I've moved out away from NPD husband but what now?

[PatriciaG]

I've been married for 18 years and it just never quite felt right. In the beginning I fell head over heels but then he started with the criticism- even telling me how to walk and making me walk ahead of him down the street until I got it right- but if I complained I was told he had my best interests at heart and it was for my own good- didn't I want to improve myself?
18 years, 3 kids and a near suicide ( 2 yrs ago- much better now) later I finally found the courage to leave- mainly because I saw him running my kids down the way he had done to me. The day my son was diagnosed with a psychological illness was the day I found a property to rent.
However,  now he is telling me that it was all me mis- interpreting everything he said. He says he loves me and that we could have a fantastic relationship if I would commit to it( like he does). I see elements of NPD in him- especially that nothing ever his fault, he never admits blame or takes responsibility for any of our relationship issues. The kids say daddy always thinks he is right and daddy doesn't listen. Daddy always blames everyone else. 
I am finding it hard not to get sucked back in, but my son literally said that if I go back to his dad,  he will run away.  ( my son is 11. ) I also have 2 daughters- 13 and 15.

[cash05458]

I am new here...and others with much more wisdom will respond I am sure...listen to them if you can as folks are very good and knowledgeable here I have found...but my feeling is via what your son said, that is very serious...and personally, I believe that anyone who has a problem with you over basic things like Walking, how you walk...that is very wrong and I can't imagine when it comes to deeper things about who you are how that might go...

[oofheregoes]

Congratulations on getting out when you did. If your kids can see, recognize, and verbalize to you the issues you faced yourself then they've seen a lot. Post on here, talk to your friends & family, do whatever you need to do not to cave and go back to him.

It makes so much sense that you'd be able to leave for your kids sooner than you were able to leave for yourself. You deserve to be treated well too. But if thinking about the well being of your kids keeps you from going back, then think about them. It took me at least a month of no contact to really go from wanting them to want me back, to realizing how badly I'd been treated and starting to get angry about it. Just like a bunch of other posts on here, they'll try to get you back with little neutral or inconsequential things and then build back up (and then tear you back down once they've got you back).

This is SO hard, but you can do this! Focus on the positives. Spend time with your kids. Go on a walk. Do arts and crafts. Read through these message boards. Distract yourself however you need to if you feel the urge to go back to him or contact him. We get it. We know how strong the pull can be. We will still be here if you do go back or contact him, but we also know how strong you are. You can do this.  

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Patricia-
Welcome to our community.  I’m very sorry for what you and your children are experiencing.  PwNPD traits can be extremely convincing, so please be very careful.  Your situation is tenuous. 

And no... you didn’t “misinterpret” anything your H said or did.  I lived the same, with a partner who was always “only kidding” or didn’t mean it or I “took it the wrong way”.  He said it, he meant it, he DID it.  All of it.  He’s just got to demean and degrade you (and now your precious children) to keep himself “intact”.

I am certain there are moments that your H is assuring you that ONLY you can fix this thing, this marriage... he is wrong.  Dead wrong.  You didn’t break it.  Please understand that. 

Look into the eyes of your beloved children.  Do they seem more relaxed now that they’ve been removed from the constant berating of their father?   You know where your S11 stands.  How are your girls at expressing their feelings to you?

I have a suggestion.  Something that really clarified things for me... and truly helped me maintain the separation (for good this time) - Dr. Ramani’s you tube videos on Narcissism.  Just google “Dr. Ramani Narcissism”. 

Dr. Ramani is a Psychologist in the L.A. area and I’ve spent hours binge watching those videos (most are under 15 minutes each).  I’d suggest you view the videos where she’s alone, not with the guy.

Please stay with us, Patricia.  There are people here who truly understand what you’re living now, and what you HAVE lived.  Detachment is a process... give yourself grace and patience.

This may sound dumb (sorry), and you likely already do things like this with your kids... but be sure to create space and time for joy and laughter with your kids... something as simple as a free form dance in your living room can do wonders.   The kids  in my life and I used to have these impromptu dances.  Great joy for us.

I hope you come back here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Snowflake90]

Now you heal... Take the time to take better care of yourself, go on a trip ( to the beach, somewhere cheap but relaxing). Live two weeks without getting yelled at for something petty. Get rid of the guilt. Realise that people with PDs always spin it on you. They gaslight you all the time and make you feel like you're always the one to blame. God forbid they blame themselves right... And when you're strong enough, do therapy and find out why have you lowered your standards that much, why didn't you love yourself enough so you can prevent another abusive relationship like that. Why have you and perhaps still do believe you need to take crap from someone else everyday. You need therapy for that, but first if I were you, I'd first go relax. Go to the mountains, beach, whatever suits you. With or without the kids, perhaps you have someone who could take care of them for a few days? Speak to friends, they can be very uplifting.
Sorry if it seems harsh. I'm actually speaking for myself, since I just left too. And all I can say is we the nons are incredibly similar here. We all seem to have co-dependency issues to work on. I'm telling you all this because I've come to become incredibly empathethic with people in our position and I honestly would like to help everyone, myself included, to avoid being drawn into that ponzi thingy again.

[zachira]

Just wanted to second the recommendation of watching Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on narcissism.