Where to turn?

[Saraphim]

Hello to whoever takes the time to read these words. I really don't know where to turn.  

I have tried multiple counselors to seek help since being pretty much estranged from my grandchildren due to my daughter-in-law's BPD and narcissism. She is very high functioning but her splitting behavior and unexpected raging caused a major disruption in our relationship two Christmas's ago.  I left my son's home on Christmas Day and have not returned.  

My son has fortunately met with me a few times since then to see the grandkids, away from their home, but I can count the minutes on one hand I've seen my son and grandchildren.  I'm not even able to Skype them anymore.  I hired a counselor to help me with this and she guided me in writing my daughter-in-law a very nice, non-confrontational letter to try to mend things.  My daughter-in-law ignored it and (per my son) found fault with it.  She continues to say I don't care, but she won't open any avenues to me to even communicate with her.

I live in a small town without many resources, and the counselors here don't really deal with BPD issues very much, they most recommend books (walking on eggshells, etc.), but the books are almost exclusively slanted towards situations--spouses, children, that just don't seem applicable or even suitable for this kind of relationship--not as intimate as a spouse or parent or child--and they leave me unsure to say the least.  

I find it hard to believe there aren't resources out there to help with daughter-in-law situations more specifically.  You CANNOT talk to a daughter-in-law the same way as an intimate or significant other, the situation is much more delicate due to the mother-in-law dynamic etc etc.  Also, books are fine but due to the severity and trauma caused during fallouts with BPDs, professional one on one guidance feels imperative.  (With this said, it would be fantastic if more resources addressed the -in-law dynamic with BPD).

It is very disheartening.  I have put hours and hours into studying what I can find and believe I understand as much as I can about BPD.  But I feel alone and adrift with this--I very much would love a mentor to help me navigate through and to help me stay positive despite the challenges.

I was very very close to my 2 grandsons before this happened, and just beginning to bond with my new granddaughter.  It has been a slow kind of torture feeling ripped away from them.  I realize I'm lucky that my son hasn't severed the relationship completely--but he is blind to BPD and is very much walking on eggshells, enabling her.  

I cannot just abandon my grandchildren.  I will keep trying my whole life if I have to.  I only ask that some resource will come along, or a counselor who is professional and adept at dealing with this kind of situation.  

If anyone knows of a specific book or any professional guidance on this, please let me know.  I would be so grateful.

xxo
Heartbroken but hopeful Grandmother

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BonnieW]

Hi Grandma
I was in a similar spot, but it is my daughter who has BPD.  She was blackmailing me by keeping my grandchildren away and using them as bait to 'force' me to comply with her demands.  She labels me as a cruel and uncaring person.

Fortunately, my son-in-law seems to be able to communicate with her effectively, and has intervened by bringing my grandchildren to see me.  He visits his widower father every weekend, so brings my grandchildren along each time.  I had some very candid discussions with him and he recognizes my daughter's manipulative ways.  He is resolved to keep my grandchildren in my life because he had a very close relationship with his grandparents and sees the value in fostering the relationship.  In his words 'those kids are half mine' so he will bring them to visit as he likes.  Perhaps it would help to have a very candid talk with your son?  I had no idea that my son-in-law had the same experiences and reactions from my daughter until we talked about it.

Fortunately, I've had the help of a counsellor who is very knowledgeable about BPD, and she has helped me set up boundaries with my daughter. My mental health was declining rapidly as a result of the way my daughter was speaking to me/about me and how she was treating me.  I'm feeling much better now and have a better understanding of this disorder and how to keep myself well and healthy.  My daughter decided last week that she has disowned me, but I realize that this as a BPD behaviour and I have tools to protect my hurt feelings.  I live in a small place, too, but there are many clinical counsellors who now offer virtual counselling sessions, so perhaps you can find a counsellor with BPD experience and have online sessions?

You are not alone.  I hope you find peace.

Bonnie

[Saraphim]

Thank you very much for your post Bonnie , I hear you. !  I can only imagine what it must be like to have your own daughter turn against you, the pain of her labeling you as not caring, and also trying to keep your grandchildren away.  I am so glad you found a counselor that has helped--this gives me some hope as well!  They must be out there. 

Unfortunately, my son remains in denial, I tried talking to him about BPD but he won't go there.  He chooses to instead "coach" me of the best way to talk to her (which at the moment is moot since she doesn't seem to want to communicate).  He is aware my DIL, his wife, has issues due to her horrible childhood but they both label it as PTSD, for which she has went to counseling some in the past, but meanwhile, the pattern of BPD, splitting, raging, and 'high functioning'  narcissism continues.  I am not the only one she has shut out of her life.  She has cut my son off from not only a few of my family members, but also my son's father, uncle and others.  And, she has an actual restraining order against her biological mother.  (It is complex, but I think my dil sometimes fears getting too close to me, and then projects her past dynamic with her real mother, onto me as her mother-in-law).

I've tried online counseling, but it was VERY expensive and didn't lead to any concrete help with my daughter in law.  While some of the advice can be applied, there is so much more to the DIL relationship that is unique to that kind of relationship, and the phrases suggestions are modeled after are way too intimate.   The most direct and ONLY specific advice for Mother in laws in one of the major books on BPD I've read is summed up in one short paragraph. It basically says that  while the relationship with the daughter in law may be one of necessity (secondary in order to retain access to your son and grandchildren), it also becomes an opportunity to show the DIL unconditional love; it is imperative to remain neutral and to persevere.  Other than that, nada. The sources are silent (so far).  Advice is all about the spouse, the daughter, the son, the intimate family member, the loved one of the BPD.  If I were younger and had the time I myself might go into this field and focus on research and advice to offer specifically to mother-in-laws as well as any grandparent who has to go through this.

Like you though, I feel REALLY fortunate that my son has made an effort to meet so I can spend a few hours with the grandchildren. From what I've read on forums, this is not only the case.
This year however, (partly due to Covid) we've only been able to spend one afternoon together the entire year, and we aren't currently Skyping either. 

If you or anyone knows of an affordable, competent counselor out there for BPD issues, please let me know your thoughts!  I admit I feel reluctant to trust just anyone, especially someone I don't know online when the stakes feel so very real and high.  But I also realize I have to move forward and it feels incredibly lonely trying to wade through this alone. 

This is why, Bonnie, I really want to thank you for reaching out and saying "you are not alone."  I needed to hear that.  It helps me put things into perspective during a dark time.  I also appreciate you modeling how you have been able to grow into a healthy understanding and have tools to protect your hurt feelings.  That is wonderful advice for anyone.  To keep working towards understanding, growth, resiliency and away from over personalizing what can be very painful issues.

Bless you Bonnie, 

"Heartbroken but Hopeful"




 

[beatricex]

hi Saraphim,
 You said  "(It is complex, but I think my dil sometimes fears getting too close to me, and then projects her past dynamic with her real mother, onto me as her mother-in-law)."

My step-daughter is (we suspect) borderline, and I feel the same way.

Welcome.  Please share more.

We are also disowned, and she has threatened to file for harassment if we contact her.

Her children are turning 1 and turning 3.  We were full of grief, but we have hope we will find answers, and with the right guidance, we feel we'll be able to navigate this.  It helps my husband and I are on the same page regarding his adult daughter.

 

b

[PearlsBefore]

A quick note, since you mention it was two Christmases ago that this all blew up - it's worth keeping in mind that some pwBPDs really do not have a proper "sense of time". There is "today" and there is "not today" - and so while you sit there and think "it's been two years since I said she needed to lose weight, surely she's moved on by now?" - although her rational mind knows it's been two years, emotionally she still feels subconsciously like it was yesterday.

If your son keeps you apprised of her social life, you might try to strategically offer yourself as a "replacement friend" reaching out specifically after she's alienated some other friend and decided they are evil personified...might be the time for you to slip back in there as a newly stalwart "ally".

I don't know your DIL obviously, but based on my own dBPDs, I'd say you're probably best to not identify so strongly with "I'm a grandmother, I just want to see my grandkids"  - I'm not sure how common it is or isn't, but in my experience there's that disconnect between "empathy" and "identifying as the third party herself". You might be better to offer yourself as her friend...who also gets to see the grandchildren when you stop by "to visit her". Nearly all pwBPDs think very strongly about "allegiances" and believe they are constantly juggling allies and enemies to avoid being overwhelmed in some phantastical battle that only exists in their imagination.

[beatricex]

hi again Saraphim,
I have to agree with Pearlsbefore.  After I thought about it some more, my step daughter's MIL has it much worse than I. 

Remember, the interactions will have to become transactional.  Letting go of the hope your daughter in law will someday morph into a rational person, who doesn't overact to every little slight, and doesn't harbor resentment, and doesn't make you her mortal enemy - well, that's the first step.

It's a lot of work, but if I understand, you miss your grandkids as much as we do.  My husband and I have actually talked about the dynamic Pearlsbefore mentioned, that we should just wait for her to get mad at someone else, and "forget anything happened" and come back to us.  Unfortunately, the person she will likely get mad at next is her older sister.  That will not be fun, as it feels a bit like triangulation listening to her badmouth her sister (we've been there before).  Something that likely triggered my step daughter - I was getting close to her sister.  She wants to be our favorite, this is also a common theme, so the trick may be getting your Borderline to think she's your favorite.

b