, but you will never be 100% sure. I have spent three years trying to very carefully prepare a family member with BPD to where things need to be...and January is going to be a really big shock, so I'm definitely worried about her reaction.

One concern is that both Venlafaxine and Risperidone have increased suicidalism among their side-effects. Of the three drugs, Risperidone is definitely the "heaviest" and I've personally only seen it used for Schizophrenia although apparently it can  be used for other reasons...never heard of it used for BPD, and a glance online says it's not effective with personality disorders.

That said, setting up the stepladder and noose sounds like it was intended to control you. If it was his actual plan then he would've kept the noose hidden in his room until he intended to use it - instead he deliberately set it up for you to find. This fits more with his giving you the suicide note prematurely on the earlier occasion, etc. In my opinion, he's still mentally unhealthy, but not in the most worrying suicidal way.

A few weeks squatting or living with a friend or staying at a shelter is not very bad, it might be something that helps him in the long run - because they will not act "like his mother". If he is with friends, they will tell him to not do crazy nonsense or else they will withdraw all connection to him and never give it a second thought - if he is with a shelter then he will be treated like he is a mental patient, told that he is crazy and patted on the head like a child while they enforce their rules despite his objections. Both of those might be good.

Have you considered suggesting to him that his father might be more willing to loan him the money, give him a place to stay, etc? It sounds like the father is not involved right now - but it might be good for your son to have that extra connection both for emotional security but also so that he finds out his Mom isn't the only person who thinks his drugs are "too much" or his driving is "reckless" or whatever the truth is. You don't need to speak to the father yourself, just point your son in the direction and let things naturally progress - it seems unlikely to make things worse, and relatively likely to make things better.

[Gregory55]

I read your post and do feel for you.  We are a step behind and have a daughter that is 16 but I see this impossible transition to adulthood coming and have often wondered what happens when you get to that point. Letting them stay is unsustainable and destructive but kicking them out, even if we are often pushed passed the point of caring, must be unbelievably difficult also.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders