Coping with estrangement

[Rottiemom]

So... this is my 1st post ever, will just jump in I guess.  I am meeting with my wonderful counselor in 2 weeks to wrap up this year of estrangement from adult child w/ BPD.  She has had no contact, zero, zilch since her last episode of manic behavior weekend of Feb 2020. Her husband of 10 yrs called me as he called police to come to the home, she had a gun threatening suicide. Police came to the home and husband asked me to give an officer her history - Xanax abuse as a teen, heavy pot use, overdose resulting in hospitalization (charcoal cleanse) 3 rehabs, continued pot use. While on the phone w/ officer (on speaker at their house) she states” if you need a character reference don’t ask my mom” She is taken to hospital by police, dept of children services comes to home (2 grandsons 8 & 3) that night, husband asks again for me  to give history to rep, push replay tape, I relay history again.  Next day, in detox of hospital husband asks me to tell intake nurse history, again I push replay of the tape. Fast forward, 3 days of inpatient eval at rehab and sent home. Several phone calls from husband over the month of March, bewildered, doesn’t know her then all goes dark. I sent a few messages, no reply and stopped sending messages. I have experienced estrangement of 8 months previously with her 10 yrs ago. My counselor’s observational diagnosis of bpd came when there was a session w/ adult child, her husband, myself & my spouse a year before this Feb 20 episode. I got some clear understanding after reading, working w/ my counselor, and relying on 12 step principles (Grateful AA member, I am 17.5 yrs sober after 5 yrs alcoholic drinking) I think I have reached a point of making my peace with acceptance, there is not a reconciliation in the foreseeable or distant future and I am OK with it.  I am 63 and hope to have another 20 yrs in this world, I am fatigued and confused to think of this person in my life who clearly doesn’t want me in it for my last 20 yrs.  I feel there is a funeral without a casket but it seems that is my way forward to grasp this.  I am blessed to have people in my life who understand what she exhibits, how devastated, responsible, worthless I have felt, like I am completely responsible. But I’m not and I’ve accepted that I have a family member that cannot tolerate me.  It’s painful and has made me feel less than human. At this time in our culture there is no shame in the game to ask for help. Thank God for professionals that understand bpd and can guide you.  Thank God for forums to express whatever you can relay. Writing is therapeutic, thank you for letting me share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi Rottiemom,

Welcome.  I think you will find a caring supportive group here.

I understand the feelings of shame, of feeling responsible, and also (sadly) of letting go.

 

b